The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My boyfriend came back from treatment in April of this year. After his return he was sober (and still is), but things between us changed as well. for the last three months he never gave me the feeling I was genuinely loved, he doesn't return my calls, there is no quality time and he just sits in the house feeling tired and depressed all day.
I understand he still has a lot to work on, but it seems he is trying towards everyone but me. Also, i still have the feeling he doesn't want to realise he has much more issues than his drinking problems. i therefore do not know how I can help him, since I get the impression that he feels he doesn't need help, even though he admits he tired al the time and feeling unhappy.
i am now at a point that i cannot take it anymore. And even though i still love him very much and it broke my heart, i have broken of our relationship last sunday. I believe he has to take care of himself, before he can be in a relationship and I think that at this point I cannot support him anymore, because our fights probably only make the situation and his state of mind worse.
Now I am hardbroken, but Loving someone also means you have to let go sometimes.. but it still hurts a lot!!
I am so sorry to hear ur loss. Breakups are hard and breaking up with alcoholics are tons of harder. I broke up with mine over a month now and the pain still sometimes takes my breath away.
You did the right thing, at least you did the best you can to protect your own sanity. It sounds like your bf is being a dry drinker now, which sometimes is much harder for us to handle than being an active alcoholic. My exah said to me that he did not intentionally ignore my feelings but he is just in such a huge mess that he could not handle his own problems so he then could not take me into his consideration. So I walked out after I could not take this roll coaster ride anymore. I still hold a lot of resentments towards him but I know I will forgive him one day, so will you.
Your post resonates with me- My exHA did the same thing after both of his rehabs. I divorced him to prevent my daughter and I going homeless from his overwhelming debt. I did forgive him- it just came to me one day after much prayer. However, he said he would never forgive me.
He remarried last month to someone he met in his AA meetings. I know nothing of their relationship, but I do not think he has changed. While I'm still grieving, I am also relieved, as it is the only thing that could have happened to make me try to truly let go of him. Now, when he tries to contact me to 'dump' on me emotionally, I am practicing dodging and not taking it on.
hi and welcome to MIP and Alanon It does hurt very much to let a loved one go and not be thier safety net anymore. For me it is my son, he is an addict and who finally brought me into the program. I can't tell you how much alanon will help you regain your life back. I hope you find some meetings in your area and get some literature, this program has been my saving grace and has helped me understand this disease, how to cope with it in a much more healthy way than I had been. It has also given me strenght to make those hard decisions that while very hard to do in the end is whats best for me. It is beyond heartbreaking to have to let your child go and that's a pain I have to walk through. Please keep coming back Blessings
Welcome to the MIP family, we are so glad you are here. I found my way here while involved with an A in recovery and this place and the program of recovery made the healing process so much easier and I didn't only get to heal, I was able to grow!
I remember the pain of the breakup and am so glad to see that you have a clear view of what is happening and seem to have compassion and love in your heart. I was seething with anger and had to dig through that before I even got to the truth or any compassion. The person all that anger hurt the most was me! I am also glad you see that he has to help himself and you need to take care of yourself. Great start!!! I had such a hard time letting him go and not trying to save him, change myself for him, and jumping through hoops to keep us together when our relationship was tearing me apart.
Early sobriety is difficult, I know from experience, and sometimes just being able to focus on that is what the A needs. I know that I had a lot of "why" questions and this program, the support group, and the literature will help answer some of those questions - the most valuable for me were those questions about myself and my behaviors around the relationship.
I hope you can get to some face to face meetings of Al-Anon, I think it will help. We have online meetings here and the chat board usually has someone there to talk with you who understands. And of course, the message board is always here for you.
Please keep coming back. We are here for you.
Tricia
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I hate you are going thru this pain - in my experience - "not drinking" is not the same thing as "sobriety"
to me sobriety means abstaining from unhealthy substances and working on a recovery program and to help contribute to a healthy sober relationship for me I feel that I must persue sanity in my own life thru my own personal recovery (in Al-Anon)
The alcoholics/addicts in our lives may not choose to embrace sobriety completely - but it doesn't mean that we can't embrace a healthy and sane life for ourselves.
wishing the very best for you, HUGS, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I am sorry you are hurting. When my bf first quit drinking he was tired all the time and slept a lot and hardly talked so I think that is normal. They go tru so many changes when they stop drinking. I don't think there's much you can do but to take care of yourself.
Early sobriety can be a trying time. I used to thinkt he ex A was generous and kind to everyone but me. In fact he was a real trial to anyone around him. He could create some great mirages.
Manipulation is a feature of alcoholism (not that I didn't manipulate myself!).
I am gladyou are reaching out for help. You deserve it. Sober or not being an alcoholic can be very very difficult. At the same time being around an alcoholic brought me here on my hands and knees and I am very very glad to be here. Being around an alcoholic brought me to a face where I was for once willing to look at my issues and take action. So some good can come from this encounter for you.
I know Nicki that letting go is one of the hardest things you can do.
It sounds like your expectations are those of a normal relationship, but remember Alcoholics are not normal. Sounds like your expecting more then he can give at this time.
I think letting go is wise for now. We dont know what the future holds for us. I personally dont believe in shutting doors.
Its good that your reaching out here and concentrating on yourself and your recovery!!
Our recovery is our inner journey, let it be about you.
Thank you all for your support and wise words. i have started to read some Al Anon books and i just ordered getting them sober. There are many "why's" in my head right now. Why can he focus on all other things but me in his recovery? Am I not important to him? Why can he have quality time with his parents and some of his friends, but not with me? At this point I also question whether I made the right decision to end things completetely, even though at some level I know I made the right decision and it is my health and sanity i have to think about now.
I do think my expectations were too high given the situation. However, even the smallest sign of affection or love would have made a difference, but is didnt came. I hope he can now focus on his recovery completely and I can focus on me again, which is something I haven't been doing for over a year. maybe one day, when we are both in a different stages of our life, we will meet again. If it is ment to be, our paths will cross..
