The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Its been a while since last time I wrote anything here. I have described earlier how I entered Al-Anon in a desperate attempt at first to save a relationship with my ex-girlfriend who is an alcoholic in recovery. My reasons for staying in Al-Anon turned out to be very different as I started to realize that I could only look at my own behaviour and thoughts. I could change something. I could change myself.
I am Norwegian and study marine biology in England. The reason for moving to England was to be closer to my then girlfriend, that I loved more than any other person in my life (unfortunately including myself).
I entered Al-Anon in England, where it is relatively easy to attend face to face meetings. For nearly two months I got in about two f2f meetings a week, while the distance between me and my ex-girlfriend seemed bigger and bigger. She started doing step work with her AA sponsor and was advised to not have any contact with me.
Despite the fact that we did not have much contact I started to feel better. I did several things that were important to me that had nothing to do with her. This was during my exam period at my university and I managed to get things done, although it was an emotionally challenging period for me. Much of the key was to repeat the serenity prayer, write fear, gratitude and did well lists before I went to bed and read in my courage to change book every morning. Al-Anon meetings, and this forum helped me to stay on that path where progress was possible and my higher power was present. On top of this I was lucky enough to have an Al-Anon friendly counsellor that I trusted.
Although my ex-girlfriend said she could not have contact with me we both broke that rule several times. At first it was me, contacting her from time to time, when I felt the panic of loosing her. Every time I did this, the emotional costs were very high. I think that was the case for both of us. After a while, I learned to stop myself by changing focus before the panic was too much to handle. From then I did not contact my ex-girlfriend anymore, but she contacted me when she was in a panic or because she missed me. At this time, it was clear that she got more emotionally challenged than I did.
Since I had contact with her from time to time, I had to hear some things I whish I didnt know. First of all, there were the reasons for why we could not continue to be in a relationship. Second that she had a crush on a new guy. A guy she met in NA that is much older than me and does not sound good for her at all. But I stayed strong and did not tell her what I thought she should do. I knew I could not control her. If anything, it could only make things worse. Last time I spoke to her she had started to look into literature on another addiction. This is love and sex addiction. She has always had a problem with ending up with guys that are no good for her (her words). And she still said, even the last time I spoke to her, that I was an exception. This is also something I find frustrating to hear. Its kind of contradicting since she broke up with me.
She have all the time said that she whish that we can be friends in the future and said she wanted us to have contact after she had gone through the steps. If she has done the steps as she planned, she will be finished after next weekend. Im starting to believe that it is destructive for me to know this. I am very determined not to contact her myself. If I dont hear from her there is probably a good explanation for it. And most likely it is one that has a great potential of hurting me. The problem is that I will be waiting. I have already started thinking more and more about this. I try to stay focused on the programme, but find it very hard to feel calm.
I finished the second year of my studies and travelled back to Norway about one and a half week ago. Im going to stay here for three months, and this scare me. My last f2f meeting was three weeks ago and I also finished my counselling at the same time. I am very glad that I can use this forum and attend online Al-Anon meetings as it is very hard for me to get to a meeting in Norway.
I know there is one I can get to on Mondays if I get a lift from someone. It is a meeting for adult children of alcoholics, and I dont know if it is for me or not. Its so frustrating that I cannot find any e-mail address or phone-number. All I know is the place and time of the meetings. Another thing that scares me is that I find it so much harder to speak about my emotions using my own language. Norwegians can really learn something from Americans here. The 12 step program is not known and if we here AA mentioned, we get scared. I had an idea about what AA was before I met my ex-girlfriend. I could not have been further away from the reality. I had never heard about the 12 steps or Al-Anon
Coming home again has been hard in so many ways. I live with my parents while Im home, and have to help them move from our old house. I am currently working on throwing away about 2/3 of all the things I have ever owned. It is needed as I have collected way too much, but I find it hard. That house has always been some kind of a home base, somewhere safe to return to no matter where I am.
