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Hi again. Posted a couple months ago. ABF had gone to detox. I was hopeful.
Well, he's now convinced himself he doesn't have a problem. If I bring up his drinking, he gets nasty and defensive. He's not living with me, but he lives in my building with a friend, so he's always around. Luckily, he has to move out this week, as his unit is being foreclosed on.
He got really nasty tonight. Says he's coming tomorrow to get "his" TV. He doesn't acknowledge that I pretty much supported him for the past year, just wants his TV to punish me. Fine, he can have the TV. I ordered a new one online tonight.
It just hurts that this man whom I've been with for 8 1/2 years can turn so nasty, and fail to see the fact that his alcoholism broke us up. He makes me out to be the bad guy, told me tonight that I'm the a** hole in this whole situation, that he's sick of me throwing his drinking in his face. He seems to think it's not a problem, and I'm overreacting, even though everyone I know agrees with me. I'm starting to think that maybe I AM a b**ch, that maybe I'm being unreasonable. But I know I'm not.
I guess I'm just looking for some validation that I'm doing the right thing, that I'm not a horrible person, and that I'll be ok on my own, b/c he keeps trying to make me feel dependent on him ("How are you going to pay for your car repairs without me?" "How are you going to pay the bills"). I told him that I'm almost 40 years old and I'll figure it out.
I miss the man I fell in love with. He's gone. It's like mourning a death.
Welcome back. A really nice thing about Alanon I have just accepted recently is that your qualifier does not have to be an alcoholic, only requirement is that someone's drinking is or has affected your life. I've gained the experience that I don't need to prove anyone is an alcoholic, it is a progressive disease and time takes care of that for me if it is the case. At the same time nothing can invalidate my feeling of being negatively affected by another's drinking.
Only you know what is best for you. I find that taking time to meditate and ask my HP for guidance helps to focus my energy and solidify my decisions.
My xah liked to zoom in on my fears of how I would take care of myself. Funny thing though once I stopped taking care of him I had plenty of time, energy ... well I can't say plenty of money but enough to survive. At least at this point I can choose my priorities financially and I am not dependent on what might be left over after both of us paying for the addiction cycle.
I'm sorry you are in pain. I understand feeling as if you are in mourning. I also felt as if the person I had known was just gone, and this other person had somehow moved in without my knowledge. I suggest attending face to face meetings, gaining as much knowledge as you can about alcoholism and how it effects the people around it, and coming back as often as you can. It really helps. You're in my thoughts and prayers.
Blaming you is normal , if he accepts responsiblity he will have to do something about it . not worked for a yr- not my kinda guy .. and he asks how are u going to pay your bills - should be a snap with only yourself to look after . alcoholism takes the man and leaves someone behind we dont know anymore and until he says enough there is never enough . your not the reason he drinks your simply not powerful enough to make anyone drink or stop. Next time he starts to blame think to yourself , take the *me * out of blame and u have bla bla bla .. and u will be able to detach from his crap.
You sound very rational to me! It is their disease that makes us question ourselves. It makes people around them think they are crazy themselves.
Good answer, you will take care of you! Just your saying it will reinforce it for you.
Book,"Getting Them Sober." by Toby Rick Drew great book I guarentee will help ya. Volume One.
It is horrible to see what the disease does to our loved ones. Mine has been or was in my life for over forty years, I have a son from him. Though my son,daughter nor I ever mention him anymore.
For me, letting him go was the best thing I ever did. No matter what he says, it means nothing to me. Took me a long time to really believe he is insane, and has been most all his life.
He probably did love you! But sadly this disease destroys them, they kill brain cells, don't mature, are very sick people.
You are very validated. If you cont. in Al Anon you will grow in so many ways you could have never imagined. It teaches us to say I, my, me not, he, his, himself.
We focus on our needs, our beliefs and how we feel about ourselves.
There is no way someone who loves themselves would act the way they do, part of the disease. They have NO idea what love is, no idea.
We will never understand or relate to them. Also even though the symptoms are the same, the person can be a lawyer, a mom, a very nice giving person, a raving lunatic, addiction does not discriminate.
We have some double winners here that are absolutely a Godsend to MIP. I have come to love them and respect them so much. They are good people.
Anway meetings, there are ones on here, this board, the chat room, face to face meetings, books, will help you. Even when we are no longer with the A, it is still very important to our growth.
