The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Brief backhround, 1st boyfriend at 14 stayed involved thru controlling abusiveness until I was 20 along with the beginning signs of his addictions which came later and I have been witness to by being his friend still. Three dates with 3 people and involved with my ex husband, an A and addict, stayed thru the worst of the worst of Aism except physical abuse for 15 years. Divorced for a year, 2 dates with 2 men and involved with A number 3, I was quicker this time 6 months later I ended it, we are still friends. Now 3 1/2 years divorced, no dating no relationship of any kind in almost 2 years.
Today ... I have been having urges to date again. I vowed not to until I feel ready. The last couple of weeks I have been trying to decipher where this urge to start dating has come from. I know I liked being married, an individual within a couple I guess. But I don't really want to be in a couple, I fully enjoy not having to check in with anyone, I enjoy rearranging my furniture 8 times in 7 days without it annoying anyone but me and maybe the moostiff (and it probably should annoy someone to walk into chaos 8 times in 7 days), I like bringing home another rescue furball without checking with anyone, I like freedom, I like not dealing with anyone else's moods but my own.
My light bulb moment ... I am tired of finding stuff to like about myself. I want to be lazy and see it mirrored back to me from someone else for a little while (and not in that friend, family way). And I want the rush of finding what I like about someone else instead of having to look at myself. And in this I find a key to my continuous ability to overlook and ignore red flags and gut feelings and my high tolerance for pain .... I endure that to get my fix. Guess I am not ready yet <sigh but with a smile>
Jen
Sorry in advance if offensive to anyone but I have to get it out of my system ... I am also pretty PO'd that at 38 and I fully believe the height of sexual hormones not to mention having feeling below the waist and in my legs for the first time in at least a year (due to Devic's Syndrome) that some lucky fella and I are missing out on what could be a whole lot of fun.
-- Edited by Jennifer on Wednesday 7th of July 2010 10:25:50 PM
-- Edited by Jennifer on Thursday 8th of July 2010 08:04:27 AM
Hi Jen I think relationships come in time. As with everything if we try to force solutions it all goes wrong.
For me it was really important to have a break form relationships and to get to know who I am. Unless I can love myself for who I am I don't stand a chance of honestly having a relationship. There would always be a hidden agenda.
But Higher Power is watching out for all of us individually. He has ceratinly made everything right for me. There is always hope.
Have you worked the step program with a sponser yet? Step 4 for me was VERY enlightening.
Fantastic you're getting better from devics syndrome. I'm going to have to ggogle it to find out what it is
I was single and lived alone for 6 years before getting together with my ABF last October. I went to college and worked on ME and slept with my cats and wore my pjs except for when I was at school or work. It was clear that he was the one I had been waiting for when we got back in touch with one another!......and that I had done so much work on myself that I was definitely ready for love!
He showed no signs of being a fixer-upper except that he told me he had bad credit and that he USED to be an alcoholic. ?!#@&?
Wait a minute?
Oooops. Maybe I should have listened to what he was trying to tell me.
He and I had been roommates years earlier and I had gotten a doll from him at 3 years old because he had a crush on me.........and I KNEW him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
There was no WAY he USED to be an alcoholic!!! Silly boy!
WRONG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The difference might be that you have been working on your steps of codependency and how to break your cycle. I guess I wasn't. I was working on other things I guess.
It is OK to love. You deserve it!
Just listen to your natural instincts and don't ignore the signs of disaster when they are posted in front of you. The signs WILL appear if they are there and it so much easier to ignore them in order to get what feels good at the time, but you have learned and you have seen and you KNOW by now what they are.
Hopefully I will be able to not ignore them next time.
Good luck in finding your strong, stable, healthy person to love!....the kind that will be able to love you back!
lol you goof. Hey I am 57 and have "those" feelings! I want to be married to the fortunate man though!
AND girl you will be seen by a man and he will LOVE you becuz you bring home kittens and have a moosedog. Becuz you like to where a big mans shirt and long underwear,watch tv and pig out on popcorn!
But also he will like you when you come out in a sexy nightgown!
That is when I know I am ready or was ready. I don't want anyone who does not love me for me.