Maybe my biggest problem or the headline of all my problems is co-dependency. I can see so clearly where I got it from when I see the relationship between my parents. They can hardly breathe without each other. Its like they function partially like one unit instead of two. I would not call my parents alcoholics, although their drinking can get out of control sometimes during the weekends. I have told them about what I have learned about myself in Al-Anon and they are both very happy for me. My mum say that she recognize herself in me, whilst my dad say that he have tried to teach me the things I have learned through Al-Anon himself in the past, but that I would not listen. I am however careful not to point at them. I cannot change them any more than I can change my ex-girlfriend, and blaming them for how I am would me completely pointless.
This post turned out to be a bit longer than I expected. Its been a long time since I have shared and it always feels good to let it out. I am very happy for this forum and the online meetings. Just to know its here helps. I dont feel completely cut off that way, but something tells me that I should be more active again. I can see that I can not do this program alone. To me it seems like I need like minded people in order to have a connection to my HP, feel the serenity and to keep focus on myself.
Thank you all for being here, I already feel some kind of relief just for writing all of this down.
Are
__________________
If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
What an amazing journey of self recovery for you. You certainly are working a great program.
I think the self doubt you have regarding her calling is a normal reaction to the way the relationship was. You are human having a human emotion & reaction. It is how you handle it that matters. Ultimately if you have contact with her it will be what it is supposed to be. If you slip then you slip - it happens to the best of us. Be gentle with yourself and remember everyone is here to support you.
Karen
__________________
Nobody cares how much you know until they know how much you care. Love you all!
Karen
I agree...Are you are doing and have done very very well since you have gotten here and into the program. Pats on the back!! Well Done Are!! I am not fully American and that little disclosure about expressing feelings like an American gave me a shiver...I rather go with being male. Males come from their brains and women from there hearts and I learned feelings and expression of feelings from the women of Al-Anon..."getting in touch with my female side" they called it and almost had to tie me down on the floor so I could listen when they started their feelings lessons. I lived in my head which probably was as messy and cluttered as your room. I also wasn't born in America but another culture so going there and hanging with my peer population also meant learning and understanding a new language. I'm now back home and still use what the ladies have taught me mostly which is the language of Al-Anon alot.
You've done good recovery work and have good natural skills...trust your program and those skills and keep going for growth. In support (((hugs)))
I really enjoyed hearing your story of self discovery. You have made so much progress in just a few short years. I understand your temptation to understand how your exGF is doing and where you stand. Sometimes we codeoendents are "moths to a flame". It's an old cliche, but describes our behaviors so well.
You also warmed my heart with your expression of the importance of your family home. My son moved out thus weekend and it has been hard on both of us. It's so funny because he has identified all the sentimental things he wants to take with him. Each and every one is an item we have owned since he was a baby. Incredible! He puts out such an "I don't care" attitude, but this is a guise for his sensitivity.
Anyway, thanks again for your post. Whatever happens with your exAGF, or your access to meetings, we are here for you.
I thought coming home to Norway should be easier. One part of me must have thought that I would be out of reach of the emotions I struggled with in England, lol. It does not work that way. I know I need to stay awake and recognice any signs of old behaviour or thinking.
Since I read your replies this morning I have been feeling better. Like it helps me to refill my courage and faith in today. I have done alot of work in the old house today. I keep throwing away things I have collected over many years. I used to get obsessed about getting new things when I was younger, always getting new interests and hobbies. It's frustrating to see how many projects I left half finished. Now I'm sticking to the hobbies I have always had like; fishing, playing music and running. Actually, running is a relatively new hobby of mine, but it does not take up any space at home
I realize that I need Al-Anon still, and that might be something that will be a part of much of my life from now on, but I am grateful for having the program. I see so much more value in things now. A day used to be something I had to get through. Now I can see possibilities and the value of the time I have.
Thank you all for being here. You guys constantly end up on my gratitude list
Are
__________________
If we try to judge another person using ourselves as a reference, we forget that we are all different. Where is the justice in that?
. 
, I already feel some kind of relief just for writing all of this down.