The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have been away for a while (not recovery, but the board) and I just wanted to share about my dry drunk sister
Growing up in an alcoholic family and marrying problem drinkers, and also becoming problem drinkers ourselves- I do believe that mine was symptomatic of my pain- Possibly hers was too
Anway, we both "cleaned up our lives" with my getting into recovery after divorce no. 2 and she never got into recovery! As I progress, I see just how "un-recovered" she is
She is terrible to me. Insulting. Demeaning. Minimizing. Refuses to call me but uses that cursed text feature on a cell. Anything to aggravate and put me down
I have had to block her from my Facebook, cell phone (she does not have my land line), I blocked her from my email and I am just kicking myself for giving her chance after chance to be "sisters" and now I am realizing that it just is not worth my serenity. I wrote her an email, telling her that this was not happy nor was it healthy for my recovery and I was "bailing out" and detaching, better yet disconnecting from her and her horrible treatment of me.
I remember when we were children, she was brutal to me in that she beat me and brutalized me and my little brothers. One day when I felt like I was big enough to stop her, I hit her in the back of the head with a snow shovel and knocked the stuffings out of her. When she was able to get on her feet, I warned her that if she ever laid an abusive hand on me or my little brothers, I would take her apart.
I know that was extreme, but her brutalization of us was extreme.
With recovery, I did tell her that I was aware of my retaliating against her and even though I was right to defend myself, I was aware that I could have really smashed her head in with the shovel and I took responsibility for my part in that it was my rresponse to a belief that the abuse would not stop
Anyway, there were other mean things I did to her that were flat out wrong and I took responsibility for them as well. Did she ever make amends for her cruelty and abuse? Of course not. Did I expect any? Of course not
I feel so much better to have banned her from my life. Its too bad it had to come to that, but I am respnsible for my serenity and what ever action I must take to ensure that, I will do it without violence which is what I did.
I think she needs to go back to drinking. I think she was less undesireable. Just kidding. I am not kidding, though, when I talk about my AB. He is very sweet and loving. Drunk or sober. I pray each day that he seeks recovery.
Thanks for listening and I am sure some of you have had to live with and disconnect from a "dry drunk". Also, and this is not to be cruel, but this woman is very very cruel natured, I think. She seems to enjoy doing mean, harsh things to others with no conscience about it whatsoever. Never any remourse. I truly don't believe she can feel empathy for another's pain and that is why so many people reject or abandon her. Like I have had to do now.
I hope all of you are doing fine, one day at a time
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I too found dry drunk behaviour more confusing and crazy-making than overt drinking. At least during a relapse, I had a recognizable, tangible behaviour I could deal with and set boundaries around. Plus, since both of my exes were recovering As, it was clear-cut that drinking was unacceptable.
Not so for the dry drunk stuff. Both of my exes could be verbally quite nasty toward me, speaking to me condescendingly, belittling and arrogant. Certainly not behaviour I would tolerate in a friend -- so why did I meekly take it from a significant other? Possibly because I was a good little ACoA, accustomed to being treated demeaningly, and I hadn't yet found AlAnon?
But I spent far too much time analyzing and overthinking, trying to puzzle out what was "dry drunk" and what might just be an intrinsic aspect of their personalities.
In the end, it wasn't up to me to stick a label on it -- just to decide what I could and could not tolerate, and set my boundaries accordingly.
__________________
Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
Ohhhh yeah - I think dry drunk behavior was worse in my experience. At least when the alcoholics were drinking, I could see that they were drinking and have some way to explain the crazy behavior.
It's easy to think that sobriety means the end of all the problems, I think. For me, when my husband was drinking, I spent so much time wanting him to be sober and thinking that everything would be perfect if he would only put the drink down. NOT SO.
I'm sorry to learn that you can't have a decent relationship with your sister. It sounds as though she has a lot to work through! I hope you can detach with love and let go of the past.
Wishing you well.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I am very sorry to hear about what you are experiencing with your sister. Please let any guilt go around the decisions you have made, it is completely justifiable to protect ourselves from abuse even though we wish we didn't have to.
