The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am new to the boards. My A is my mother. She is currently in her second round of detox. Last time, I thought she would be one of the lucky ones who beat this disease after only one try. We staged an intervention, and she agreed to detox and an inpatient rehab. Before she even finished her first day in the rehab facility, she called her boyfriend and begged him to pick her up and bring her home. I was stupid. I thought being in detox and spending a day in rehab with "scary" and "hardened" alcoholics would be enough to keep her sober forever (hahaha! I laugh at myself now!). I also thought I didn't need to seek help for myself. Our social worker told us about al-anon, but I knew she would stay sober once she detoxed, then we could go back to "normal" and live happily ever after. That's how it works, right? Hahaha...within months she was "hanging with the Captain" once again (going through the big bottle every day). When she started going through the jug daily, we knew she was in deep again.
This past week, she became dehydrated and was unable to keep anything down (well, besides her constant stream of rum and coke) she was unable to drink water and was unable to eat. My sister helped her seek help for the dehydration, and as she dried out in the hospital, she decided she wanted to go to detox again. She is wanting to try an outpatient program this time. We will see how this goes. I am hopeful for her, but also am realizing that her recovery is entirely up to her. I want to be supportive, but I also want to find a way to detatch and not take it personally if/when she relapses (because I am now accepting that her addiction and her alcoholism is not my demon to slay!!!). I am also trying to accept that I have a right to be mad and disappointed with her, with the situation, with lots of stuff.
I love her. She has dealt with so much in her life. She is brilliant, beautiful, loving, kind, and I could go on and on and on, but the alcohol is taking it all away. She is totally consumed in her alcoholism, and it hurts. She is constantly drunk, and has been for at least the past 2 years, before that she drank heavily, abused prescription pain medication, battled a gambling addiction, cocaine, eating disorder, and that's just the things I am aware of. She literally drinks around the clock. I want her back, and am having a hard time accepting that in all reality, we will be lucky to have her around another 5 years.
Wow, that was long. I also have a question for you all... How do I explain this to my children? They are 8, 7 5, and 2. They are very close to her, and they speak with her on the phone or through e-mail daily or every other day. I want to be frank and honest, yet compassionate.
So sorry for your pain. It is such a tough, uncompassionate and killing disease but you have come to the right place to get help for yourself and hopefully to bring some peace into your life.
They do have Alateen meetings for your children but I would explain it to them as it is- a disease. You can leave out some of the information that they do not need to know but explain to them and to yourself that your mother loves you she just is sick with a disease of alcholism and it may make her do or say things that she would not normally do.
I would read as much literature as you can. I found reading the AA Big Book helped me understand and symphathize with what they go through. I hope your mother finds help in recovery but even if she does not, you can find help and love here
Sorry for your pain. I dont have a Mother thats an A, but do have 26 into a marriage with the XAH, we have been separated for two years.
Must be difficult to detach from your Mother. Are your children asking questions about your Mom?? I wouldnt volunteer any info unless they ask and when they do, just say that Grandma is ill.
Right now you need to take care of yourself, try and seek out as many Alanon meetings as you can and keep coming back for support right here!!!
I just wanted to add my welcome to MIP and Al Anon. You do seem to have an great grasp of this disease and where each persons responsibility belongs.
Please try to find some alanon meetings in your community. They are listed in the white pages . There you will find terrific literature at a small cost. . One of the booklets is for children and is called "What's Drunk Mommy". That may be perfect for your discussion.
If not it is important for everyone to understand that this is a disease that effects the entire family. We did not causei, cannot control it and cannot cure it. We must find new tools to learn how to constructively live with it. That is what alanon and this board provides.
We have on-line meetings here 2xs a day and open chat so your can connect often
Thanks for joining and sharing the journery
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 12th of July 2010 02:42:10 PM
Previous posters have offered you great insight and suggestions, I wanted to share my experience in explaining alcoholism to my son.
When we first discussed it, he was 10 years old. I let him know that his Dad has an addiction to alcohol. Some people can drink alcohol without it affecting them badly, and they can stop of their own choice. Other people can't drink alcohol safely, without having to have it very frequently, out of their control. My son at the time said, "It's like there's a monster inside Daddy and he needs help to fight the monster". As my son got older, we've talked a lot about the genetic association of addiction as well as the family stress of addiction. We've also discussed alateen. He doesn't want to attend, but I've bought him alateen literature.
Not sure if this helps as your kiddies are younger than mine.
I think honesty is always the best policy, get as much information as you can get, children understand more than we realise, and they come at it from a different angle, as adults we can get bogged down with the responsibilties and emotional baggage, children have a pure inoccense about them, I think they only really need to know it's an illness and that, their grandmother love's them.
Please know you have come to a place where our personal experiences may be a little different we all share your feelings on this disease. We all love or have loved someone who suffers this disease and we to have all sufferred the severe effects of it. You sound like you are already ahead of the game a little bit by already understanding you are powerless to stop your mother from drinking but hold hope in your heart that she finds recovery. Getting yourself to alanon meetings, reading literature, work the steps etc will help you immensly. While you hold no control over your mother you can control how you act or react to the chaos around you. as you get healthier your children will follow suit. I so wish I could turn back time and have found alanon when I was a young mother. Although my husband and I did all we could to shield our children from this disease we didn't realize that although we were not alcholics or addicts we sure carried the characterisics and passed them along to our children. Our son is now an addict and after finding alanon I can look back and see while we didn't "make" him turn to drugs but that our behavior ( and I believe gentics involved) put him in the danger zone. You have now the time to raise your children in a much healthier way. I would explain to them only enough they can understand for thier age group. Grandma has a disease. Grandma is still worthy of love and understanding. Validate any feelings they may express about what they are seeing.... that is so important. You have been given alot of great suggestions I so hope you follow through on recovery for yourself and your children. Blessings in recovery
Thank you all for the love and support. This is one of those issues I can't exactly bring up during playgroup with my other "Mommy Friends", so it's nice to have a place to vent and share "war stories" as well as work on recovery.
Rocky, I like your description. I try to be as honest as possible with the kids. They already lost a grandparent from cancer, so I really don't want them to lose another one. But I have to remember that is not up to me, it is between her and our higher power.
The online meetings should be great until I can find f2f meetings. I feel like I have so much to learn.
