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New here. I want to say "I'm done." Over and done with the A's in my family. Does anybody ever just want to leave their AH/W?? Why not??? Why do we have to be the ones who bend over backward to stay sane when they make us crazy! The DUI's, the wrecked finances resulting in bankruptcy (and I'm late 50's!). The son in prison for gun violence during an alcohol blackout, the same son in countless rehab and juvie when younger for burglary. The shit these people put us through. And we have to be forgiving? Why????
Today my AH (sober 3 months after being in AA for countless years) passed out when he was working on our trailer, from the glue he was using....this happens all the time. He never remembers from the day before. I swear I'm going to film him someday...
I've been married to him for 10 years. I saw the writing on the wall, ignoring once again, those tell-tale signs. Every frigging man I've ever dated or been with has a drinking prob, or drugs. My 35 yr old son who sits in prison is the same. My mother, father, sister's husband and kids, grandparents...they all have been or are A's. The pomises, promises, the AA meetings that never last. The hypocritical and manipulative behavior I see in my AH, my Son, others. I'm sick to death of them.
So I guess the problem is me (?). I've made bad choices, I'm still making them at 57 years old! problem is I have nowhere to go, no job to go to, I'm living in a foreign country, and my AH has bankrupted us for a million and a half through his "creative" real estate ventures. I'm tired, I'm depressed, I'm alone, I'm estranged from my family because I don't like them...I feel like I have to stay and just get through this horror film I live in.
He's an intellectual...he knows how to "speak" AA as if he was Bill W. reincarnated. He thinks he knows everything about AA. He loves to use his psychobabble on me. If I start to have a conversation about something that is on my mind, no matter how tactful and kind, he will say I'm "kitchen sinking" . Arrrrggghhh....
I have been asking myself that question so much lately. I think I have it figured out for my situation. It used to be that I stayed b/c I was scared of raising our kids alone. I am no longer scared of that. Then I stayed b/c I didn't want to take a father from his kids, b/c he does loves them even though he has never been very dependable. This one still gets to me. Now I know exactly why I stay. I am TERRIFIED of who he will couple up with...during our separation he was getting awfully cozy with a member of his AA group...a lady who was (previously) addicted to pills. If we separate or divorce, he will eventually pair up with someone else and this person is very likely to be from AA. Even if I got custody (which I am very likely to get), eventually I would be sending my kids to a home with a (recovering?) alcoholic and a (recovering?) addict. The only way I can maintain control of my children's safety is by being there every night for them. I can't control who he sees, marries, etc., in the future and I fear this puts my kids at risk. (I know, I know, ANYONE can be dangerous for my kids and there are many decent, good people attending AA...but it's only common sense that a situation like that has more potential for alcohol abuse and/or addiction). Anyways, THAT is why I stay. I am not proud of the fact and it's actually embarrassing to admit.
first of all I would like to welcome you to MIP. You are not alone anymore. Everyone is great on here. I cling to this site a lot. This place is a big part of my life.
What stood out to me reading your post was that you live in a foreign country. I do too. All of my family is where I'm from. I know it would be much easier to have them around.
I'm very close to being at the end of my rope with my abfsober without a program. I don't have everything figured out but that's ok. I made it through today and we'll see how tomorrow goes.
I have bent over backwards for many years as well and it never got me anywhere. I'm done being the nice person, doing everything, and then some.
The promises and AA meetings that never last. That sentence also jumped out at me. So true. I don't believe in promises anymore and I try my best not to have expectations but it's hard because we are human but I'm working on that tru alanon.
I keep telling myself lately, actions not words. There have been many words.
Same here with trying to have conversations, they are pointless. Does not matter how calm and nice I am. I don't engage in arguments anymore but trying to talk gets me nothing in return. Really, I don't bother telling him things that I have told him before. I don't bother trying to talk about something that I know he already knows about it. It's pointless.
Guess we all stay or leave for different reasons. Right now, I'm here because this is my home too and I have done too much to leave it all behind.
