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The last few days have been bad. I have tried to detach. Tried not to get wrapped up in his world. I think I do pretty good considering.
My dad used to drink a lot but I don't remember him being at all like my AH.
We were in couples counselling together this morning. Basically he rants. He is convinced that every word I say is to get at him, to make him out to be wrong....it sounds as if he thinks I am the devil. His eyes go strange as does his face (it scares me actually) and he doesn't hear anything. He just rants and he talks faster and faster and hardly stops to breathe. All of it is his mind reading and assumptions. Most of what starts him off are tiny little things that I would take with a grain of salt. He blows them up and then obsesses and festers for days and days. No idea how much he is drinking. I refuse to look. He drinks after work. A functioning alcoholic. It does affect his work but as nobody actually watches over him daily, they don't see that. He used to smoke pot before I met him. I hear it can hold the mental age at the same age they began to use. Not sure if that is true but...... As I mentioned in my intro a few days ago...he doesn't think he has a drinking problem. I am the only one who has a problem with it. We believe that NOT at all eh?
Today I really broke down in counselling. So much so that our counsellor began to cry too. I could tell that AH's ranting was having an affect on her too. She has been to Al-Anon herself so you know that she has history of this.
Sometimes I feel like I am going mad. I guess I am not around enough people on a daily basis to realise that how he talks AT me and AT other people is not "normal". I feel it is part of his way of controlling people or at least trying to control something. He does this with others too. They can barely get a word in. Then you can see them begin to step backwards. Then don't disagree with him....they don't actually agree either. They just want to get the hell out of there LOL. I would too but I am married to him. So I deal with it as best I can. When I get to counselling and hear the detached counsellor talk, I realise I am not mad. I do react at times and I know I shouldn't. I am learning. It is a slow process but I can see some changes within myself already. My anger and all the other things are still too strong and I need to work on those.
Thank you for reading. Thank you for letting me pour that out.
I am not sure if this ranting is common for A's or not. I am pretty sure the paranoia probably is. I know the blaming the partners for everything is common.
Again thank you for being here.
J
__________________
Jackie
You never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only option you have left!
So just keep your head up and keep moving forward.
Aloha Jackie...It's common...Alcoholism is a disease of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. So you're watching it blossom right in front of you. Since it affects the emotions the paranoia is common. Sounds like he's more than just afraid...he's in terror. Your marriage certificate is not a slavery unto death document. It doesn't take your ability to rationally make sound life saving decisions for you and your son. If the problem has already a history of using a protective order and he hasn't done anything about his addiction the situation can and will progress (progressive disease) into totally unacceptable and life threatening. Your mind, emotions, physical self and you spirit are being threatened. Under these conditions as a counselor I use to threaten the alcoholic with incarceration if I felt anyone in the family would be harmed. Guild and shame may be holding your feet to the fire. Get more feedback from others on how they see or have experienced the problem as you have mentioned it here and focus on the solution.
Hello J , well u sure rang a few bells with me sounds just like my husb used to be - I came to understand that he hollered and ranted because he wanted the focus off himself , no one else was allowed an opinion . and he had to be right . I was able to finally find the courage to say if you don't lower your voice and talk to me respectfully I am leaving the room *first boundary * he laughed and continued to holler I left the room and it was over ,it took him about 3 weeks to realize u cant argue with no one else in the room and the hollering stoped . it was easy for me to do that because there was no physical violence in my home so it was safe for me to turn my back and leave. If you have our daily reader the ODAT go to the page on July 14th do what it says to the best of your ability and your life will get easier .that page was like a map to me on how to get my life back especially the line DON'T ASSAGE HIS GUILT BY ARGUING WITH HIM- that was a real eye opener for me . what matters is how his behavior affects your life , him admitting he has a problem well that may take a little longer hehe. Until he says that what he's doing is causing him a problem ,it isn't it 's causing you a problem. I hope u are going to meetings f2f for yourself u need support and will find what u need in Al-Anon rooms . good luck Louise
((((North)))) I identify so much with what you are going through. I was soooo glad to see you at the online meeting last night. You will hear all kinds of stories at the meetings, whether f2f or online. Some stories seem far worse situations than the ones we must currently endure. Some seem far less of a test of the spirit than we currently endure. But the stories seem to weave a kind of comforting blanket that covers us and lets us know we are NOT alone, we are NOT stupid, we are NOT selfish, we are NOT fat-ass whores or any of the insults they hurl at us. And the ones that have managed to come through that tunnel of darkness have such marvelous stories of Victory that it gives me hope that I can do the same. And it gives me an internal strength that I can call on when I need it. And it takes great strength to endure it, I know. I endure it a little more lightheartedly lately, because I've got the secret and it is this al-anon program.
My AH also flips out over things I wouldn't give a second thought about, something I say, something he imagines is a judgment of his almighty intelligence, pride and/or ego. Things that seem so trivial they aren't worth mentioning, but they are important to him for some unfathomable reason. Amazingly, even after 20 years of this nonsense, it always catches me off guard. Everything might be moving along fine and then all of a sudden, "BAM," he's mad about something . . . extremely mad about something.
