The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am missing my ABF and my apartment very, very much. My thoughts are becoming more clear and the depression from the past 2 weeks of chaos is finally lifting a little, but I am considering going back. No decisions are going to be made on my part right away, but I do (kind of) want to go back. (Even though now there is no job waiting on me.) Can't decide if this makes me weak? Bleh. I love the guy.
My ABF and I spoke a few minutes ago over the phone, he was drunk. We were having a light-hearted conversation when he asked what I was thinking of doing about my living situation. Then he told me that if I am coming back, that he needs me to come back soon. He wouldn't really say why and when I asked him, he just said "I NEED you here. Since you haven't been here my lifestyle hasn't been the same". DUH!
Haha! Now I'm wondering if he's been drinking more? Or just lonely? Maybe I should let him suffer without me for a while so he can feel some consequences? I don't know. I knew better than to try to have any REAL talk with him about while he had been drinking, so I let it go.
I wouldn't take a drunk A seriously in a conversation. Actually nowdays I wouldn't even speak to a drunk person. Of course they "need" us. They try to make us feel bad and try to pull us right back to them. They are good at it. They are good at telling us what we want to hear. That strategy usually works for them. Of course, it works everytime doesn't it? For a long time anyway and when we change, they don't like it.
You will never know if he's been drinking more or if he's just lonely or what he's thinking. There is nothing wrong with loving the A's and we can't always be tough either. You are only human.
I've found in this program that no one person "NEEDS" another person - and most especially not in the way an A needs a co-dependent, and not in the way a co-dependent needs an A.
If there's any one person who needs me, it's ME. I have to ask myself: What about ME? What do I need? Because experience tells me the alcoholic sure as hell won't care about my needs. He only wants his needs fulfilled and once that's done, I'm supposed to get the hell out of his way until he decides he needs me again - needs me around to use as a verbal punching bag, needs me around for financial security, needs me around so he can uphold his imaginary illusion that his life is great. MY needs will never get met by the alcoholic. And I've learned it is IMPOSSIBLE to attempt to meet the needs of the alcoholic without completely losing myself.
The "I need you" statement really triggers me, because that's how I ended up flying 3000 miles away from home to live with and eventually marry my A - because he called me on the phone one day and told me "I'm lonely. I need you."
Nalina...alcohol is also a chemical depressant. If he is drinking he might be in the bottom of his cups and needing you to lay his blahs all over. You have to check your motives out for wanting to go back...fear probably mostly and maybe addiction to him and the situation also. Change is hard and alcoholism never makes it easier. I never loved the alcoholic until after we were divorced and I had program under my belt. I understood why I got together with her in the first place and used the program to change it. Do an inventory on the situation...good, bad and ugly and take your time with it...then make your decision. Remember if nothing changes?...nothing changes and alcoholism is a progressive disease...it will get worse.
There was a time that I had moved out of our home for 8 months. In hindsight, I now realize that the underlying motive was to make him experience what life would be like without me (i.e., "suffer without me for a while . . . ").
That was pure manipulation on my part - trying to control what I could not. And it certainly didn't change him a bit in the long run. In the short run it seemed to. He went to a 30-day rehab within a week of my absence. Then attended AA meetings after that. Now - back to trying to control his drinking and not attending meetings. 360 degree turn - back where he started, no, worse, sense this disease is progressive.
Fast forward 3 years later, I can clearly see how addicted I was to him. I still have the urge to call him to see how he is doing. But I don't. The urge is weakening as I go alone. I place him the creator's hands.
It's best to examine one's motives, and like Jerry suggested, take an inventory.
Take good care, Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Its easy to go back to something we know and are uncomfortable with, even if its not good for us.
Its self abuse is what it is, and delusion and not knowing what the future will bring is scary.
Like Jerry said, its a progressive disease and unless the A is in a program and even then its no guarantee that it will stop the progression. The A says he wants you back and doesnt even know why. Is that good enough for you? Don't sell yourself short.
