The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My daughter is a drug addict, 40 yrs old. Her 3 sons, ages 18, 19, and 20 are pot addicts. Five years ago, our daughter started drugs, lost her good job, lost her home, her vehicle. Her 3 sons got hooked on pot to deal with living with her actions. For about a year, she went to a housing project with her boys but got kicked out due to her son's drugs. We lost the year free ride. She is now in an apartment we rented for her and her 3 sons to live in, which we have spent all our money and are now borrowing loan after loan. She applied for the FREE housing project and is on a waiting list. My husband and I went to Alanon and they said to stop bailing her out. So, her electric got cut off and she slept in her car due to the heat. She got an eviction notice. Her oldest son moved in with his friend. The other two boys just slept on the floor. She was also on a waiting list for a women's shelter here. In the meantime, she literally had no where to go and neither did the 18 or 19 year old. I let them come here for one night, and could not deal with them. So, I broke down and gave in so my husband borrowed more money to pay two more months rent and utilities waiting for them to hopefully get into housing on this waiting list. What if they don't get into a housing unit? What if it is a year's wait? That is 3200.00 recently we paid. None of them are working. The boys have never worked. She claims she can't because her back hurts which is why she takes methadone and pain pills...her only income is $300 a month she gets in back child support and food stamps and that is ALL. Alanon says let go. Don't pay a dime. But, if she can't go to a shelter or housing project...does she just sleep in her car with the boys? And now we can't make the payments on all the money we have borrowed. I don't want them living here because the boys do pot all day and she often buys pills from drug dealers and I just do not want drugs in my house at all. WHAT SHOULD I DO???? ALANON WANTS ME TO LET THEM SIT OUT THERE AND JUST SLEEP IN A HOT CAR AND FOR ME TO DO NOTHING. Which sounds so...well...so cruel. My religious beliefs as a Christian tells me to help those in need. We are retired and now broke...what should we do????????/ Please PM me if you have any suggestions
-- Edited by canadianguy on Monday 12th of July 2010 08:27:22 AM
Welcome to MIP. I'm sorry for the pain and distress addiction is causing you and your family. Taking care of myself and not doing for others what they can do for themselves are tools I have had to make a part of my daily life. It is not a commitment I took lightly or found easy to make. Each boundary, every decision on what was acceptable in caring for someone and for myself was agonizing at some point in time. The process has gotten simpler over time as I depend upon my serenity and happiness to keep me sane enough to help others in the ways I am able to.
When my home was foreclosed I left my xah sitting in the living room with a bag of clothes. i had removed my belongings to the place I had found to accept me and my animals. I had made the decision that he was not coming with me, our divorce would be final in a months time and there had been 2 years leading up to this for change. I knew he had no place to go, wouldn't take his belongings and that his world had finally crashed around him. That moment was probably one of the most dificult I will ever face and hardest to live with. I understand your pain. I do know that everything I have learned thru Alanon has made it possible for me to make decisions I can live with and are the best for me personally. Please continue with your face to face meetings, learn as much as you can about addiction and how it effects everyone around it and keep coming back as often as you can.
The disease loves it when others baby an addict.When they are comfortable they don't get a chance to be miserable enough to do something.
If they can afford their pot and other drugs, they can afford to take care of themselves.
I would hate to get another post from you saying you lost your house and you were here by going to the library.
Their disease is their own,not yours. I DO understand your feelings,been there.
Learned that unless we allow our kids, and grandkids to figure out their own problems they will never know they can.
They are fortunate they have a car! There are places set up all over for when it gets too hot.
I invite you to allow them to figure it out. It is ok to say,"no."
Do for you and your husband. I am sure if they were not sick, they would never want to bring you two down like this.
We teach others how to treat us.
You can still dig out of this mess and enjoy your time together. You may need to make some changes,but I know you can do it. I am so glad you are not alone.
