The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
On the day of my divorce court hearing, I decided to go alone. I had a few offers of support, but something told me I needed to go do this alone. My marriage had been one without much of a social life and I thought that in it's finality, I should be reminded of that fact. When I got there, wife was there with her sister - about the only person "we" ever hung out with (none of my family members were graced with the wife's attention or presence). Sister was babbling on about maybe let's do lunch when this is over. I didn't respond at all, but I'm thinking yeah - one of the benefits of this is I no longer have to pretend your stupid sister is the only person in the world worthy of having lunch with.
When the uncontested hearing was over I clarified "That's it? We're done?". I took the envelope with my papers in it, spun on my heel and walked out of the courtroom. I didn't look back. I felt that was a necessary statement to make, but it was for my own benefit. It was, like a friend pointed out, the Klingon ceremony of discommodation. It cracked me up to think that the three of us would go out to lunch like old times. Not that I had no emotion, but I had absolutely nothing to say - I was relieved it was over, and I had no interest in any goodbyes or platitudes of any kind. My life was ahead of me, not behind me.
It was 6 years before I found myself again in the presence of the X *and* her sister at the same time. That was actually an amicable exchange (on my daughter's front porch) although I pretty much ignored sister - patronizing her was no longer my job.
I remember an oldtimer in an AA meeting saying "Sometimes I'm grateful for what God has given me. But mostly I'm grateful for what he has taken away." On that day, he took away my responsibility to participate in the politics of my wife's family. She has made the occasional feeble attempt to suck me back in, but I've always stated that it's my choice who I want to associate with and how, and that I have no obligation. She gets it.
I recently found the one and only photo ever taken of all six of us as a family. Me, the ex wife, and her 4 kids (all adults in the photo). The relationship had only another year or so to live. I look at that picture of me, and it seems like someone I used to know in AA that was always talking about his problems. Every now and then, #1 stepdaughter will fill me in on the latest exploits of her extraterrestrial mother. But it just ain't my problem any more - I have my life to live, and whatever pieces of the old life remain are my choice to include or not. Which mainly includes #1stepdaughter and her family (which includes my precious now 16-year old DramaGoddess). And this is how I know it all wasn't a mistake, and why I have no regrets. I had to do it all to get where I am today, and I'm just fine with where I am today - just days away from celebrating one year married to the wonderful woman that I waited for, mostly believing she couldn't even exist.
I am so happy to hear about the good outcome of all this. It brought a smile to my face. I am also glad I don't have to deal with my ex's family anymore. What a relief.
Gosh Barisax, is it almost a year since you shared your wedding with us.....! I like what you say here and can relate as I am beginning to enjoy the freedom from some people that used to bind me. I didnt know I could release myself, or how, without causing hurt but this programme promotes loving detachment and it works! We do have choices and they are very freeing and empowering at times.
I often read posts here that touch me so deeply, that bring up such raw emotion, that I don't respond because I just don't know how. This is one of those posts, but I will do my best. You have no idea how important it was for me to read your story this morning.
I am three and a half years into my life outwardly falling apart. I have been working on getting divorced for two, but only half-heartedly, for I didn't know if I could emotionally handle the pain of the finality of it all. I am ready now, and we are in the final negotiation. I finally decided I have to make some concessions just to make it happen. I have to think of it as the dagger in my heart being pulled out so that I can be free, and heal, rather than being twisted and turned to cause more hurt. I have to let go of the fear and the control. I have to keep my mouth shut. I have to take the blame that continues to be hurled at me and let it bounce off. I can't allow myself to be hurt by him anymore. It is my life now, and I get to choose what I want to do with it.
To know that happiness with another person is not only possible, but that life can be better than ever imagined... that gives me hope. I want to feel be grateful for what God takes away so I can see and make room for the blessings to follow. I do hope this is the dark before the dawn. I am so happy to see you are running in the sunshine, Barisax. Thank You!
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Every new day begins with new possibilities. It's up to us to fill it with the things that move us toward progress and peace. ~ Ronald Reagan~
Sometimes what you want to do has to fail, so you won't ~Marguerite Bro~
When my X-wife and I split up, she moved out a month later, and then we just kind of did status quo for a while. My AA sponsor got all over me for not getting a lawyer and instigating divorce proceedings. He thought I was just biding my time hoping she'd change her mind, but I was quite certain that wouldn't happen. I actually don't remember why I didn't take any specific action at the time, but really it was only 3 months after she moved out that she got an attorney and filed for a no-fault divorce. The only point of contention was the value of the house. Her attorney inflated its estimated equity quite a bit and asked for half of it. I countered with something more reasonable, and they accepted. There was no property to fight over, no kids to have a custody battle over. She had run some charges on one of my credit cards, I didn't bother to dispute over that but used it as a concession. There was really no material battle at all. I just wanted it over with, and I'm glad she took the action when she did. I never did get an attorney. I had enough experience reading legalese to know what I was taking on. I could have insisted she pick up more of the debt load, but it wasn't that much money and would have just meant having to deal with and interact with her that much more.
I used the term discommodation because both of us had been Star Trek fans. In one episode, Worf accepts discommodation as "punishment" for a crime that his father had been wrongfully accused of. It consists of a group of people (family, officials, etc) surrounding the "victim" and ritually turning their back on him: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5c2etjMl3WM
When I told one of my friends (also a Trek fan, who knew my wife well) about the divorce hearing, he said "You discommodated her!" and I realized that the description was perfect - both the physical act, and what it symbolized.
I wish the rest of the years to follow had been that easy, or that succinct. They were not But I chose my path at that moment, and I did not waver from it no matter how painful. Perhaps the most important part of that decision was that I would not seek approval, validation, advice, solace, consolation, pity, aid, or any form of assistance physical, emotional, financial, or otherwise from this person - even if it was offered. It wasn't really, other than some condescending helpful suggestions, like how one of her friends lost 45 lbs on some new fad diet.. LOL. In order to free myself from control, I had to free myself from dependence. And in freeing HER from any burden, I let her be alone with her problems. Whatever has happened to her in the 16 years since we parted, she can't blame any of it on me! And the pain I felt was not her fault. It was the pain of growing up, the pain of being me... the pain of being imperfect and the anger of not being God. So what else is new.
I am also glad I don't have to deal with my ex's family anymore. What a relief.