The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have really been struggling with my relationship with my 17 yr old son lately. He is not an A, just a teenager, but shares so many characteristics of my exAh, that it is difficult at times to separate myself. So, is an A like a teen or a teen like an A? Hard to know, all I know is that I am easily triggered and over-reactive to the behavior that I thought left my home when my ex moved out. On the other hand, my son's complaints of my behavior, and my interactions with him, often mirror what my exAH said of me. It is frequent enough and different enough that it makes me realize that much of it must be true, but I don't know what it is. How can I change who I am when I don't even know who that is? What is it that I do that is so offensive, or more importantly does not impart the love and acceptance that is so desired?
In a meeting last week, I shared this and how I knew that my behavior needs to change; how I alone can change the dynamics of my family, but I just don't know how. After the meeting, a woman who has active alcoholism in her life, but still has a gentle peacefulness about her, approached me. She asked me if I pray. I told her I want to, but I don't, mostly because I just forget, but also because I obviously don't entrust that my HP has the power I need. She encouraged me to just ask for help, to ask "how to be".
So I started praying all last week, putting the focus on my message, not on the exact words I was using, keeping in mind that God knows my heart. I made it simple. "Please God, just show me how to be". I prayed in my down time (like in the car, shower, doing dishes), and before my interactions with others.
My son came home from a week-long camp yesterday. We had a terrible week before he left. He was excited and pleasant in his interactions with me, and making an obvious effort to be positive. As the afternoon progressed, I found myself talking to myself, telling me to refrain from commenting, to listen, to rephrase what I just said, to ignore that comment, to say please and thank you... I had an awareness that I certainly didn't have before. I was practicing "how to be".
I have to say that I do find it interesting that I haven't put my heart into asking for help, even though I know that my HP has been actively working in my life. I have experienced so many miracles, and am a testament to "God helps those who help themselves". That has worked for the outward things of my life (job, home, car..), and often the results were far greater than I could have imagined. I found that I am resourceful, resiliant and strong, even though I often thought I was going to crumble or spontaneously combust many, many times. I have not been alone. Now it is time to really focus on healing my inside. Maybe I'm not as broken as I thought. Perhaps this will work. I just need to ask how to be.
Blessings, Lou
__________________
Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
Thank you ((Lou)) for sharing this post. I have been struggling lately with the word.thoughts of my prayers for them to match what is in my heart. This is a nice reminder of how simple it can be, and that the truth of my heart will be heard no matter what. I hope your relationship with your son continues to grow into the peacefulness you both want.
Thank you for that powerful insight. The depth and levels of this program are truly awesome!!!
Hearing that still small voice that cautioned me as you noted with 'wait do not do that" or " Wait consider before you speak." was lkea miracle when I first felt it. Now I listen very carefully for my HPs direction before I act or speak
What freedom and power.!!!
Thanks again for sharing the journey
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 19th of July 2010 07:54:54 AM
I don't pray, but I do take time to meditate which I find is similar in fashion. And what a wonderful thing to pray for! I am so glad it is working for you.
I find meditation helps me stay calmer and more centered. It does help me not react so quickly and hence gives me time to think before I react. That takes practice! Finding that "edit" key is a wonderful thing.
Teens are tough! My girl just turned 18 and graduated high school. Talk about a challenge, I am right there with you!
tlc
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
The teen years sure are challenging! My daughter recently turned 19, and, is a good person but with very typical 19 year old behavior. It's anxiety-provoking, especially, as it does reming me of my exHA's behavior, as well. Also, she speaks without thinking and says very hurtful things in addition to being fresh.
She and I had a talk recently and I understand that she feels she is grown up, but the truth is, she is still growing up. Since I am working this program, I guess that makes the two of us growing up and there are bound to be some growing pains...
I have three grown sons - 27, 25, 23. It is hard to deal with them sometimes. They seem to blame me for their dad leaving our marriage. And they tell me that I should divorce him and I haven't. So I think their attitudes affect our relationship. Their dad doesn't treat me well and sometimes they don't treat me well.
