The material presented
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Dont know what to do or how to handle this ...Married a man who was an alcoholic and started drinking again. He says he loves me with all his heart and I try to believe that but in MY heart I know he loves the bottle more than me! I feel like I am fighting a ghost that I cant hit......He told me he knows he has a problem but makes no attempt to make an effort to get help....cant deal with it knowng that that even though our marriage is on the line, he will take a drink and say tomorrow.........always tomorrow!!!!! Damn!!!!
Welcome to MIP! This site has been a wonderful asset to my recovery journey. I hope you will find face-to-face meetings for yourself, as well as keep coming back here. Alcoholism is a family disease and affects everyone in the family, not just the alcoholic. The good news is that you can find peace for yourself regardless of whether another person drinks.
Al-Anon is for people who are effected by someone else's drinking. Everyone in the program falls into that category. You are no different. It's a crazy, powerful and insane disease that only progresses if left unchecked. We have no control over their drinking. We can beg, plead, stomp, and cuss, but nothing will change until a alcoholic decides to seek help. When I first came to Al-Anon I came for the same reason as most everyone else. Alcohol had made my life unmanageable....It made me do and say things no sane person would ever say or do. I wanted someone to tell me how to stop my alcoholic from drinking. I was disappointed when I was told that I had no control over the A in my life and I was powerless over alcohol and the disease.... the only person I could control and change was me.
The good news is there is help for you and you have already made the first step by coming to MIP. The program will give you the tools to make your life better whether the alcoholic in your life is drinking or not. When I started attending face to face meetings my life got better. I had to "unlearn" all the things I had been doing that weren't working. I was told I needed to change, and I didn't like that either. Why did I need to change I wasn't the one with the problem? After attending a couple of meeting where I was surrounded by friendly caring members who were walking or had walked in my shoes I made a decision to accept the program at face value. I didn't question the program because I wanted what I saw others in those rooms had. That was four years ago and it was the best decision I ever made. You have the same opportunity. It's there for the taking. The program has changed the lives of millions of members worldwide for over 60 years. It's proven and tested. It works if you work it.
We don't give advice because we are not walking in your shoes, but we do give you our experience, strength, and hope......what has worked for us. Give the program a try you won't regret it. I'm living proof it works.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Saturday 17th of July 2010 10:20:01 PM
sduff, I feel your pain. More importantly, I live it. I wish I could say I lived if but with an alcoholic you just never know. Today could be the day he stops, it could be the day he drinks himself to stupor. But today IS the day you can choose to make yourself better able to cope, whichever it will be. Hard to believe that when your life is so out of control, you truly have the ability to choose something. But you do. After months of struggling to make sense of my AH, alcoholism, AA, AlAnon, rehab and my reaction to all of the above, I have peace. When my world crashed, I took a shotgun effect to try to cope and learn how to make everything better. Nothing worked. I posted here a few times, went to a few meetings, read a few good books and found I was making the same mistakes over and over and over again. I did not apply anything I learned because I was so overwhelmed from the effects of the disease and also of the stranger I had become. I finally stopped, took a breath and reevaluated. I have started another journey that leaves me deciding to do what maked ME happy. No one else. Not my kids nor my AH. Me. I put me first. And I found I am a much better person and feel so much better for it. I found it makes me happy to do things for my AH like cards of support, back rubs, special ways to show I care. But only because I have found things that make me happy. Like feeding the birds, sewing, LOL Cats. etc. Does he still drink? Yes, on ocassion and very little. Where before I would spaz out and cry, beg and generally try to guilt him into stopping, I just now remove myself from his presence. He can have me or alcohol but not both. His choice. And there are no reproaches from me if he chooses the bottle. He is finally learning that being with a happy, loving wife is much better than sitting all alone on the couch with a bottle. He is learning that life goes on without him if he chooses to drink. Will it work to make my husband an ex-alcoholic? Nope. But I learned that there is nothing I can do to make him drink or stop. But by choosing to be happy and getting rid of the chaos in my own head, I no longer feel the need to "cope". It is as it is and I am doing well. Because of it, my husband is doing better and my marriage and heart is not shattered. Is it what I envisioned? Nope. My marriage is probably like yours. It is like taking a vacation to France and you wind up in Germany with no way out. You do not speak the language, the scenery is nothing like you expected and you didn't bring the right clothing. I remember being horribly bitter and yelling in my head "This is not what I planned or was promised @%&**@!!!!" But what I found is that Germany can be nice. The food is different but not bad, the scenery is beautiful if I take the time to really look at it and I didn't speak French anyway. So if you are still reading, just know that there is hope. You can get thru this and all is not lost. As difficult as it may be to comprehend, just focus on yourself. I believe it is the key to surviving the rath of this disease. Even though I am not very active as far as posting on this board, I frequent it often. It shores me up and I see myself a lot here. I also see the person I want to become here. I hope you find some solice in what has become a rather wordy post. It comes from the heart and I hope you find something that helps you find just a small token of peace today.
You have received some terrific ESH here from other members. The only thing I want add is that it's entirely possible that your AH loves you, wants his marriage AND is addicted to alcohol. It doesn't make it right, but part of their disease is that they drink regardless of the havoc it brings to their lives. Alcoholism is not a message to the wife/husband/partner/child that they are not loved or loved enough by the alcoholic. If love could overcome alcoholism, there would be no more alcoholism. I hope that you can find face to face meetings so that you can find some measure of serenity for yourself and keep posting your thoughts and feelings here.
I'm so glad you are here. I hope you will let al anon into your life. Embracing the program has taken me a long long time. I still very much live around alcoholics but not intimately. I have a younger sister who has been an alcoholic for decades.
This disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. You need help in being around it. If you tune into this program (and it may take a while) you can get that help and more.