Hi,(((( (jettiesgirl)))) I never cease to be amazed at how the stories told here so closely reflect the life I lived for 30+ years. For years I struggled with wondering if the problem really was ME and not my AH. According to him, the only problem with his drinking was that I had a problem with it. Now I realize that this was NOT true, and that even if had been, that alone should have been enough to make him stop (this was before I realized he was an alcoholic). When our life together finally spun out of control and we began seeing a marriage counselor, it only took 1 session with her for her to tell me that he was an alcoholic and was in total denial and that there was not a thing I could do about it. What a relief, to finally know that someone else could see that he really DID have an alcohol problem! Something else she told me that really helped was this, after I had gone through a list of,"I could have done this differently, maybe if I would just do this or that, coulda,shoulda,yadda,yadda." She said, "Look, I'm sure you haven't always been the perfect wife. I'm sure there have been many times when you said or did something out of spite or anger that you wish you hadn't done. What you need to know is that even if you HAD managed to be perfect, he would still drink. Your words and actions DO NOT cause him to drink, they never have and they never will. If YOU weren't the problem, he would just find someone or something else to blame it on." I knew all this deep inside, but years of living with this manipulative, cunning man made me doubt my own feelings. I'm so glad to hear that you do feel that you can make it without him-financially as well as emotionally. That feeling still comes and goes with me, depending on the time of day! But I know deep down that I CAN make it with the help of my HP and all the wonderful encouragement and support I get from the people here. You can,too, and it seems to me you are well on your way to realizing that. It IS like mourning a death. And he is NOT the person you fell in love with. Alcoholics truly have a 2 sided personality. I also struggled with this for a long time. I felt that I was betraying the vows I had made, the 'til death do us part' and 'in sickness and in health' stuff. But I eventually came to understand that if I left him, I would not be leaving the man I married. This stranger he became when he drank was NOT the man I married. I didn't even want to be in the same house with this man, and he is not someone I would have ever chosen to be friends with, let alone marry. When he was drinking, he was the one who broke all the promises and vows, forcing me to make the choice. (Because alcoholics also don't like to make choices. They would rather let all decisions be made for them, then, if it turns out bad, it's not their fault.) You are NOT a horrible person, you are just someone who has been on the roller coaster so long that your head is spinning and making you doubt yourself. You sound to me like someone who is beginning to realize that you are a very worthwhile individual and that you deserve a chance at a happy, SANE life. YOU CAN DO IT!!! And you ARE worth it!! Please keep coming back here and let us know how you are progressing. I will be keeping you in my prayers and sending positive thoughts your way!!
love from Denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Thank you all so much. I am trying so hard to be strong and keep my boundaries. I've also been trying to be as compassionate as possible toward him, but he's making that difficult now. I am just going to keep detaching,detaching, detaching.
You guys are so right -- It doesn't matter if he admits to his disease or not, as long as his actions are affecting me, then it IS a problem, for me. I've been to a couple f2f meetings. I need to go more consistently.
This whole experience breaks my heart, and I hate that it has come to this. But I WILL be okay. For myself and for my daughter (not his child). I need to keep strong. Thanks to you all, once again, for helping me do just that.
I did receive "Getting Them Sober" and started reading it. It's great! I'm going to finish it this week.
I read your post and it brought back a bit of a fond memory for me, from the midst of a very difficult time with my then-active AW....
My sponsor, when I asked him why she (AW) was so angry with me, said very simply: "of course she is angry with you - you are the one who is making her uncomfortable about her drinking"
Made perfect sense to me....
Most active alcoholics are "more scared of sobriety than they are of staying drunk", and do everything in their power to keep the status quo around them....
Take care T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
MY AH blames me for everything. I make him drink, I make him not sleep, I make him drive badly, I make him forget things, I make his son not want to be with him, I make him anything and everything. GEEZ if I can do so much without trying, it is a pity I can't MAKE him stop drinking. He get paranoide. Then he is fine for a few days and I think he is making progress but you all know what happens. And of course HE doesn't have a drink problem although he hides wine boxes under the bed and doesn't even use a glass to drink them! He just presses the button and pours it in his mouth. And in front of our son!!!!!!!!!!!!
And I also have heard him say "The only problem with his drinking is that I have a problem with it". He says nobody and nothing else is affected.
So I hear you and understand. I also need to keep working on myself. Detaching. Not letting HIS problem affect me so much. It is hard. We care about them.
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Jackie
You never know how strong you can be until being strong is the only option you have left!
So just keep your head up and keep moving forward.
Hey!! and Aloha Family and North's alcoholic just mentioned why she is qualified for the program...how intuitive. The only problem with my drinking is that you have a problem with it. That is thee qualified for the face to face meetings of the Al-Anon Family Groups and the place where the miracles start.
If you haven't yet gone to the white pages of your local telephone book and looked up the hotline number for Al-Anon (my HP had to show me where the "A" section was) I suggest it. Call the number, find the meeting places and times and go just as quickly as you can get there. You are not alone and the Family is waiting with a chair of your very own. Amazing people are there with literature, love, experience strength and hope and solutions that work whether your alcoholic is still drinking or not. Now there is no justification to suffer any longer...that's always an option. (((((hugs)))))
Your not being unreasonable at all. You'll be OK on your own and the quote "I told him that I'm almost 40 years old and I'll figure it out." is a good sign that you are regaining your own sanity on your own terms.
Missing the man you fell in love with is normal and time and your own strength will help you get through this difficult time.
alcoholism takes the man and leaves someone behind we dont know anymore and until he says enough there is never enough . your not the reason he drinks your simply not powerful enough to make anyone drink or stop. 