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After more than a year from hell my Ah finally quit drinking. For awhile. He went over three months sober but this past week I've noticed he's been drinking a couple of times. Not drunk, just silly like he gets after a couple of drinks. He says he can have a drink or two now and then and he's fine with that. I guess I'm not supposed to say anything but I couldn't help myself. I told him I thought drinking at all was a bad idea but if he could keep it to a drink or two on occasion, I could live with that. I also told him that I will no longer tolerate living with a drunk-drinking every day, drunk by 9:00 a.m., etc. I was very calm when I told him what I had to say and I left it at that. Unfortunately I don't think he will be able to quit at a drink or two for long. Sure, maybe for a few weeks he can. Or maybe he can do it forever. But I'm not going to predict the future. A few months ago I was finally able to put the problem in my HP's hands and it gave me great peace and comfort. I'm going to leave the problem with my HP but feel like I still need to do something. (Oh yeah, it's that old control thing rearing it's ugly head again.) I'm thinking that I need to set some specific boundaries. But I'm not real sure what they should be or how to go about it. Any ESH would be greatly appreciated.
Boundaries can quickly become ultimatums so careful u have said u won't live with things the way they were which implies that if he goes back your going to do what ???? a friend always says If you can't leave accept it , if you cant accept it leave it . two choices- are you prepared to stay or go .. Boundaries are for me the way i am prepared to live ,the way I want to be treated they are all about me . In my experience telling an alcoholic my boundary is like waving a red flag in front of a bull ..he's gonna test it so be ready. Louise
Aloha Pineapple...the boundaries you make for yourself are the most important. You already have a lot of experience about what it is like living with a drunk and how cunning powerful and baffling the disease is. It's most cunning powerful and baffling if you try to put boundaries on it. It will win every time. Most honest alcoholis tell it like this...I will never be able to drink again ever, or insanity, institutions, prisons or death. The great love affair is between your alcoholic and alcohol...you don't count unless you make yourself count to you. Build boundaries for you, what you will and will not do when the disease attempts to take you. The disease cannot take you unless you participate in some manner soooo the answers to the questions, "What is it that I want for myself are most important."
I have followed you story since you came to MIP in Dec 09. The last sentence in your first post was "I am at my wits end and don't know what to do". Since then I have seen you struggle with the disease, work your program, read your literature, attend online meetings, throw a prying pan once when you had reached your wits end, seen your AH become sober only to lose his battle again to the disease. All the while living in Guatemala with no f2f meetings available. Not being alone only because of MIP and the ES&H you received from members who have given back to you what the program has give them. You have grown tremendously in the program with the resources that were available to you.
I reached a point in living with this disease where I wondered if I wanted to live the rest of our life with the junk that the disease threw at me. I personally have asked myself that question more than once. Life is short and this disease drains us of our will from time to time. I am sure it is a question I will ask myself again even as I continue to work the program.
The boundaries you decide put in force are for you, to protect you. Boundaries can be a fence (flexible) that can be adjustable, or can be a brick wall (strong and solid ) that you will allow no one to crawl over or tear down. HP would be the best person to consult regarding that decision. Between the two of you I feel confident the decision and boundaries you decide to put in force will come when you reach the decision that you know it best for you.
Keep taking care of yourself first, because you are a special lady.
Ermmmmmmm Boundaries I think they are things we should have in place to protect ourselves and our property to keep tresspassers out, now then I also think if we are approached properly we can come to a compromise for rights of way, like for instance, you can come into my garden to view the flowers but you mustn't step on the grass, then you have to think ok then, what If they look at my flowers and step on my grass, what am I going to do to keep my boundary? Well I am going to say, I'm ever so dissapointed that you didn't adear to my wishes please don't come into my garden anymore to view my flowers unless you are prepared to stay off my grass, lol Help what if they refuse? Come on Mip what would you do sesible answers only please!
Thank you for the replies and support. It's true that I've learned a lot and come a long way in the time since I first came here. But I still have so much to learn. This program has helped me to regain my sanity and find some serenity. I know that I can find some happiness for myself even if ah continues to drink. But is that what I want? I guess I've been spoiled by the few months he was sober. Sure, there were other problems instead of the drinking but even so, things were so much better. I'm afraid of going back to the ¨before¨ life again. My first instinct is to say NO WAY, I'm not going through that again. But what are the alternatives? Abby, you wrote ¨If you can't leave accept it, if you cant accept it leave it .¨ Well, I'm not sure I can accept it anymore. But I don't want to leave my home, and I don't think I should have to. I want to tell him that he cannot live here with me if he continues to drink. And if he does continue? OK, I tell him he's crossed the boundary and he has to leave. And if he refuses, then what? I love him and want to be with him. But I hate the way he is when he's drinking. I hate it enough that I think I would rather be without him. I think I would rather live alone than live with him drinking. I guess I have to give this all a lot more thought before I make any decisions.