I honestly feel your pain and am so thankful you found alanon. My son is an addict and I was insane before I walked through the doors of alanon. We do not give advice unless safety is an issue. This a program to help YOU!!! It is a progressive program ( lifelong actually ) and it takes time to work the steps, get an understanding of this awful disease and learn how to cope with it in a way that is best for YOU! The first thing we learn are the 3 C's We didn't Cause it, We can't Control it and We can't Cure it. Please write those down and keep them in your back pocket so they are there to remind you at all times that you are powerless over this disease and your loved ones who suffer from it. It is heartbreaking to say the least but as you work the program you will regain control back over your own life. My son lives at home and everyone who knew our situation told us "kick him out". Easier said than done to say the least. In alanon I was told to work ( really work) the program at least 6 months before making any major decisions. That was a relief to me as my son had lost all his jobs due to his drug use, has no car (thankfuly), no money, no friends left and we would litteraly have to kick him to the streets or take him to a shelter. I was no where near ready to do that. As I worked the program I grew stronger, I was able to put up boundaries of what I was willing to live with and what I wasn't and be able to follow through with them. Keep going to meetings, work the program and you will know when it is time for you to make decisions that seem impossible right now. We never want to see our loved ones suffer. It breaks my heart that my son has a pain so deep he needs to take drugs to escape. There is no rythme or reason to this disease. Don't feel pressured to do anything you are no ready to do. You will know when you are ready. Please keep coming back all of us here know the pain of living with this disease and you will gain a wealth of information from people alot more experienced that me and also your postings will help others believe it or not. There is always something we can learn or relate to. Join us here for our online meetings, they are awesome! I wish you many blessings in your recovery
Her rent will be due again in two months and if she is STILL on the waiting list for the housing project, where she can live free, and it is going to come to us borrowing another loan or selling our car to pay her rent or she and her two sons (18, and 19) will really be living in the street. I was looking up jobs for them everyday on the internet, taking them job hunting and it seems I was the one most interested. I had to make them do follow up calls. If I don't do anything, they won't look for a job. So far, they have had no luck getting a job as most jobs around here drug test for pot and the boys couldn't pass and my daughter's back hurts too bad to work. What pills she gets, half of them she sells for money for cigs and gas or trades food stamps for pills. This has been going on five years. Today she called me begging me to buy her a pack of cigarettes and get her some gas. She is sitting alone in her apartment and begged me for at least some toilet paper and coffee filters. I brought her cofffee filters, toilet paper, and the want ads but gave her no money; she keeps promising she will pay it back on the 24th when she gets her child support, but she never does. I am scared everybody. I am really scared. I have to decide to let her sit there and die from heat in her apt. when they turn off her electric as housing is full and shelter is full, or pay her rent buy getting in further debt or allowing the 3 addicts to come here. I feel suicidal....I don't know what to do. What would you all do? Please?????
I really do hear your pain and understand the horrible problem you are surrounded by. It is noble to want to care for your daughter and her children however they are old enough to care for themselves. You drive them around to look for jobs and they are barely interested. Drug testing is the norm at all jobs these days so job hunting seems a waste of time. It appears that they feel helpless and completely dependent on you.
You say you are retired and on a limited income. You must take care of yourself and your husband and your responsibilities first. Pay your bills, buy your food , gas, and do not borrow money that you cannot pay back.
Please do not project into what may happen to the family in the future. Just try to take care of each day. You did fine today You gave some staples but no money. If she has no air conditioner in the heat then that is what it is. She will be uncomfortable.
But right now today take care of yourself. Rest, come here to the chat room and attend the meeting tonight. Try to find a face to face meeting in our community.
