The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It has been a tough weekend. My EXAH called me so many times last night, i eventually turned off the phone. I did not even try to listen to the messages last night because I wanted to have a peaceful night. This morning, I started listening to his messages, most of them were related to the fact he wanted to talk, he was concerned about me by not being able to contact me and in the last message, he sounded he was dying. I called back just now as I just could not bear the worries about how he is now. He told me he was waiting for me outside of my place for two hours (I was out until late last night), he sounded very sad, he said he thought I could help so he went to my place. I told him firmly that we were over and I could not help him anymore. He then said we could be friends, then I said, maybe later, but not now. He said he would consider to go back to a rehabitation place again. I said, take care then.
The conversation was very short, but I felt so hurts that I feel my head was spinning around and around. Maybe I was too harsh on him, he was suffering and seeking out for help, I was out and having fun with my family. What happens if he gives up and dies, will his family/friends forgive me? will I forgive myself? His parents must hate me so much now, especially his dad, who was the one pushing his son to get the engagement ring from me ASAP in case I will vanish or anything. Anyway, it has been 27 days since the break up, I can feel that I gradually am back to who I used to be before I met him, my inner peace is back to me gradually, so does my sanity. But, I still feel that he and his disease are still haunting over me and strike me anytime without any warning.
It sounds like you still really have strong feelings for this person, but don't feel bad please.......in reality it sounds like you have already done the best you can.
If you have gone to a face to face meeting and have the book "The Courage to Change" or "One day at a time" you might want to turn to the index and read up on the subjects under "Love" and "Changing the things I can".....or any other topic you feel drawn to. During my most desperate times this helped big time....especially when you still have strong feelings......... this and I'd make it to at least 3 meetings a week...and even called my sponsor many times. It's good that you are here though. My heart is with you *
I understand your pain. Letting go is just as hard as every other tool Alanon teaches us. In your post you mentioned he was hurting and thought you could nelp. It reminded me of my xah and myself. I watched and participated for so long in his quest for what would help including me, medications, alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex anything that made "it" go away for a little while. Beating myself up for not being enough or not trying hard enough was and still is so self destructive although it did eventually get me here Please remember that we did not cause this disease, we cannot control it, and we cannot cure it. Fortunately we can make choices to care for ourselves and I have come to understand that as I let go of the wheel and let my HP guide me I find peace and happiness. Keep taking care of you, it's a wonderful thing to be having fun with your family not something to feel guilty about.
Sounds to me like he wasn't so much "reaching out for help" as he was "reaching out to try to avoid dealing with his stuff" - and there IS a difference.... Yes, he wants to lean on you, but he's sounding quite non-committal about getting back into any real recovery for himself....
It's really tough sometimes - our soft spots for our A's - whether it is specifically love for the individual, or simply human decency - wants to keep helping and helping.... I guess, in time, we learn to accept that we can & will "help" them, when they show (not just say) that they are ready to start helping themselves....
Takc care T
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Ok you and A are on a ship. At first it is so much fun, food. pool, romantic.
Then as the days go on, things change, the food is not so fresh,the weather is not as good so swimming is not real inviting. The A gets mad, starts complaining, romance?
Gets worse and worse, you find out the ship is sinking, the life boats are going down, people are starting to get on them, there is a great island not far.
A takes his time, he knows the bar is still there for awhile and no one is going to stop him, he has his life jacket just in case. He hugs on you, says oh it will be ok, we are fine.nothing is wrong!
You see the light, he won't leave the bar, the ship is going down, you get on a lifeboat, you all go to this tropical island with native accomodations, its calm, its safe, the food is soooo fresh.As you are there you see the ship is still there but sinking very slowly. Well is he coming? Why wouldn't he come with me?
You are rejuvenated by the people, food, love.
The ship is almost to the main level where the bar is, you get worried. You wonder, "should I swim out get him?" The boats are very big, you cannot row one alone,no one wants to go back. They can see how dangerous it is.
It is sinking much faster now! But he will die alone! Will anyone ever forgive me for not going out and trying to get him to leave the bar to safety???
You are feeling better, you have eaten good food, been around happy people who care about themselves, and others.
You know he has a life jacket, it is not that far from shore, sure he would have to swim some, but.....
One of the passengers assures you, he will be ok, he can just wait until it is down a bit more and get in and swim here.He will get help here, good food, support. But if you go after him, it will take a lot out of you, there is nothing there to sustain you. He has to decide to get that jacket on and swim here, he has to do it himself. Would you go back?
I took responsibility for the ex A for years. I do know if you have the book but if possible get a copy of Getting them Sober. I can't recommend that enough.
Please remember that we did not cause this disease, we cannot control it, and we cannot cure it. Fortunately we can make choices to care for ourselves and I have come to understand that as I let go of the wheel and let my HP guide me I find peace and happiness. Keep taking care of you, it's a wonderful thing to be having fun with your family not something to feel guilty about.