If I don't feel real well I will sit on my recliner with a half a dozen dogs all day. Or if I don't feel like cooking, he cooks.
I know I loved my AH becuz he snored, even when we went to the movies! I liked it when he was in his jammie bottoms with his big robe and slippers. I loved it when he goofed around and pulled his sweats up to his chest....lol
and I liked how he was always so sweet, good kisser and it was always like the first time even though it had been over 35 years.
I know how you feel. But there are guys who like to bring home yet another tool, or drag home some ugly trailor to fix up.
You should see my living room right now. There are little blankets, dog toys, dog chew bones, socks MY SLIPPER, a bowl with water mostly in it, a bowl with puppy chow in it. i just reached down and there is a half chewed marrow bone next to me on my recliner and Happy my black poodle is next to me chewing up my paper!
lol Plus there are two box turtles in their environ, a black plastic cement mixing pan on top of my nice antique buffet.
so you move furniture, you will always keep things interesting!
Hey once a guy fell in love with me becuz I was carrying kittens around in my front pack....You be you! Love you just how you are, and someone else will too.
I do understand. Try being 60 years old and free and no one to share it with. My AHsober left five years ago as our youngest son left for college. "We" could be running around the house naked, taking trips together, counting our money for retirement. But that's not happening. I felt great because I didn't have to worry about getting pregnant or my "womanly". Free at last and he leaves. Go figure.
It is unsettling to know that something inside me will throw an impulse so strong that is almost purely motivated in taking my focus off myself and putting it on someone else. Two positives 1. I spent time looking at my motives and found they were not just a pure get out there and socialize impulse before making a move 2. In some ways I can relate that impulse to find a distraction to my xah's relapses I've never recognised a desire to escape or run from myself before. There are a few things that have been dificult to forgive that may be possible with this knowledge. I am not concerned with getting a relationship or even really with love. There are many things about relationships in regards to compromise that I am not inclined to do at the moment. Not to mention in a month or so I will be back to 40 a week at work and another 40 in school, the time that remains is alotted to the rescues, Sully and family and friends ... oh yeah sleep too.
Mon, I do need step work, or restep work. My sponsor relocated and I have not found the right fit with anyone yet. I do trust HP will put the right people in my path. Devic's is similar to MS but affects the optic nerve, spinal cord and brain stem. It has caused vision loss and periods of pain or loss of sensation. I'm grateful I seem to keep repeating the same symptoms and not progressing in debilitating ways that some people do.
Nalina, Fixerupper made me laugh. I don't think I actually knew what being an alcoholic meant. I knew my xah had had some times of overuse when we were younger, to be honest I was so uninterested in alcohol and drugs that someone not being able to stop never really crossed my mind nor did the destruction and pain it can cause. Live and learn. I hope you enjoyed your meeting and wore your pj's if you felt like it
Oh geez Deb and Nancy, your posts popped up while I was trying to whittle my way thru my befuddled thoughts LOL You both made me laugh. Thank you.
Deb, I could have swore you were describing my living room. Add a drooled on delivery pizza box, minus the poodle eating paper, add fresh catnip and 5 yes 5 nipoholics rolling around, minus the slippers (a visiting boston/pug mix hid them in the backyard and I can not see them to find them).
Seems years ago my HP took me serious when I stared at the sky and said 5 is enough I can not handle any more than 5 rescue cats. Well I lost the last of that original 5 earlier this year and kaboom guess who somehow aquired a total of 5 needy meowing furballs in a couple months. I'm saying it again ... 5 is all I can handle right now LOL
I know when the time is right and the person is right all will fall into place, my struggle is not letting my impulse push me into a not good situation again. Working on myself, looking at my motives, taking my inventory comes first.
Nancy, I know from your reply you really understand. I envy "free at last" at times, working with women who are my mentors and guidance in these matters we have renamed the buggers horrormones.
The visions of what our futures could have been or should be are hard to look at sometimes. I had images of children and eventually being back to just myself and my xah. He even joked about the chasing me around naked at 80 like his grandparents, who got caught doing just that LOL Somehow the images of him barely able to stand up straight and walk that last year we lived together is so far from the vision of being chased at 80 it is hard to remember that is the same person. I like your term .... go figure.