Alanon will teach you how to take care of yourself. Good to have you here.
Well, we don't all stay -- some people conclude that their healthiest choice is to part company with their alcoholics. So it isn't that we have to live with the chaos. Some people decide that staying is what they want to do, and that they can achieve serenity while still in the relationship. Some people are afraid to leave. Some people are addicted to their alcoholic and find it as hard to leave as the A does to give up alcohol. It can take a lot of time, thought, and learning to decide what is best. I know that I make my best choices when I feel I have real options. So deciding how you would support yourself on your own (what if your husband were run over by a bus? or ran off to Brazil with a dancer? etc. -- you would find a way to live your life) will allow you to make choices out of your best interest, not because you feel trapped. Above all, learn all you can and keep coming back.
Thanks all of you who responded to my ranting. The fear factor is definitely at work as far as leaving. I've begun "anew" so many times I can't count. I've wasted my life with men who have come to disappoint me. I don't trust my judgements. I seem to fail at relationships (including my own sons). I'm not good at the man thing, but I love being in a relationship I am not an enabler. I threaten everytime he's off the wagon that I'll leave "if this happens one more time". Then I find I am tired. I don't want to fight anymore. I want to love and realize that we are all human, that the AH is human. We all need each other in some way. And I'm no angel ... but I"m really no bitch either.
Would I feel better knowing he was living on the streets...this 58 yr. old guy who looks like Jeff Bridges in Crazy Horse??? Some days I just want to run away, to leave this foreign country that I now call home. I secretly hope that he will actually find someone else. If he did, then I'd be sad but then maybe I'd be grateful in the long run. He's got a lot of wonderful qualities...why can't I just look at those instead of the A-monster?
Looking for Peace - don't lots of women stay in marriages because of that same fear? And as we age, if we don't have the wherewithal, energy, money to go it alone, what else can we do???
Buick - I sometimes ask if he's going to a meeting because I think he should and maybe he forgot. Guess I am an enabler. There are meetings 3 days a week in this area, English speaking. He only goes if he knows someone else is going ... that he likes. Oh, and I have a lot to learn about not bringing the same thing up all the time...never gets anywhere.
Mattie - I am hoping to achieve serenity while in this relationship..but I'm weak. I don't seem to know how to go about living my own life in a relationship that is dominated by my AH moods. I really liked what you said about how some people are addicted to their A and find it hard to leave as much as the A does to give up alcohol. I don't want that "sick" kind of love...which I think that is what it is...
So guess I'll learn all I can as you all say and keep coming back.....thanks and warm hugs...
Hello sunny , a long time ago I found a one linner that changed my perspective .like you I was not prepared to move or leave my husb and I heard this little line .. BLOOM WHERE YOUR PLANTED . if u cant leave get happy right where your are ..what a concept !!! you mention AA is there an Al-Anon group where u are , if so please go ,do it for yourself in our opening at meetings it says \it is possible to find happiness whether the alcoholic is still drinking or not , hard to believe but its true. keep the focus on your own needs for a change and your life will get easier ..attitude is everything and \i don't mean his . you can become the emotional baromater for your home and not be a slave to his rants and raving . come to the chat room for meetings find a f2f if there is one , read the literature and it will change , it only takes one person to change and if we want change we have to become willing to create it And if your thinking why do I have to change ?? because this is your life were talking about not his ..we cannot afford to wait for them to see the light . good luck
Welcome to MIP, sounds like you have been thru it, I was exhausted just listening to your experiences.
Im just wondering if you have given enough time thru out all your experiences with the A's to Alanon and the program. Nowhere in the program does it say we have to be put thru all that youve gone thru and no where does it say we have to be forgiving.
The program and life for that matter is about us and building boundaries and sticking to them, for our own sanity. Its up to us and what we want . Whatever the alcoholics chose or not chose to do with their disease and their life is out of our hands.
We have no power over anyone but ourselves. Please keep coming back and try to go to face to face alanon meetings which will develop a strong sense of self.
