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I've heared it said many times that we can say nothing to the A to beat them up more than they have already said to themselves. I don't understand this because my AH has an ego the size of Charleston, WV and demonstrates nothing to suggest that he believes anything he's doing is a problem. If he is in total denial that he's an A, why would be be having any internal negative thoughts about his drinking? Can someone help me out with this, please. Thanks so much. I am trying so very hard to get all this figured out so I can have some peace with it.
Earlier in my AH's drinking days, he was expert at making others believe he was terrific. Even believed it himself for a while. When I or others talked to him about the drinking - he indicated that he was fine, and that there was nothing wrong in what he was doing.
But later in his drinking days, he shared that he knew that things weren't right. He felt guilty for not being able to control it, he felt that he was the lowest man of all men, that he was not man enough to get it under control, that he was scum for doing this to his family. I learned about this from a family therapy session at inpatient rehab. Other alcoholics present all agreed that they have felt the same things of themselves, and sometimes worse.
I think the self criticism they do gets worse as the disease progresses, perhaps your AH is still solidly in denial? Or not sharing externally his internal thoughts.
I guess whether they are beating themselves up or not, is our job to do it for them or add to it?
Jenny, I think that oftimes the inflated ego is a means of covering up the fact that a person feels woefully inadequate. As to why they think the way they do...if I could figure that one out I could command a salary to beat Lebron James!!!!!!
Best wishes, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
Thanks, Rocky -- My AH is also a currently non-active compulsive gambler and his gambling problem was as about as bad as it gets. He gave his whole life over to it. So from that standpoint, I'm sure he beat himself up over that. You will never get any indication from him that his ego has taken a blow. Mine drinks and goes straight to sleep, like that's the goal. OR maybe he thinks that will show me. He's drunk and asleep right now after a full night's sleep and arising at 6:30 a.m. I don't know how anyone can sleep as much as he does. I'm afraid he suffers from a fairly bad case of depression. He must really feel bad about himself if all he wants to do is put himself out of his misery, I guess. It's so painful to watch him do this every day. I'd better be careful or I will switch to having TOO MUCH compassion for him if I know me - LOL. Jenny
In one of the books I read (Marriage on the Rocks by Janet G. Woititz-GREAT help to me), the author said, "I once heard an alcoholic defined as an egomaniac with an inferiority complex". That seemed to describe my AH to a tee. (By the way, I highly recommend that book, it talked about many of the issues that you have described)
love from denise
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
No one who continually hurts himself by drinking or drugs is covering up for things they can't deal with. Acting as if they have a high self esteem etc is a cover. In truth they feel quite worthless. Very sad part about this disease is that they have so little self worth no matter what they may tell you or they wouldn't need to escape from reality all the time.
I'm sure I can do a pretty great job of showing the outside world I'm feeling just great and fine. Only the people closest to me might have a clue that things aren't, but even then, I can still hold back.
That's the best way I can explain it.
I know with my AH for sure, the self-hate is definitely there, but he refuses to admit anything is wrong. I've really only learned what that self-hate looks like by attending Al-Anon regularly, because I can spot some of the same behaviors in myself.
Great discussion...Aloha you're right on by looking at yourself and seeing the human similarities with the alcoholic. In reality I found out by doing the same thing was that the difference twix me and my own self centered and totally fearful alcoholic wife was...gender and age. Well she was a bit better looking than me but then not after a drunk; which were often and then I was stunning and still very fearful.
There is a difference twix inner talk and outer talk...Outer talk is what I tell you the picture looks like and inner talk often isn't so sure and quite doubtful.
One of the most loving things I ever told my alcoholic wife in a moment of clarity while she was trying to convince me that the picture looked as she saw it was "Oh that's a bit of bs. For me it's quiet different". It wasn't said mean just like the ladies here at MIP suggest and it was truthful. Discussing how I saw the picture is a different subject...most times I gotta leave that one until after I practice and pray for a while. (((((In support)))))
Why not go to an open meeting of AA. You will see plenty of people there who have alcoholic thinking.
I spent a lifetime trying to work out addiction now I don't try to work that out anymore, I'm more focused on me, what do I need to do, how can I take care of me. I had to have a hands off approach to the addiction because it can consume me.
How are you taking care of yourself. How are you managing to detach? I know it is a real art to learn detachment when you are around an active alcoholic.
LOL
