The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hey everybody, I need some advice. Hopefully I'll get some advice in an al-anon meeting I'm going to later today.
So here's the deal.
I'm dating this guy. He's currently in a halfway/recovery house in Wilmington NC (about 3.5hrs from me). Today is our one month anniversary, I guess you could call it that. A month since we first kissed. I met him in odd circumstances. I knew where he was coming from for the most part, and I knew where he was going to. So we started dating and a few days later he was accepted into this program in Wilmington. His brother who's 2yrs older than my boyfriend is not supportive at all. But he's not the best example either. He drinks a lot, takes adderall and gets kinda mean/rude and he's done and said some horrible things to his brother and doesn't even really care to see him in Wilmington though for 'title purposes' he is very quick to say 'but he is my brother' to keep up appearances. So the brother's not supportive. He thinks my boyfriend will fail in his recovery. He believes that my boyfriend will end up in jail or relapse. The friends that I met my boyfriend through are all quite judgemental, despite their own habits and problems, and think that I'm making a mistake by dating this guy because he's not "socially acceptable". Everybody has their views about people in recovery, people in halfway houses, addicts, alcoholics etc but they forget the fact that these people are people too just like 'the rest of us', ya know?
So back to my point. I'm dating this guy, hahaha. And everyday I get on the phone with my mom, I want to tell her that I'm dating this guy, especially since we've been together for a month now. But I don't know how to go about doing that. I'm contemplating not telling her until he's out of the program and out on his own that way he'll be "a guy in wilmington that i met" and it won't have the stigma of the halfway house and all that. Has anybody dated someone who's in a recovery house now and has had this issue of 'who do you tell' and 'how do you tell'?
I care about him very much and things are pretty solid. I just need to know what to do. Or I could at least use a little push in the right direction. If anything, i'd love for things to be just me & him for a while. Would that be more productive than telling everybody? I think it would because after all this is about his recovery, not his relationship with me or our relationship with each other...I go back and forth about this every day so if someone could help center me, that'd be great.
This looks like a new relationship with someone who is in recovery, so "treading lighly" would probably the way to go. At this point, don't tell mom, see where the relationship goes. Also, let him concentrate on his recovery.
I agree. There's a bunch of reasons why I personally wouldn't really want to tell my mom, but my boyfriend used to joke about telling my mom so the thought was in my head. My mom has her opinions and she's not open enough to receive any news about me having a boyfriend in recovery. I'm fully okay with letting him concentrate on his recovery.
I said in an al-anon meeting that there's a difference between working 'for' someone and working 'with' someone, and he and i are working together pretty well. He's doing his steps, has a job or two where he is, going to various meetings and home group studies. Doing everything he's supposed to be doing and I'm so proud that he's doing what he needs to be doing. On my side of things I'm going to al-anon meetings, open NA and AA meetings and I'm learning new things every day. I'm really looking forward to more moments with my boyfriend and I'm looking forward to communicating with other al-anon members through this site and through the meetings.
Thanks sirpher for the advice. I'll keep it in mind :)
Aloha fenderfem...didn't see a bio on your intro page so I haven't much to relate to other than your post reminded me of when I got into program and was a young'un. The suggestion that worked for me was get all the way into the program, sit down, listen, learn, practice practice practice and don't make any major decisions for myself for 2 years. I didn't do the last part of that one adamantly and adamantly stayed nuts till I did. I'd suggest you get all the way into the program, sit down, listen, learn etc.
The thingy that's keeping you from telling your mom is called fear and most likely because you have your own doubts about what you're doing. Try it out on a sponsor. Keep coming back (((((hugs)))))
wow. You are all over the place there girl and I can relate. But one month in, I dont know why ur worried about telling anyone, enoy it and see where it goes or even turns into anything worth talking about. It is apparent ur new bf has a big enalbler in his brother. Best way to help an A in recovery, is to work on your own program and face your own feelings and issues. In alanon, we dont give each other advice, per se - bc- here we suggest &/or offer our ESH (experience, strength & hope) from what has worked for us in program. I took it all like, one big experiment - a fellow member challenged me to try working the program, what did I have to lose after all? We guarantee u can take the misery back if you stop working recovery.
You see what works for you and what is effective, for you. Take what you like and leave the rest, we say. All you have to do is be willing to try and see. Awareness is painful and best way to work it is by being brutally honest with yourself and get into the right here, right now bc this is reality. You are doing a lot of projecting (into the future) and it is all a waste of time and energy that you could be spending on you where it will be the most effective. Enjoy each moment and take it odaat.
Glad you found us, hope u stay for the miracle ~ welcome ((( fenderfem )))
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Hey everybody. Thanks for the advice and words of encouragement and hope. I put up my bio so if anybody wants to know a bit more about me/my thought process, check it out. Thanks!
I can give you my ESH. I met the ex A more than 8 years ago now. When I met him it was a very casual friendship. Gradually over time I got more involved with him. For me there was no inbetween there was a friendship and then there was total commitment.
I boned with people in pain not in reality. I bonded with thier pain and with their issues not with reality of how I could better my life and not with an "out".
When I dated or was involved with someone (as I had abandonment issues) I was in a real hurry to commit and let everyone know that I was committed. Then after having committed myself I began to put all my energy, time and attention to that relationship. I called that "love" when actually it was not about loving myself as a person at all.
Al anon is a great place to come to learn not only about addicts and alcoholics but to learn about the trait of those of us who gravitate towards them. There isn't anything wrong with having a relationship but to be so "committed" so soon is a real red flag.
Early recovery for anyone is a very difficult time. Many sponsors and programs suggest not going into a committed relationship for a while. There is opportunity to "date" take it slowly and get to know one another. After all what is the hurry?
I rushed into every single relationship I had and then found it almost impossible to leave.
Caring about yourself means looking at your options and knowing there is a balance to life. When I was with an alcoholic there was just "the relationship" everything else got subsumed by that. And the issues were not all with him. The main issues were with me being over involved, over reactive and desperately lonely, lost and scared.
yes maresie, me too. I had abandonment issues and I became consumed with other people and in so doing, constantly abandonned myself, ignored & neglected myself. I was sexually promiscuous and then had misplaced loyalty and, didnt give up on people... (all the while still abandonning me). I was in major denial of my controlling and manipulative ways, blamed others and got to be a victim for twenty five years.
I too couldnt wait for anything, as I was so emotionally immature - impatience ran rampant and I was frustrated, anxiety ridden, tense and confused constantly. What a relife to give all of that up and work on me ~ it's so much more effective!
__________________
Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
