I read a recent post from someone new to here and it struck me to reply. I could see myself in the original poster and I felt the need to offer some support. Then it struck me that I have neglected to thank those who were a lifeline in what has to be described as the worse time in my life. And there was one thing I mentioned in my reply I feel the need for all of you to know. I hope no one minds me copying and pasting as I got rather long winded.

"After months of struggling to make sense of my AH, alcoholism, AA, AlAnon, rehab and my reaction to all of the above, I have peace. When my world crashed, I took a shotgun effect to try to cope and learn how to make everything better. Nothing worked. I posted here a few times, went to a few meetings, read a few good books and found I was making the same mistakes over and over and over again. I did not apply anything I learned because I was so overwhelmed from the effects of the disease and also of the stranger I had become.
I finally stopped, took a breath and reevaluated.
I have started another  journey that leaves me deciding to do what maked ME happy. No one else. Not my kids nor my AH. Me. I put me first. And I found I am a much better person and feel so much better for it. I found it makes me happy to do things for my AH like cards of support, back rubs, special ways to show I care. But only because I have found things that make me happy. Like feeding the birds, sewing, LOL Cats. etc.
Does he still drink? Yes, on ocassion and very little. Where before I would spaz out and cry, beg and generally try to guilt him into stopping, I just now remove myself from his presence. He can have me or alcohol but not both. His choice. And there are no reproaches from me if he chooses the bottle. He is finally learning that being with a happy, loving wife is much better than sitting all alone on the couch with a bottle. He is learning that life goes on without him if he chooses to drink.
Will it work to make my husband an ex-alcoholic? Nope. But I learned that there is nothing I can do to make him drink or stop. But by choosing to be happy and getting rid of the chaos in my own head, I no longer feel the need to "cope". It is as it is and I am doing well. Because of it, my husband is doing better and my marriage and heart is not shattered.
Is it what I envisioned? Nope. My marriage is probably like yours. It is like taking a vacation to France and you wind up in Germany with no way out. You do not speak the language, the scenery is nothing like you expected and you didn't bring the right clothing. I remember being horribly bitter and yelling in my head "This is not what I planned or was promised @%&**@!!!!" But what I found is that Germany can be nice. The food is different but not bad, the scenery is beautiful if I take the time to really look at it and I didn't speak French anyway.
So if you are still reading, just know that there is hope. You can get thru this and all is not lost. As difficult as it may be to comprehend, just  focus on yourself. I believe it is the key to surviving the rath of this disease.
Even though I am not very active as far as posting on this board, I frequent it often. It shores me up and I see myself a lot here. I also see the person I want to become here."

To repeat: I also see the person I want to become here.

I know my journey is far from completed and I have no idea what the future may bring. But regardless, the members here have taught me invaluable lessons and just knowing that at any moment of the night or day I could reach out and share my personal hell has kept me from falling into the abyss.

For that, I thank each and every one of you.

-- Edited by Acatnip on Sunday 18th of July 2010 06:29:43 PM