We all stay or go for our own reasons and when we are ready. Fear seems to always be the driving factor for me - even though it may be masked as anger or other things. Lack of confidence also plays a big part. I agree with Abbyal - "Bloom where you are planted." With this outlook I can focus on the positive things, the gifts in my life. I can learn to grow and be happy where I am regardless of the situation. Once this process starts, staying or leaving becomes and easier decision to make. Once happiness and serenity become a more regular part of my life the drama becomes more painful and intolerable.
Also, having the support of the fellowship is wonderful. Others who understand and are striving for the same thing. It helps to move forward and find happiness when someone else is there holding your hand . . . even if it is through the virtual family of MIP. A group of folks that when you get angry, frustrated and want to kick the dog (or your A ) can come back and say "We totally get it. Here is what we did."
We are glad you are here. We understand. Please keep coming back.
Tricia
__________________
To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
I'm with a man I don't live with, I have a great job, my own home, lots of friends and a wonderful family and I still cannot leave my recoverying ABF.
There are times its too good to leave and too bad to stay. He doesn't drink anymore, but can be a mean and emotionally abusive jerk.
I've left him a few times only to return. I want to leave, I really do, but fear keeps me stuck. For me, it's the fear of going through that break-up pain. My ex of 15 yrs left me for another women many years back and then another ex I was with for 3 yrs cheated on me. The pain of both was unbearable. When I left my current BF, I felt that same pain and just took him back as to not feel the pain, Like Looking For Peace says above, I worry as well he will meet someone since the times I did leave, he hooked up in DAYS with someone. And I also knew he was into someone at AA It's actually pretty funny how people in AA are always hooking up
At this point, I realize I cannot control it and like you almost hope he finds someone because that will get me out of here.
My therapist told me I'll leave when the pain of staying is worse than leaving. I like the saying "Grow where you're planted" but not sure I'm growing here, more like wilting.
Dyinginside: I've been doing some thinking about this stuff lately. I think about women (and men) who just can't leave their significant other due to health reasons or relying on the income because there's no other financial option. It doesn't help when there's depression either. My AH is very caring and supportive whenever I go through my spurts of depression and family woes. He takes over everything from cleaning and cooking to taking care of the dogs and shopping. So when he does do the dry-drunk deal I have to remember those other times and it does help. Because sometimes I'm not so great either.
I have to hand it to him for being in recovery at least...he's going to meetings. He always feels better when he does. I have worried sometimes if he has met a female A at a meeting. Once there was one woman (we live in a small village so there's no way you can't know what everyone is up to) who was going to the meetings. I kept hearing about her...Allison I'll say her name is, but that's not it really...and one time I asked him about her. I had heard she was blonde and slim and here by herself. I felt a bit jealous, which was just something I didn't want to feel. But I did. Then I met her and I saw she was a very nice person and poor thing was anorexic. She was having a host of problems. This didn't make me feel better (mind you), but I saw that she relied on the AA meetings so much and she told my husband once that AA has saved her. If my husband did meet someone I would of course be very hurt, but then I have to remember that there is no guarantee of our expectations. What if I met someone? Then how would that be? Not that I want to. I'm so tired of the reality of relationships, actually, and I do have a pretty good guy even though we're screwed career wise for now.
In the meantime, I have sort of decided that if there should be a demise of our marriage then I would never ever marry again. I have too many other interests to be devoting my life to another, as selfish as that seems. I try to take things "one day at a time". I'm not getting upset as much since reading the board. I haven't been to an online meeting yet...well, once, but I guess I needed to say something in order to be in the meeting as I was booted off...and not kindly either. So I will stick to the message board rather than get in trouble at the online meetings...
Take care and I hope this sort of helped. It is weird being so candid to "strangers" but then we can be thankful to be in an anonymous group where we are safe to share.
you can become the emotional baromater for your home and not be a slave to his rants and raving . come to the chat room for meetings find a f2f if there is one , read the literature and it will change , it only takes one person to change and if we want change we have to become willing to create it 
) can come back and say "We totally get it. Here is what we did."