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Aloha MIP family...I'm following up on the suggestion of a former Al-Anon sponsor who in response to my comisserating about a problem in my life offered the title. This post is also an update on an earlier post about "Wanting my brother (in recovery) back". My Sponsor's suggestion was about finding powerlessness and supportiveness and knowing the difference.
I don't know if I mentioned that my "recovery brother" was in a Federal Dentention Facility on Oahu. He is and has been there for 3 months now. Most of the local fellowship have done a detachment from him as my wife and I have to the extent that it be fair honest and just. See this fellow was treated with open acceptance, honestly and love and was supported in his needs as a member of our family groups. He was also enabled to get away with behavior not conducive to program traditions and guidelines by some of the membership which built a wall of mis- trust between him and others, one being myself. His service caused him to cross the gap between Al-Anon and the public for which I was very concerned however none of us knew the secret he held and practiced until he was caught and for which he would be sentenced. That secret will not be that he was lying to the fellowship and had he been honest would not have had the trust and support he stole. While he was in detention we learned that he copped out to "one" count while we were finding out that there were several and that others knew more. More than several of us continued to support him in one way or another while we got little to no support from him for what we are going thru.
We will be having a meeting in the local groups, outside of Al-Anon, to handle the conflict and concerns that we are stuck with for now. It will be about coming to an understanding, forgiving the best we can and finally closure on our parts and allowing him to be fully responsible for where he is and why.
Where he is has changed. My spouse notified me that the reason why he has not emailed as often as he had was that he was moved out of the "special" prisioner facility to the general population and has been suffering the consequences "not doing well with it". We are not doing well with it either. His deception has put somewhat of a trust cloud on the family groups locally. I don't know the extent completely but I do know from experience its there.
I helped him take care of personal matters...I was paid. I would have asked to be paid otherwise I would have been stepping up to be more responsible to his condition than he was taking. I was paid and patronized as were all of the fellowship here and we were and are being asked to send letters of reference supporting him to the judge and court that will sentence him. I have alot of time and will have more to contemplate the definition and practice of fair, honest and just by the time I send a letter if I do send a letter. By lying he held us up to the principles of the program while not practicing them himself.
I am a little torn with my response here. See I believe in forgiveness. Without forgiveness we can not move forward.
I wish I could have forgiven my husband sooner than I did. Without forgiveness our hearts are heavy and it preys on our minds constantly.
I do not know what this brother did however, he is in jail so I imagine it was not so good. Jerry jails, institution and death...those are the roads that addiction lead us to....
My brother, do some sould searching, try and let god and let go. I know in my heart you will do the right thing because that is the wonderful person you are.
I'm glad there have been some plans made for yourself and others affected by this to come together and each find a way to some sort of peace with the situation. Healing can be slow to start, alot of progress can be made together. Perhaps there will be insight shared that will help in your decision making process. Keep handing it over to your HP. You are in my prayers.
If it were me in your shoes - I could not write a letter of reference for him....
One of the things we all struggle with in life is our integrity to ourselves, and I could not write a "false" or misleading character reference for a person with this kind of track record.... I don't see this issue as one being so much centered around 'forgiveness' as I do see it about maintaining your integrity, honesty, and being someone who can look in the mirror & be proud....
Be yourself Jerry, and honor yourself in your actions..... You are a very special and amazing man, and that shows through in all of your actions. One of my favourite "non-program" quotes - "the best thing about telling the truth is you never have to remember what you told anyone"
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I'm not going to be too articulate here, but the big thought going through my head is - this individual in recovery was not fixed by his participation in recovery - and none of us are. We do our best to overcome our character defects and we still all screw up. Some of us screw up more or less than others, we are in different places in our recovery. Thank HP that AA and Alanon are always there for all of his children. When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help.....and let it begin with me.
I think it's up to each member to decide as individuals, outside of their affiliation with alanon to write a reference, or not. But I hope the doors of the program will always be open for this man.
I know you have a close relationship with your HP. There-in lies your answer.......you will know in His time the answer that you are looking for. My guess, your answer will become crystal clear.
Lot's of thing's spring to mind here but mostly I am seeing a caring Jerry F who's feelings are in conflict with the actions he has on a decision to make, I think you are in torment trying to sit on the fence here, and you are almost trying to cling on to something that isn't yours to own, this is a very fragile situation and I think the fact that you are further along the road of recovery than this man, doing the very thing that you are in torrment over is really none of your business, it is that mans problem, when we attend our meetings, we can all talk the talk, at first thats all I could do, but thats where I was supposed to be right?, only I knew the integrity of my own words, and to thy own self be true, the answer will come to you, and do you even have to write a letter?
