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It was the 23rd day since I walked away from him. Got a call from him today and he sounded like very sad and all he wanted was to talk.But I can't talk to him because every time when I talk to him since we broke up, I just feel more upset and miserable. So what I did was to tell him that I can't talk to him as I will get sad and also re-emphasized the point that he and I are done: he broke his promise and I have given him enough chances so there is not much to talk about, the relationship is dead. He started crying and then he said he has to hang up.
After the call, it was the end of my sort of manageable day. I was very sad as I have to turn down his basic right of talking to me, I feel like I abandon him, I started worrying about whether he is eating properly, whether he is drinking horribaly, whether he has suicide attempts as he may think there is no way out. This is so torturing to think in these circles and I want to call him to give some comfort but I know it won't help him much and it would just add more risks that I would become soft to him and go back to his side...
I understand these feelings. I've had them myself also in leaving my exaH. Then I began wondering if he worried about me and our son? Did he worry about our lives and how broken they had become? Was any concern for our wellbeing keeping HIM up at night? I came to the conclusion that there was a profound "NO" at the end of each of those questions. I didn't want to be the only one with concern for others in the marriage/family/relationship. That keeps me from letting my nurturing impulses get ahead of me and do business with him anymore. It's not reciprocated and that doesn't work for me anymore.
MUTUAL, two way, thats healthy, it's horrible when the balance is all one sided, your doing great, try not to beat yourself up, it isn't easy we love deeply we care deeply, they know that, they try to hook us back in, stand strong think of you, your worth it, what ever he does or doesn't do is his choice, by letting him be your being very very kind!
I'm sorry you are hurting. Compassion and love can be as cruel as they are wonderful. I too felt I had abandoned my xah. At some point, and not in a vindictive way just realistic I realised he had abandoned himself and our life long before. In addition I had abandoned myself in order to take care of everything else. That way of life was slowly killing my core being, which did neither of us any good. In fact it did more harm.
It's ok to take care of you first. It's better than ok, it is essential
Totally understand your feelings of abandonment. My son is an addict lived at home. We gave him 5 years worth of promises and chances that he broke time after time. He is in jail right now and we have advised him he will not be coming home this time and it sickens me as of course he keeps trying to get us to change our minds and we have to constantly have to remind him our decision stands. I don't know how i will have the strenght to follow through once he is out of jail but I do know he feels we have abandoned him and I can't help but feel the same. But reality is we have done all we can and nothing has worked. In fact of course it got worse. If we want to regain any sort of sanity in our lives we have to let him go and pray that HP will take care of him. So you are not alone
Boundaries sometimes mean we can't talk to people who are behaving self destructively. The abandonment is one way, he abandoned himself and then expected you to take responsibility for him. Addicts are very very good at doing this.
I had a 7 year relationship with an addict/ alcoholic. After I left him I kept in contact and was overinvolved for many months. Eventually I got to a space where I had nothing left to say. There is a time when you will know what that is. In the meantime you do not have to torture yourself that he is not taking care of himself. He's responsible for that you are not. We advocate the three C's, we didn't cure it, we can't control it and we certainly didn't cause it. When I embrace that my boundaries are crystal clear. I may not like having really strong boundaries around alcoholics and addicts (who are not in recovery) at the same time without them I am absolutely sunk.
Yes, I was not understanding your comment when you said " Even though I was turning down his basic right to talk to me".
We are the ones that get to decide who we want to communicate with and who we dont! You are trying to set boundaries and establish your life. What you did was fine.
Dont be made to feel guilty about wanting to be free from the disease of alcoholism.
They make the decision to drink and we make the decisions that are best for our lives.
I feel as if i am headed down the same road with my 29 yr old son. He has been in Rehab twice and lives in our apartment next to our house. I have made be responsible and pay rent the past year which he has been living there. But, he recently had a breakup with his gf and is drinking again. So afraid he will lose his job again and will have not source of income to pay rent. I know that I should treat him as any other renter and evict him if he cannot pay but it sure is hard. My strength comes from hp and I hope I can stand strong.