As for the dry drunk issue . . . My experience as a double winner is that alcohol is just a symptom of an underlying issue. An issue of fear, unhappiness, a feeling of never fitting in. We alcholics drink to feel better. It seems to be the only thing that does make many of us feel normal. Our minds, for whatever reason, may be prone to abuse others, may focus on drama, may be self-centered and selfish . . . on and on. Each of us is different, but not unique . While those around us suffer from the affects of our alcoholism, our black outs, our rants, our "I love you man" nights, our cheating, drunk driving, peeing the bed, sleeping on the bathroom floor, the horrible regrets and promises the next morning, lack of responsibility, abuse . . . on and on . . . those are the affects of alcohol. We show up drunk at work and lose our jobs. We get DUIs and lose our license and hopefully not kill anyone. You get the point. While the alcohol itself and what it does to us and our lives is horrible, it still isn't the center of our problem. It is the result of our problem, but not the cause.
Our hurt, our pain, our anger, our inability to deal with others . . . plain and simple - some emotional and/or intellectual problem is causing us so much pain/confusion/discomfort/fear/anger/unhappiness that we drink. We drink to feel better. Take away the alcohol . . . and what is the obvious math? We feel worse.
One of the reasons that the 12 step program has some success for alcoholics (and others) is it takes those issues head on. It addresses the emotional and intellectual problems and hopefully teaches us to be better at dealing with life on life's terms. It helps us learn how to look outside ourselves. It helps us learn how to deal with and express our feelings in a more healthy way. Most importantly it helps us take the wreckage we have caused ourselves and others and accept it, make amends, and move forward.
That said, I am not trying to make sweeping statements. There are those out there that drink heavily and stop and life gets better. But there are those out there that are just plain miserable and the only true happiness they find is in the bottle or other substances or habits. Do they love us? I believe so. But their love for us does not hold any answers for their unhappiness. In fact, my personal belief is their love for others can cause more pain because "doing it right" seems impossible. Acceptance for themselves is out of reach, so how can anyone else possibly accept us?
Completely just my take. Getting sober is often a wonderful start and can truly be difficult. I can tell you that I used to rejoice every time I passed a cop on the road because I was not driving drunk anymore. It is the little things. But, in my humble opinion, true serenity and real sobriety come when the underlying issues are addressed.
Sounds like you are focusing on your recovery and your serenity which is ALL YOU CAN DO. Detach with love and pray that she finds recovery.
tlc
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I'm still processing it all; this weekend, I was feeling sentimental and sad over the loss of the man locked behind his disease. There is still some residual guilt for having to protect myself and our daughter from his abuse as he repeatedly cycled through being active and withdrawal over the years. I remember the moment I found out that our auto insurance was dropped due to his having well over a dozen accidents in less than a year that I was previously unaware of. I also remember my hurt when he announced that he didn't want me because it could never be how he wanted it to be. Of course, I took it personally at the time, but am coming to understand it better- thanks, to Ticate's post.
It is hard loving someone who is on a spiraling self-destructive path. Recently, my exha remarried. I still love and care about him, but from a distance. That will have to be good enough as I find the path intended for me.
Keep coming back- for me, the process of this program takes time, but this program does work!
From my experience my AHsober (sober for over 20 years) is much harder to deal with then any drunk I went thru with him. They are emotionally immature. As for you sister it sounds more like therapy then recover issues. Just a thought.
From my experience my AHsober (sober for over 20 years) is much harder to deal with then any drunk I went thru with him. They are emotionally immature. As for you sister it sounds more like therapy then recover issues. Just a thought.
In support, Nancy
Dear Nancy
VERY interesting point. She has been in therapy. I guess therapy can only fix wounded emotions. It cannot help one "grow" a heart. This lady absolutely has no care for any others. I have seen her do things to people and totally not care and even gets some joy out it. She has a above average mind, but no conscience, really, to govern it. Seeing this generates genuine pity for her on my part. Instead of resentment and even some hate, I can let it go as I see how devoid of compassion she is. I actually feel sorry for this person who will eventually have to face herself in some fashion or another. Life can be very harsh if we do not do what is right
Thank you all for your wisdom on this. I know when she was drinking with me, partying the way we did, she would throw herself at any man she desired to, and it didn't matter if he was married or not. I used to sit at the bar with her, horrified and ashamed at being with her, watching her no conscience behavior. Oh well, thank heavens, I don't have to live with her or even talk with her. I just thought about this. I have a good therapist I see as needed, now, as I progress in my recovery and she told me that there is a huge difference between just being ill and wanting to recoup the emotional balance from a person who just has no ability to respect other's feelings and boundaries. Reading your shares caused me to think of some things
Thank you all. I am so proud of us all being here. Working on our recovery because we want to get better and be healthier. That says a lot about us.
