The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Yep I do that, I come out with sweeping statements and at the time of saying my stuff I really do say what I mean and I say it mean sometimes, I guess whilst I still live with my husband, habits of a life time, are very hard to break and since straight forward communication is not something that has happened here, very often, manipulation is an old out of date idea that I need to work on.
I think this is progress though that I can at last see that I do the very same thing I accuse him of, and I really don't want to be like that anymore, I want to find better ways of communication that arn't blaming and resentful.
The hardest part for me is? I am very literal, what you see with me is what you get, in contrast to my husband who is very very complex, he is so so many people rolled into one, at any given time you never know who he is going to be today, just for today I am trying to just be me for that is all I can be.
Katy thanks for your post. "He is so many people rolled into one". When I read that I thought wow isnt that the truth. Never knowing who is coming thru the door, who is going to answer the phone or who is going to change personalities right before my eyes, or by the time I got back from the bathroom :) I dont really have anything to say here other than how that reminded me, thanks :)
I know that I got into the mess I have been because I tried to fit myself into being whom ever I thought he needed me to be, for him to love me the way I felt I needed to be loved, I have learnt that it really is about being true to myself, being honest, and stepping out of the isolation and insanity of an alchoholic marriage, surrounding my self with programme people that walk the walk, I know I am changing for the better, at first I had no clue of how or what that would feel like, I am still slipping but those slips are few and far between, and now they serve to reinforce my strength, the only person I can be certain about is myself and a god of my understanding, for this I have a family of my choosing, who bring a wealth of wisdom and hope, you are all a blessing.
I know that I got into the mess I have been because I tried to fit myself into being whom ever I thought he needed me to be, for him to love me the way I felt I needed to be loved, I have learnt that it really is about being true to myself, being honest, and stepping out of the isolation and insanity of an alchoholic marriage, surrounding my self with programme people that walk the walk
HI Katy
Thank you for both shares. The above quote really did resonate with me as I too tried to fit myself into the world in whatever fashion I THOUGHT people wanted me to be. I truly lost myself .
I also discovered how manipulative my behavior had become when alanon asked me to "examine my motives". Wow!!! I discovered that my "Kindness, Compassion and Generosity" had become linked to trying to get my way or to manipulate people into "doing what I wanted or liking me".
Working this program has truly given me back my true self. This true self can be generous, kind and compassionate without people pleasing and it really feels so powerful. I am no angel and still remain very human in fact I can now be angry or sad and express these feelings without blaming others and without pretending that I am "Happy".
Allowing myself to be an imperfect human being is a true gift of this program
The way I became conscious of it is that I didn't like the way I felt when being manipulated. So I know I manipulate too but I am trying to be more straight forward. Especially in expressing my needs.
I can totally relate to you saying you A is many people rolled into one. I can so relate and I realize after reading your post that I too manipulate and offer kindness to get my way or to get someone to agree with me.
Thanks for the insight its a learning progress for sure :)
Never know which "person" will work through the door.
He just walked in when I was replying to another post. The "mind reader" came in that time. Thankfully he has now left the house again. They can change in a heartbeat. I would try to work out what I did to make him suddenly go from nice to angry and aggressive. Realising now that I didn't actually do anything.
Trying to make myself how I think other people need me to be..............I think I have done that almost my entire life. I am not even sure I know who I am but I am certainly trying to find out now.
Jackie
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Jackie
You never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only option you have left!
So just keep your head up and keep moving forward.
As an alanon myself, I tend to focus on the other person's problems and then I behave in such a way to try to change their behavior and when I can't, I seem to become a toddler trapped in an adult body! lol
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