It is so very important that you take the focus off your daughter and her problesms put the focus on yourself and let God handle the problems created by your daughter and her grown family
I appreciate all of you giving me good advice and being here for me at a time that I honestly feel that I am losing my mind and my life. My entire 'being' is surrounded around what will my daughter do next and what will the 3 jobless grandsons do next.... It is such a sick worry, yet after five years of steadily going broke, using our retirement and going in debt, nothing we have done has worked or changed anything at all. It is like the four of them is just treading water as long as we pay their rent and bills, gas. I have tried to get them to go to church with us and once in a while two of the grandsons will go; I have tried everyday looking or new job possibilities, but when they apply, they seldom do follow up and they refuse to give up pot; my daughter will not give up her pain pills and methadone. I know she has been using adderol also. She has a group of people she knows that when one runs out of pills, one helps the other out. She sells her food stamps, not all, but most. Her 300 a month child support check goes to cigs and gas, and when that runs out I guess is when she sells her pills. I am at a wall where we are too old to go into deeper debt as we cannot afford anymore monthly payments on the money we borrow to support them. I don't want anybody to suffer that I love. I asked her to go to AA meetings but she is in denial of a drug problem and the grandkids say pot is not a drug, it is a herb. The hardest part for me....is.....how can anybody out there watch their child sleep in a car in 95 degree weather with nothing. I worry she will die. Am I the only one with this fear? How do you allow somebody to suffer, especially your child? I have prayed so much.
The three C's ... we did not cause addiction, we cannot control addiction, we cannot cure addiction.
I tried getting my xah to try everything too. Treatment programs, church, AA ... I told him for 15 years and probably would have continued had I not hit my bottom. Too exhausted too drained financially, emotionally to do anything but admit that I was as powerless over him and his usage as he was. I had to Let Go and Let God or go down with the ship. I was told something that stuck with me that seems to fit. A very wise woman said to me that I did not have to prove I loved him that was already obvious, but I had the chance to show my respect by letting him live his life the way he chose. That by letting him make decisions and reap the benefits or consequences without my interference he may get to hit his own bottom and retain the pride of pulling himself out.
There were many situations of danger that I had to trust in my HP to handle. From drunk driving, passing out in a car in heat and cold, crawling home across busy streets. The worst for me was listening to him sleep, almost every night there was at least one time he would choke. I lost alot of sleep and vomited on more than I want to remember trying to make sure he did not choke. It is scary. The only way I was able to let go was to trust that my xah's HP had a whole lot more power than I did and had a plan for my xah. He belonged in his HP's care not mine. Practicing handing over each fear to your HP in your prayers, it helps me alot.
You definetly have a dilema on your hands , u say your daughter may end up on the street have u considered that if you keep going this way you may too? Grandsons are old enough to work and definetly so is mom but as long as you continue to do for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will change why should they change you are supplying them with every thing they need. I know this is tough but seriously nothing your doing is getting the results u seek so try doing the opposite to what u have always done and see what happens .perhaps its time to step aside and allow them the dignity to choose how they want to live . I am truly sorry for your stuggle and hope u choose to save yourself we cannot save someone who dosent want to be saved .the only person u can change is yourself . thinking of you today Louise
(((goingcrazyinky))) I can feel your pain and agony jumping through my laptop to me.... I feel SO bad for you. I do have a suggestion for you. There is a listing above for a book called "Getting them Sober". I think that this would be a good resource for you. There are different chapters on different areas of dealing with alcoholism/drug addiction. Chapter 9 talks about Tough Love. Until you use this, your loved ones will probably continue using their drugs of choice. Normal thinking does not work with addicts/alcoholics when they are actively using. By rescuing them, you are helping them to remain sick. Addiction is cunning and will suck every bit of life out of you until there is nothing left of YOU. By using tough love, especially if you can catch them in a sober moment, you can explain to them that you love them all, but that financially you have to let them choose their own path. If they choose addiction, there truly is NOTHING that you can do to help them. We all have the right to choose how we live. They are all adults and are responsible for themselves. They are making a choice to use and not clean up. You can not control addiction. You can not cure addiction. We all have a responsibility to see to our own basic needs. What you are doing is enabling them. We have all been there at some point of our lives, that is why we are here. It is not easy, tough love is probably the hardest thing that I have done with my AH. But it IS what finally turned him around... for now. I am going to be praying for you and your family. Please take care of you and don't forget to take care of you and your husband's needs.
You definetly have a dilema on your hands , u say your daughter may end up on the street have u considered that if you keep going this way you may too? Grandsons are old enough to work and definetly so is mom but as long as you continue to do for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will change why should they change you are supplying them with every thing they need.