__________________
Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
Thank you all. I am so proud of us all being here. Working on our recovery because we want to get better and be healthier. That says a lot about us.
Dear Neshema
Thank you so much for the insightful and honest post. The ESH that was geneated helped me to see members of my family in a different light.
I so loved the above statement!!!. I too salute all the members of MIP for their dedication to finding a new constructive path on which to live and grow.
I am very sorry to hear about what you are experiencing with your sister. Please let any guilt go around the decisions you have made, it is completely justifiable to protect ourselves from abuse even though we wish we didn't have to.
As for the dry drunk issue . . . My experience as a double winner is that alcohol is just a symptom of an underlying issue. An issue of fear, unhappiness, a feeling of never fitting in. We alcholics drink to feel better. It seems to be the only thing that does make many of us feel normal. Our minds, for whatever reason, may be prone to abuse others, may focus on drama, may be self-centered and selfish . . . on and on. Each of us is different, but not unique . While those around us suffer from the affects of our alcoholism, our black outs, our rants, our "I love you man" nights, our cheating, drunk driving, peeing the bed, sleeping on the bathroom floor, the horrible regrets and promises the next morning, lack of responsibility, abuse . . . on and on . . . those are the affects of alcohol. We show up drunk at work and lose our jobs. We get DUIs and lose our license and hopefully not kill anyone. You get the point. While the alcohol itself and what it does to us and our lives is horrible, it still isn't the center of our problem. It is the result of our problem, but not the cause.
Our hurt, our pain, our anger, our inability to deal with others . . . plain and simple - some emotional and/or intellectual problem is causing us so much pain/confusion/discomfort/fear/anger/unhappiness that we drink. We drink to feel better. Take away the alcohol . . . and what is the obvious math? We feel worse.
One of the reasons that the 12 step program has some success for alcoholics (and others) is it takes those issues head on. It addresses the emotional and intellectual problems and hopefully teaches us to be better at dealing with life on life's terms. It helps us learn how to look outside ourselves. It helps us learn how to deal with and express our feelings in a more healthy way. Most importantly it helps us take the wreckage we have caused ourselves and others and accept it, make amends, and move forward.
That said, I am not trying to make sweeping statements. There are those out there that drink heavily and stop and life gets better. But there are those out there that are just plain miserable and the only true happiness they find is in the bottle or other substances or habits. Do they love us? I believe so. But their love for us does not hold any answers for their unhappiness. In fact, my personal belief is their love for others can cause more pain because "doing it right" seems impossible. Acceptance for themselves is out of reach, so how can anyone else possibly accept us?
Completely just my take. Getting sober is often a wonderful start and can truly be difficult. I can tell you that I used to rejoice every time I passed a cop on the road because I was not driving drunk anymore. It is the little things. But, in my humble opinion, true serenity and real sobriety come when the underlying issues are addressed.
Sounds like you are focusing on your recovery and your serenity which is ALL YOU CAN DO. Detach with love and pray that she finds recovery.
tlc
This is an excellent post. You've come a long way in your healing.
My BF is a dry drunk and the part of your post I relate with is when you say this
"Do they love us? I believe so. But their love for us does not hold any answers for their unhappiness. In fact, my personal belief is their love for others can cause more pain because "doing it right" seems impossible. Acceptance for themselves is out of reach, so how can anyone else possibly accept us?"
. While those around us suffer from the affects of our alcoholism, our black outs, our rants, our "I love you man" nights, our cheating, drunk driving, peeing the bed, sleeping on the bathroom floor, the horrible regrets and promises the next morning, lack of responsibility, abuse . . . on and on . . . those are the affects of alcohol. We show up drunk at work and lose our jobs. We get DUIs and lose our license and hopefully not kill anyone. You get the point. While the alcohol itself and what it does to us and our lives is horrible, it still isn't the center of our problem. It is the result of our problem, but not the cause.
But, in my humble opinion, true serenity and real sobriety come when the underlying issues are addressed.