The material presented
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I am having a hard time not reacting my As negativity even though he is out of town and far away from me right now. He is working out of state and keeps wanting to come home early even though he agreed with his employer about the time required. He is waiting for me to give him approval to leave early which I have not done. The last email I got was very negative and just said oh dont worry I will stay for as long as I need to even though they have me doing everything other than what I was hired for. It appears to me that he is mad at me for not giving him the ok to leave even though I am not his employer and it really isn't my decision. I asked him what the employer thought and how this is going to affect his reference and what his plans are if he returns early. This questions were asked previously and the only response I got back was what I just mentioned.
Should I even respond to that email? I typed off one basically saying quit treating me as the employer and that it wasn't my decision it was between both of them. I told him his non loving email was hurtful and he didn't have to waste his time writing me since that was all he cared out.
Ok had to get it out but should I just not respond at all to him? I know hes sick and I shouldn't react but I guess I think after so many years of sobriety I should get something more. I know we cant expect but when you are married it seems you have a right to expect some things from your DH?
(((rxygrl))) I can't tell you what you should do-respond to his email or not. But from personal experience I've found it's better for me not to respond to situations that are not my business. I would tend to react to the craziness which just caused the whole problem to continue to spiral out of control and did no one any good. "...it seems you have a right to expect some things from your DH? " Yes, it seems like you should. But having expectations of an A is a good way to set ones self up for certain disappointment.
hi (((rxygrl)) It sounds to me like he is trying to draw you in to making a decision for him so if it is not the right choice, he will have someone to blame other than himself. I have often read, and also been told by many knowledgeable people that, for the most part, alcoholics do NOT like to make choices because they would rather sit back and let someone else do it. That way, if it doesn't work out, it's not THEIR fault. I have seen this time and again with my own AH. Something that I hear often on this site and that has helped me is "Say what you mean, but don't say it mean." That's hard for me, but the outcome does seem to be good when I can manage it. If you do respond, let your HP guide you; my HP usually (okay, always-WHEN I listen!) knows what the right thing to say is, even when I don't. Whether or not you respond is totally up to you. But keep in mind that you can NOT control anything he does, you only have that kind of control over your own self.
Thinking of you today and sending many positive thoughts your way!!
love from Denise
_______ "The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
__________________
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
It's okay to expect, as long as you can cope with disappointment (I have learned anyway).
My a disappoints me over and over and over again, so I have devised ways to try to take care of myself when he is acting out in his illness or doesnt' have room for me at the moment.
It's hard though, cause he is so unpredictable. One moment, he's giving me undivided attention and the next, he's in la la land.
It's only now that I am starting to learn to detach when he's like this and not let it hurt me.
Thank you for the great advice. I did write him back but I was nice and tried to remain positive. I did get a nice email back. I am trying to remember my A is w/out his meetings for this time period so his personality is all over the place. Thankfully I can pass on things to him via email to help him cope.