He needs me ! ah those three words that keep dragging us back into chaos. Luckily I learned early in this program that they need us alot more than we need them . not something I needed to share with my husb but just gave me a little more power and control over my own life ..we make them look normal, we keep them out of debt , we see that they eat well all at our expence .. we give up our friends to be there for them,we give up our lives and interests to be available *should they want to talk * sheeeeeeeesh. It's ok to love an alcoholic but learning to do it without loosing yourself is tricky , our program will show u how to do that .. if your not already attending f2f meetings please find one or two in your area ,especially if your going to continue with this relationship and staying away for a few weeks to teach him a lesson ?? usually when I try to teach anyone anything I am the one who learns the lesson.
He needs me! Should I let him suffer?....or should I jump from the frying pan back into the fire?
I received some great ES&H at one of my first f2f meetings when a member said: Anytime you are dealing with a major decision concerning your alcoholic.....always think with your head and not your heart. Way to many times I let my heart make my decisions only to realize later I was wrong...dead wrong. I got burnt many times when my heart got in the way.
Now I put it in HP's hands and then get out of his way.....Guess what?.....He hadn't made any mistakes.
As hard as it was to admit, as long as the alcoholic continues to drink we will never be #1 in our alcoholics life....never....alcohol will always hold that spot. Our best hope is to be #2, maybe? We can't make them change. We make them stop drinking. We can't make them seek help. We can't put our head inside the disease. We can't. We can't. We can't. Alcohol is in 100% control and always first and foremost in their thoughts and actions every waking minute.
Nalina, life is full of choices. And nothing changes when nothing changes. Emotions and our heart sometimes get in the way when our head and our gut are saying otherwise. I've been there and done that.
My son is an addict in jail on thier rehab unit at this time. We have told him he is not coming home this time, that we will work to secure him a bed in a sober living home and help him out as long as he is working on his recovery and all I hear from him in evryone of our conversations and letters is his saying "I really need you and dad to help me". Well 5 years of " helping him" only made things worse for all of us. And if you don't think it is beyond difficult to let your child go I can tell you it is devestatingly heartbreaking. What I do know now is that our relationship is toxic for all of us. He is addicted to drugs we are addicted to trying to save him. I cry and my hearbreaks everyday because of the boundary we have put up and I pray I stay strong enough to enforce it when he is released from jail. I know until he is left to his own devices to either make it or break it he will keep falling. We didn't make our decision to "punish him or let him see what it's like not to live with us". We took a long time to get to the point of making that decision, it was not made lightly. It is heartbreaking when we feel someone else needs us and we withdraw from the situation but it is the disease that needs you not the man. That you should keep in mind. Should you go back at least you will be doing it with open eyes, you will have decided what you are willing to live with. There is nothing wrong with loving an A. They are just as deserving of love as anyone else but keep in mind you will never be first in his life.... at best you will come in third. First will be himself 2nd his drinking then you. Nothing but nothing comes before the addiction. Take your time in deciding although he says to do it soon. You take the time you need to make the right decision for yourself. I wish you the best Blessings in recovery
When I mentioned staying away so that he might suffer some consequences, I didn't mean that in the sense to "teach him a lesson" or "learn to live without me". My sentiment & thoughts in that were based on what I've been reading. The belief system that we need to back off & let them experience the consequences of their own actions.
Everything seems so contradictory to me in this situation. Last night he had a terrible episode of drinking & I heard him on the phone for a minute before I ended up hanging up on him. After that, I sent him a text saying that I love him & I'm sorry he's having such a hard time right now. He does seem to be worse without me there. It almost sounds as though he may be having a psychotic-break. He was drunk & cussing me & driving. I could hear his car & how he was driving. At one point, it almost sounded like he had crashed.....Oh no. I took my shower & cried & screamed to God to keep him safe & not to take him away from me. It feels like part of me is dying because of how much I love this person.
What is confusing to me is this: In the alanon literature it states that a spouse cannot cure the disease, but that she could enable it's progression. If it is progressing in my absense, then is my detachment & separation enabling the progression of his disease?
I cant figure out at this point what is enabling or helping or what. It definitely has been decided by me that I cannot go back until he & I can have some symbolance of a rational/adult conversation.