To him, I guess I shouldn't have an opinion about anything that disagrees with his opinion . . . "what am I, stupid," he likes to say . . . and I struggle between controlling and boundaries and my right to say how I feel about any given situtation. And I DO have a right to an opinion, no matter what he thinks or how he acts out with his foolishness that he attempts to control me with. It seems to me that he thinks if he screams loud enough, I will be too afraid to counter him and this is how he trys to control me. I'm not buying it. Scream on, I'm not listening because I've left the room. This behavior on my part is new to him. I'm not sure what he thinks about it, but I am sure he sees a difference in me. And that's what's important, the difference in ME, ME, ME, ME, ME! Once I got that concept, a million pounds lifted off my shoulders.
I hope you are able to come to the meeting tonight and we will see you there. I am always thinking of you and praying for you and wishing you the best as you journey through YOUR recovery. Feel free to private message me anytime you want to talk. And I mean that sincerely.
Love, JennyP
North, I feel like we have a special bond. I think that because you and I appear to be about in the same place, both with our A's and our programs. My heart cries to hear your story because it is the same story we all have
My personal opinion is that "couples counselling", while the A is active, is an absolute exercise of futility.... As with most couples struggling - the alcoholism may not be the ONLY issue with you two, but it is more than like the MAIN issue. Trying to do counselling, while not really being able to address this issue - I dunno.... it certainly didn't work for me.... and I don't know that I have heard many success stories where it has worked for others.... Active alcoholics don't just manipulate their spouses - they attempt the same with everyone, counsellors included...
Just my two cents T
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I'm glad for you that you found this board. I also see that you attended a meeting (read your bio).
I can relate to your situation. You are not going mad; however, you might feel like it because you might be trying to make sense out of his behaviors. I felt crazy for many years, because I didn't want to admit that he was sick.
Like Tom, I didn't have any success going to couple's therapy. I think it was around the second or third session when my husband stopped going. The psychologist tried to address his alcohol abuse and my husband wanted nothing to do with therapy after that. He told the pysch that I had the problem, so fix me.
In retrospect, had I known then what I know now, I would have gone to meetings in conjunction with individual therapy. Why? Because before a couple can work ontheir issues together, the drinking spouse has to address his or her addiction first. I would mention that to my then AH and he would explode. "Oh, it's all my fault.... you always throw it on me!!!!!!!!" He'd rant all the time.
The only way I put a stop to feeling crazy was to start focusing on what I could do for me and let him deal with himself. It takes a while to get the hang of it; however, it is feasible.
Keep posting & going to meetings!! Take good care, Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Yes, I am a little surprised the counselor will take this on -- does she not know he's an alcoholic? Counselors have always told me that they won't take on an alcoholic unless he's in a treatment program as well. Otherwise it's just an exercise in futility and ranting. Very frustrating! I hope you can find a way to take good care of yourself! It's so stressful!
I have to say that I totally agree - it seems futile to me these days. We started counselling when he came back after I had forced him out of the home in May 08. I was dumb enough to think that the protection order and break for us might have had an effect on his mind. It wasn't until this past few months that I realised just how much alcohol plays a part in his behaviour. He told me and the counsellor that he had stopped. Then I went to get in my van one day and noticed a wine box hidden (not well hidden of course) behind his truck wheel. He hadn't expected me to be leaving the house. And even though he admitted the counsellor shook his hand and congratulated him for not drinking when he had already begun again, she still hasn't really put much emphasis on the booze. We see her again tomorrow afternoon and I am going to ask her about this. Counselling is the only place that I feel safe voicing how I feel. It is also the only time when he is forced to be quiet while I am speaking. Mind you, he doesn't "hear" a word. I am sure as soon as I can get to the Al-Anon f2f meeting again, will find a better safe place. I suppose I just see it as a place to get some validation for my own concerns.
He really seems to pull the "pity me" thing with the counsellor. Sometimes I think she falls for his lines and then she gives me a look that tells me "Hang in there Jackie!". She has been to Al-Anon too.
Jackie
__________________
Jackie
You never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only option you have left!
So just keep your head up and keep moving forward.
Thank you all for the responses. It is greatly appreciated.
I did type a longer email. My son spilt Orange Crush on my keyboard this morning. I thought I might have salvaged it. Then around 2pm, it died. Right in the middle of my response.
It is sad to hear that others have been through this madness and are going through this. But reading your replies gives me strength.
Just hearing how he reacted to my son destroying my keyboard makes me see how crazy his mind is. Ok so it wasn't fun to loose a hard to find (in this town) ergonomic keyboard. But I do have an old one and my son is sorry and promises not to bring a drink into my office again. Ranting about threatening to take my son savings away and going on and on about the Orange Crush is madness. And I didn't do what I used to do - I stopped myself getting involved in the insanity and just left the room. I have to be strong and put things in the perspective that I used to know so clearly before I spent 14 years living this craziness.
Thank you all again. I hope to come here daily and share and listen.
Jackie
__________________
Jackie
You never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only option you have left!
So just keep your head up and keep moving forward.
sounds just like my husb used to be - I came to understand that he hollered and ranted because he wanted the focus off himself , no one else was allowed an opinion . and he had to be right . I was able to finally find the courage to say if you don't lower your voice and talk to me respectfully I am leaving the room *first boundary * he laughed and continued to holler I left the room and it was over ,it took him about 3 weeks to realize u cant argue with no one else in the room and the hollering stoped . it was easy for me to do that because there was no physical violence in my home so it was safe for me to turn my back and leave.