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I have that old sick feeling that I fight so hard to not have. Alcoholic son is suppose to work today but has been on a three day drunk during his time off. I have not talked to him but normally I give him a ride to and from work if his brother is not available. I have texted him and asked if he needed a ride and have not gotten a reply. The clock ticks and I just have the fear that he will lose yet another job. I know that there is nothing I can do - it is his choice but it is so hard to see your loved ones mess up their lives time after time. My stomach is all knotted up and have the pounding fear in my heart. God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
Oh....I know that feeling of fear pounding in your heart. Repeat to yourself over and over "let go and let God"...eventually you will if it is only for this one instance. I try to tell myself that maybe he needs to lose his job...get another dui or whatever is going on at the time for him to maybe see the light. I began telling myself when bad things happened to him that it was good because it was another step closer to him hitting bottom. If we fix their messes then we are one step further away from them hitting their bottom.
I hope you will fel relief soon. Let whatever happens...happen. It has nothing to do with you. It is his disease and he is the only one that can do something about it.
Thank you for your support. This is by far the hardest thing I have ever been up against. If he loses his job, he cannot pay his rent. He rents from his step-dad (my husband). I don't care about the money for the rent but his rent includes his utilities which are in our names. What do I do?
-- Edited by Greenvalleygal on Thursday 15th of July 2010 11:36:57 AM
Can you change the utilities from out of your names? Being entangled with the finances of an alcoholic is a recipe for stress, in my experience.
It is so hard to "let go and let God."
Of course, maybe nothing's wrong and maybe he's just not answering his texts. But either way, your serenity is priceless. Please take care of yourself!
He probably would not be able to get the deposits he would need to get them in his name. I guess I could turn them off if he does not pay them when they are due.
It sure is hard. Trying to work and having all this on my mind is also hard. Not knowing what is going on is driving me crazy. I know I have got to let go and let God. I have offered my help and if he chooses to not accept it, there is really nothing I can do. Thanks for listening to me. And thanks for the support.
That's your magic pill an is available free of charge. Turning our alcoholics over to our Higher Power is a proven and tested solution that will free you of all the stress, worry, obsessing, enabling, that comes with this disease.
Ask yourself has anything you've done up to this point made any changes in your A? Everything you have tried or will try has already been tried hundreds of thousands of times and they all achieved the same result..........we can continue trying and fail or we can turn our A over to a power much greater than ourselves.........the proven and tested solution.
Accepting that we are powerless over alcohol and our lives have become unmanageable is the first step in the program. You may not have accepted "yet" that you are powerless over this disease. That was a hard one for me to accept, but after years of getting knocked down, beat up, and torn up...........in mind, body, and spirit I finally gave up and gave in and turned my AW over to my HP 100%, and then got completely out of his way. HP didn't work his miracles overnight, but the problems the disease caused in my life didn't happen overnight either. I haven't taken my AW back from my Higher Power one single time during the last 18 months since I make that life changing decision. My AW is in much better hands and guess what? My life is not unmanageable anymore. I realized is none of my business or concern how the two on them are handling her problems. Now I have time to take care of myself first, which is what HP wanted me to do all along.
The magic pill I referred to at the beginning of my response is not only free....it also frees you of the junk and clutter that this disease throws at you and a daily or hourly basic. Sometime when we continue to feed their addiction, the part we call "trying" to help them, we can love them to death.........literally. I have done many things in the name of love.....only to look back later and see that I was doing much more harm that good for my AW.
Give HP a chance, and give him time. You can not turn your A over to HP in the morning and take your A back from HP at lunch and expect the problem to be corrected......that won't work.....I tried that to many times. HP will handle it in his time not in our time, but HP will get it right.........cause HP doesn't make any mistakes. All HP needs is an opportunity..........and that's a choice only you can make.
HUGS, RLC
-- Edited by RLC on Thursday 15th of July 2010 02:09:40 PM
Hello and welcome , I am assuming that your not attending f2f meetings for yourself , I hope u consider finding one in your area u need support from people who understand . There is nothing you can do about the choices your son is making . Until we stop doing for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will change as long as we continue to enable we are actually helping them drink and when someone told me that along time ago it really made me angry. So I started to take a good look at my own behavior and when i made the changes that were suggested in this program my life got easier .. Love him but let him Go . Louise
I have not been able to make a f2f meeting. Have printed the schedule in my area and hope to make one real soon. We we turn our A loved one over to our HP, is it still okay for me to give him a ride to and from work if he asks and I am available. I was really feeling helpless this morning but all your comments do make perfect sense to me. Just have to learn to give it over. Thanks to all of you.
There are no "rules" per se, as to what constitutes "enabling" and what does not.... the best definition I have seen is that enabling is: "doing something for an alcoholic/addict that they could do themselves, to your detriment".... (or something like that).
If he can't drive or find other reasonable means of transportation (bus, ride from co-worker, etc), then I don't see why not..... now putting your life on hold, to do such things for him all the time - that might be pushing it....
Al-Anon is a gentle program, with helpful suggestions of what might work, and what might be best in the long run for your A and for you..... it almost never "shoulds" you, nor should we....
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I know it's hard to detach with love, and let HP do their thing for your son. None of us can tell you what's ok or not. I did hear a general rule of thumb being, don't do for the alcoholic what they can and should do for themselves. So in one sense, your son should be able to drive himself to work. But if he has lost his license or does not have a car, is public transport an option? If not, maybe it's ok to drive him to work, but not to a bar Maybe it's up to your son to ask you, rather than you checking in on him, which may be your way of trying to get him to hold on to his job. Wherever you draw the line, it's your line. Ask yourself, what is your motive, am I trying to prevent a consequence for my son? If so, you might think again.
I struggled a lot with the line. Sometimes I got it wrong, sometimes I got it right. I felt better about it after attending alanon meetings and reading a lot of literature.
I cannot express the gratitude I have for all your help with a new attitude. I changed my direction of prayer last night and woke up feeling so much better today. Read a lot of post throughout this site and I really know what I have to do --- or not do. Losing his job again may be the right direction for him to get the help he needs. He was sent home from work last night. He texted me and told me he had a ride home at his quitting time. I knew something was not right so I walked next door and sure enough ... he was sitting drunk on the couch. Told me to get out and the lights finally came on for me! I left and that was it. Thanks again ... I can do this.
He texted me and told me he had lost his job and wanted to go back to Rehab. In the past... the old me would have jumped up and down and made phone calls for him to get him in. This time I said "That's nice" and that was it. If he wants it, he knows where to go get back in.
Great, Your son and HP will work it out much better anyway. Now you go do something special for yourself today. Just one special something. You will be surprised how good it will make you feel........that's and order. LOL. Your so deserve it.
I'm proud of you, but you should be more proud of yourself.
Going to go to some friends farm and relax this evening. My husband and I are beekeepers and are extracting honey in the morning.Thanks again for everyone's support.
Still holding my ground. He texted me again yesterday and told me he had not called about Rehab that his was embarrassed by the life he was living and asked me to please help him. I responded that it was just that .. his life .. and if he wants help, he has to go get it. Boy -- my HP is really helping me out!
Maybe it's up to your son to ask you, rather than you checking in on him, which may be your way of trying to get him to hold on to his job. Wherever you draw the line, it's your line. Ask yourself, what is your motive, am I trying to prevent a consequence for my son? If so, you might think again. 
clap