The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
my husband has been sober about 100 days. that's the good news. bad news, he hasn't broken the lying habit.
case in point: after he returned from rehab we were in the car, I opened the glove box to look for something and found a bottle of herbs for male enhancement. not like Viagra, but something you take daily as a supplement. I do understand that many alcoholics have bedroom problems. but, he doesn't understand that by hiding that from me its just like when he hid liquor in the car and deceived me.
while cleaning the bathroom the other day I noticed the bottle was almost half empty. I knew he was taking them but when I asked how many he took he quickly said "3". there had to be 30 gone from that bottle. just one more lie.
I told him if we ever have a chance together ( been married 32 years) that honesty is a big deal to me. been scammed enough in the past over the drinking. he is hurt that I asked if he was cheating . then why hide that in the car? He claims embarrassment over the situation, men don't like to discuss that, yada yada. get over it. his track record of lies makes me skeptical
yes I do go to alanon but no amount of meetings will help me handle these lies. just be honest!
The drinking is just a symptom of the disease. You can take the drink away, but you can't take away the thinking. Only through their will and effort and working their program will the alcoholic change their thinking and behaviors. It takes time if they're honestly working their program to change their behaviors.
I have to look at myself and how long it takes ME to change my own behaviors. And it is a lot of hard work. It's not going to change overnight. I have 30-some-odd years of learned behaviors in dealing with life's challenges - many of them improper behaviors. I figure if I'm lucky, it'll take me 30 more years to completely change and have a whole new set of healthy behaviors that I work with instead.
The duck analogy holds true with the lying that so proliferates the alcoholic's lifestyle. If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quacks like a duck... it's a duck.
Aloha is so right. A person who is an addict is wired different from someone who is not.
That is what makes a "program of recovery" or a "map" of the goals the addict chooses to change so very important.
Example might be they have been using for so long, they have not gone through grief in a way that they heal from.
They have NO idea how to. They are immature in so many ways as they don't go through life learning anything. It is the challenges of life, the hard times that we grow in, we learn we can do it, we can be ok.
An A, dulls it,drinks it away, heroin it away etc.
They may not have any idea what a budget is, or that you can really lose a home. They have never learned.
As far as lieing one reason might be they have no confidence that they won't get into "trouble" for their actions. Remember if they started using at 13 or 15 etc. That is the age of maturity they are when they stop using.
18 year olds have NO concept of something really happening to them or those they love. That is what makes them so maluable to go into the service.
They may say it think it, but they do not believe it.
An A who has used for many years, many years, think of all the grief, depression, loss, challenges, problem solving etc they have missed.
We fall off a bike, what we do is get back on. An A goes and gets a beer.
NOT speaking against them. It is the disease.
If they get sober, clean up, decide what they want to chage, goals, this is a HUGE part of recovery.
I can only use what I know and that is my ex AH that I used to love very much.
His program included honesty, it included being a better person, helping others, sharing, talking more, going to meetings, he did I think 87 meetings in 90 days.
He started working his own business, learned to put money away. Paid rent at his brothers, began being a grown man. Then he was ready to see a woman. Been 2 years on recovery.
He showed up at my door. He knew how to woo a woman appropriately now. He worked hard, bought me a beautiful ring, bought a work van. Still going to AA. Began learning more about his hp. Every morn he took time to talk to his hp with his coffee. He built himself a nice porch to sit in. Made his own work shop.
He learned how to be the best husband a woman could want. I am not kidding. Hey we had "normal" fights. NOthing awful either, we never were mad, just scrapping like friends. We had been friends over 20 years before.
So anyway hon it is so way much more than just not drinking or whatever. I wish I had known about Al Anon then. Becuz when he relapsed I had NO clue as to the Horror that was coming.
I was able to go to a few face to face meetings. But my disability made it impossible.
So I immersed myself here at MIP. Was in the chat room allll the time. That room with the people in it saved my life and sanity. The meetings here were soooo great. Then I came to the Message board and learn even more. Still do!
Met my best friend here. We have been talking, emailing and texting for many many years!
MIp is a great place, the people in it are infinitely valuable.
Your husband has taken one step, a HUGE one choosing to not use, I hope he chooses the next one and walks into an AA meeting and cont. to.
he does go to AA and has not missed a day since he got out of rehab in April. ( except for a business trip to China, where he was there were no meetings in English). maybe some day the lies will stop
I am new to MIP and Al-Anon but I hear you loud and clear.
It is the lies that bother me the most. Lies about silly, and what I feel are not very important things. I often say "if only he would be truthful and also say what he really means". But I can't make him. He has to take that responsibility on-board himself and he is not even at the point where he thinks alcohol is an issue so I can't see him working on much right now. I can only deal with my side of this.
Thank you for sharing as it helped me today. And it was a horrific morning in marriage counselling with him. Even our counselling began to tear up at one point.
HUGS to you.
J
__________________
Jackie
You never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only option you have left!
So just keep your head up and keep moving forward.
100 days sober.... good for him. Remember this is a lifelong diease and a lifelong recovery process. Just being sober doesn't mean he sill stop exibiting the syptoms of an A If he is going to meetings AWESOME he will learn new ways of coping and his behavior will start to change if he is just dry his personality won't change much. But none of us changes behavior over night It takes time and willingness Keep going to meetings for yourself. You are the only one you can change Blessings
