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I had finally came to my limit last week which I am referring to my Post "First Time asking for Help"
This is what has happened since. That night I talked with my kids they agreed that if it took asking their father to leave they would agree with it. He always tells me he will pack the kids up and leave. So I removed that control button. The kids said they would stay with me while their father got help on the agreement that their father could come back. Then I took control of my keys. They stay with me and he agreed not to drink if he did use my truck to go to the store. I really do believe him I told him to drive his truck if he thinks he is going to drive. That I bought that truck with part of my first installment of my inheritance. Then I tool control of this next inheritance by telling him I want accounting of all money, me and him both because this money is to buy a house. He agreed.
Then after I took control of the kids, truck keys and money. He took it upon himself to stop drinking. I took control of all these issues. But before I started on the second issue I saw that he wasn't drinking. Made no efforts to go get beer. This is unusual he drinks at least 6 to 18 beer a day for a very long time.
Then even before I touched to third issue he had sat the kids down and asked them how and what they felt that he wouldn't be mad at them. It took the kids awhile to feel comfortable with talking. He did ask if they came to this conclusion on their own and if they saw this on their own. Mainly checking to see if MOM had anything to do with this. By the end of the conversation with them he was in tears. I dont think he ever realized what it did to the kids to see him with a beer in his hand from 5 pm until bedtime. My A very rarely drank before 5 pm on weeknights and 3 pm on weekends.
Its been 5 days I believe and he hasn't drank a beer. My sister loves my A to pieces but she thinks hes doing this because the money is coming in again. I don't feel that way. My A is a GOOD man just with a problem. He would give his shirt off his back for another person, he has more empathy in his body then most women do. Like my sister says "Clint is a great guy just a mean drunk."
But have I stumbling onto my first stone? That he is trying to face his issue about drinking? I have no clue we have never really talked about his drinking, never talked about how the kids felt, and I have never put limits on him. This was all his doing. I wonder if reality showed it ugly face that night when he yelled at me in front of my family? Before it was always in private. I wonder if embarrasment caused alot of this? I have never been at this point so I am still lost at whats going on. I am sitting around here with resentments watching him wondering. If he is really trying I don't want to hold resentments but I want to yell "Yes you had a problem but I got hurt during it. Don't I count and my feelings?!!!" Its almost like I want him to say "Baby you are perfect you didn't cause all the marriage problems." But that would be selfish of me. I think my self esteem and ego took way to many blows throughout the 14 years of drinking. Our anniversary was yesterday.
Ok see if anyone can make sense of all this jumble.
Boy do I know where your coming from. My A is also a great guy when not drinking. At first when he became sober I did not trust him a bit. I was still looking for it smelling cups testing him. A lot of wasted time. I can't control him and you will know if he is drinking. Can't find it forever. I also was mad at my A. Everyone was saying he doing great. Oh he is sick. Well what about me I wanted to yell at then. Hello I am the one who had to take it all and keep the hoouse running. It was not until I came here that people understood what I was going though. So I just wanted to say we got it. It makes sense to us here in this room. You are not alone. I hope you stay around and learn from the ones that have been around awhile. I hope your A is going to meetings they work. Try to have him go to a few. Find one he likes.
hi LLPluv :) My guess would be that your A changed simply because YOU changed. It scares the heck out of them. When we stop our old behaviors, they have to start looking at their own. Luckily, your A wants to do something about it. Many don't or just don't feel that they can. Although I hope your sister is incorrect about him doing this due to the $$, but there is always that chance, keep your guard up just in case. Going to AA would be a huge benefit to his recovery, but the important thing is YOU. Even though you have some resentments going on..try trading those in for gratefulness. Most of us would give just about anything to have our spouses out of the grips of the disease. I'm sure you know that it doesn't mean everything is ok now. Years of living with an A need yrs of the alanon program. The old feelings sure don't vanish. Keep doing what you are doing, protecting yourself and your children...and hopefully, the rest will fall in to place. You said you never talked to him about his drinking, maybe now is the time. Maybe you should both get some feelings out. Communication is so key. He talked to the kids, why not you too? Who knows, maybe he wants to but just doesn't know how. If I can suggest..if you do talk, set your boundaries for him and you before you talk. Try to refrain from using the word "you" (it usually follows blame) and concentrate on "I feel". Once you have it off your chest that you feel resentment and that you feel hurt, I bet you'll feel better. :) Men aren't overly intuitive, we expect them to know our feelings and the fact is they just don't. They think totally difefrently. Many times I have talked to my A and afterward he will say "I'm sorry, I had no idea".
ok, I'll jump off the soap box :) Good Luck to you and congrats to your husband. Christy
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
I tried to talk to him and he stops me before I can start or says "I just want to have a good day"
He will talk to the kids but he wont hear about the feeling I might have. I guess hes not ready. But I feel so unloved and so uncared for that he will give the children a sense of relief but I can't get an ounce of conversation with him. I am not at all a direct or aggressive person so when I do talk I try my hardest to find words that won't be so directive to put him on the defense. But he always goes on the defense and I get shut out.
On the phone he said he was going to his brothers to pick up some tools for his flooring job. I asked him is I needed to go to the store to get dinner so I could have it done by dinner time. (before he left to run errands he said he would go to the store before I knew he was going to his brothers.) Or if he could stop at the store before he goes over there. He got upset. I calmly said "You would have reasons to get upset with me if I am always on you about the time you spend with him but all I ask is to have the shopping done before dinner time." "I even offered to go."
All this because many many times he goes to his brothers or his brother would go to the bar we owned and they would drink and talk until 5 am. Rarely I got onto him about it. This time I didnt but he still got upset with me. But of course he has to say I do it all the time. I hurts my feelings because I do try not to nag. But hes going to think how he thinks.
Thank you for the advice to talk with him but I dont think right now he is ready to hear how I feel.
Ok, That gives a little more clarity as to what he is doing and how he is acting. It seems he's hanging on to his old feelings, he needs AA to work through them but there's not much you can do about that. Dry drunk behavior is just as rough as the the drunk. Same issues only w/o the beer. All you can do is continue to help YOU until he feels the need to help himself.
((hugs))
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If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
Um....sorta sounds like it was listening to the children...that's made him see the light. Keep on being calm. The ball is on his side of the court now. Take your resentments to alanon for now and take care of you. His sobriety is up to him now. Sounds like progress to me, my opinion.
