The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My ABF who I have left behind, 600 miles away, may possibly be showing signs that he is close to his bottom and in a round-about way, asking for help.
He says,"Things are getting worse for me up without you and I don't see them getting better, I only see things getting worse. I am getting worse without any help and I'm not sure what to do."
I have been reading alanon literature and have seen the recommendation of simply saying "there is help available" and then pointing them in a direction. My best friend's boyfriend, who lives on the opposite coast of the country, is an active AA sponser and has over 5 years sobriety. I thought I could offer his number to my ABF if & when the time is right.
What I am wondering (from anyone who may have been in this position) is:
What steps did you take in offering guidance/help for your A and when did you know it was the right time?
How did you achieve the delicate balance between offering support and not pushing them away from it?
What type of resources did you arm yourself with in order to prepare for the possibility of a breakthrough with your A?
What resources did you offer your A during a breakthrough or cry for help?
The best thing I can say is that your ABF knows AA exists. The most you could do is point out to him where he can find a local meeting schedule and leave it at that. It really is up to him to get himself over there... or not.
You just keep getting to your Al-Anon meetings and reading your literature. You are in NO WAY responsible for the outcome, or lack thereof, of your ABF's recovery if he chooses that route. Right now he wants to make you responsible for his situation. You are NOT responsible for his situation. He is.
Remember - if we all had that kind of power - the power to get our loved ones sober - then there wouldn't be a problem of alcoholism in this world.
I am new on here...but your story is familiar. It took 6 months after me leaving him for my ABF to hit bottom. He would call me up and tell me he wanted me and our daughter to come home. So I would ask him what he was doing to get himself better and there was never an answer. Shortly after Easter time was when it was getting really bad. He got in a fight at a bar with his best friend and a few weeks after that he called and told me he was looking into rehab. He was gonna wait til he got the money to afford being there for however long, well the day came when he knew he couldn't wait any longer and called me the morning he was on his way to the rehab facility. All I did was stand by and let him figure it out on his own, that was the only way it was going to happen. He had been to a few AA meetings before, but just wasn't ready. I helped him find a rehab center where he was, that's about the only involvement I had in it. He has now just celebrated his 90 days sober. Stay strong and keep coming back here.....
My experience is not the fabulous news one might hope for. My A gave many "possible cries for help." He would come to a realization that he was an alcoholic; he would get into trouble and have a crisis and ask for help; he would decide to go into rehab; he would ask for help going into rehab. He actually did go through rehab at one point, and joined AA a number of different times. This was all interspersed with denying that there had ever been any problem, with accusing me of railroading him, with ranting against people who "want to make having a good time seem like something wrong," etc. etc. It is now sixteen years later and he is still drinking. What I discovered is that I seized on each "cry for help" as "Whew! Finally we've turned the corner!" -- when really I think I only should have concluded we'd turned the corner after a year of sobriety. Actually, after having seen a close friend with 15 years' sobriety lapse into alcoholism again, I'm not sure I personally could ever rest easy that someone had turned the corner.
That said, many people do get and stay sober -- something like 25% of alcoholics, so that's a big number. The ones I've seen let nothing stop them. My guess is that the very best thing you can do is to take care of yourself and work on your own recovery. I hope my words haven't been too discouraging.
I agree with Aloha...it's his disease...not yours...he can only save himself...in his time ....not yours. Continue to focus on yourself.
I read all your questions. The answers to the four questions from my viewpoint would be.
1. Al-Anon 2. Al-Anon 3. Al-Anon 4. AA
I hope he makes the right choice for himself. He and his HP can work his problem out together. The important thing is for you to continue to take care of yourself. Your Al-Anon meetings and reading your literature is your ticket to finding the answers you need.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Friday 16th of July 2010 03:24:27 PM
((((Nalina)))) The feedback you have been given is full of experience and honesty. Yet you "want to know" how or what or why. The opposite for me was learning how to overcome my compulsion which was my alcoholic wife and left go and let God. I look at your post here as your "Cry for help" and hope you will follow thru on it. Get to your meetings, listen, learn and practice and leave him to your higher power.
I see so much value in what the fellowship has offered you here and hope that you take your focus off of him and carry on with your own recovery.
I am a past professional alcoholism/substance abuse counselor and would have taken the feedback you received here as the most supportive.
Like Mattie, I spent many years waiting for those cries for help, responding to them or watching others respond to them, hopes lifting and recovery did not happen for my xah. Between court ordered, work ordered, wife ordered and self chosen, I think including the current one the count is up to 7 or 8 now. When I heard words similar to "my life is getting worse without you" and "I am not sure what to do" it was an instant invite for me to feel needed, important again, and to either help find or take over the what to do part. In reality while my xah meant the words in some way and I had good intentions, it was also just another part of our combined addiction cycle.
After reaching my bottom and finding Alanon (which would be my answer for your first 3 questions) I came to realise I simply am not that powerful. Just as I am not powerful enough to stop or start his usage of any substance, I am also not powerful enough to make or break his recovery. My answer to question 4 may sound jaded but as I know my xah is perfectly capable of looking in the phonebook to find the number of a dealer, bar or liquor store ... is to say I've heard AA can work miracles the number is in the phone book.
I think.... we can offer "solutions or suggestions" to them, as long as we do our best to ensure that they aren't tied to expectations (from us).... You can offer - and he may or may not accept the information.... it never hurts to try - just attempt not to set yourself up for disappoinment from failed expectations... Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
