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Hello everyone, I posted a few day's ago about the death of my mother. She was found dead in her house last Wednesday & was estimated by the medical examiner to have been dead for at least a week. The poor woman was so enslaved by the bottle that she had lost nearly everyone who loved her. My sister had blocked her calls after receiving repeated drunken messages, my dad had left her once the drinking became 24 hours a day and I had avoided her & let all her calls go through to voice mail. I hadn't seen her in 7 months, though I had talked to her several times (and called her a few days before her death). Now that the horrific pain of feeling her absence (strange since I hardly ever saw her) has subsided a little bit, I am filled with an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Why didn't we do more? We never did an intervention. We never got together as a family and confronted her. I wrote her a letter once (and it was received with anger) and my dad drove her to day rehab multiple times...but still - I said to my husband on many occasions that "my mother is killing herself." If I KNEW that, why didn't I DO SOMETHING?? I know it's probably not logical to think this way. Maybe I just need to hear that. I still reach out hoping to feel her hand grasp mine, to let me know it's ok. I just hate myself for knowing that she was dying - for knowing it 100% - and for not doing something to save her. She was sick. I thank you all again for your support on my previous post and for listening to me. Your words have helped more than you will know. Thank you so much. Robin
I said to my husband on many occasions that "my mother is killing herself." If I KNEW that, why didn't I DO SOMETHING??
(((minawillie))) there was NOTHING you could have done.
No matter how hard you tried. I've tried so many times and so many different things to make them stop and I just go insane trying because nothing does work. There are 3 C's in Alanon:
we didn't cause it,
we can't cure it,
and we can't control it.
I hope you can get to some face to face meetings and also maybe look into getting the book "Opening Our Hearts, Transforming Our Losses" it's really good!
-- Edited by Melissa21 on Wednesday 7th of July 2010 08:16:17 PM
__________________
"Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip." Will Rogers
I am so very sorry for your loss and the pain caused by reflecting back and judging your actions. This disease is relentless in the amount of suffering it imparts.
One of the biggest gifts I received from alanon was the understanding of how important it is to stop judging and critcizing myself and others and to "forgive" always.
Forgive others if they have hurt me and to forgive myself if I believe I made a mistake.
Alcoholism is a cunning disease over which we have NO Control. In the 3 years that my son relapsed he had numerous interventons, detoxs and rehabs and in the end he passed away in his home in his sleep. H P is in control and remember You did the best you could with what you knew at the time.
Please let go of judging yourself and each time the thought comes to mind, say the serenity prayer.
Grieving is a difficult journey so please keep on sharing and being gentle with yourself.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 7th of July 2010 10:00:38 PM
Robin - I hope you can read & take Melissa's words to heart - the three C's are equally applicable in death, as they were in life.... If you could have "caused, cured, or controlled" your mother's drinking, sobriety, happiness, etc. - then you are truly unique, as none of us can..... :)
The reality is that your mother chose her path, and the ugly disease claims yet another victim... The sad & undignified circumstances around her actual passing are consequences of these choices & lifestyle that she ultimately chose...
Grief is a complex thing, even without the added burden of addiction..... Please be gentle on you...
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome to MIP and I'm very sorry that you lost your mom. I can really relate to the guilt feelings you are having. I have felt them many times when my AH was alive and also when he died. In my early posts here, I said, I believe he may die from this disease. Others replied to say yes he may, that is between him and his HP and you are not his HP. I struggled with that knowledge and tried many many times to take control back. To pretend somehow that I was his HP - each and every thing I tried to "just do something, anything" to save his life failed. So for me, even though I tried everything in the book, including emotional blackmail to get him to inpatient rehab twice, I eventually learned that guilt assumes I'm responsible for it. I'm not.
My AH also died alone after I had been away for a few weeks. This horrified me and knocked me down on my behind. Why? All I can believe is HP did not want me present. I don't know why. But I know my AH knew in every fibre of his being that my love was/is with him.
You've gotten some good feedback already. I'm not certain I could add anything new. I would like to assure you that you could not have done anything to save your mother. It was up to her.
I recently divorced my AH of 36 years. Like so many spouses of alcoholics, I did everything under the sun to try to control his drinking. I drove myself practically insane for years. Finally, I realized (and accepted) that I have no control over his choices. I also finally realized it was not my fault.
One of my adult sons and I were talking on the phone tonight. He had driven his dad to the DUI school to drop him off. His dad had been drinking earlier and it was evident. My son decided to say nothing to his dad about the drinking for the first time and let him suffer the consequences. If those at the school picked up on his condition, then, oh well, he will pay the consequence. My son also told me that he was preparing for his dad to either be sentenced to jail or prison someday due to another DUI or burying him. It's that bad.
Those of us who have loved ones like this can do is take care of ourselves. Otherwise, we will go down with them. What's the point?
Please let go of the guilt, which is not warranted and reach out for help.
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
Again so sorry for your loss. Why didn't you do anything? Hon there was nothing on this earth you or anyone else could do. We are just not that powerful. My son is an addict, he wasn't raised this way. His dad and I don't drink or do drugs although we both come from highly addictive families. When our children were young we moved 3 states away purposely to remove them from that chaotic life style. We vowed we were going to do so much better for our children than our parents did for us. We were very involved parents, supported our children in school, athletics and anything they were passionate about. We really thought we had beat this disease, weren't going to pass it on. Yet here we are today with a 21 yr old addict. I can tell you I have countlessly relived every aspect of my sons life. Where did we go wrong, what did we do wrong, why would he feel the need to turn to drugs and on and on. I can drive myself crazy on some days asking myself all those things. With no answer. Except I do believe genetics play a big part. We have begged, pleaded, cried, negotiated, bribed anything we could think of to get him to get help. His friends ( even those who use drugs) have begged him to get help. In the end he does what he wants. Nothing we say or do will ever make a difference, he has to get there on his own. And as a parent I grieve for what this disease has stolen from him. It is stealing his youth it may steal his life and I am powerless to stop it. The only thing I can do now is not feed the disease anymore. Stop cushioning his bottom. And I am well aware that for some bottom is death. And that is my worst nightmare. I am sure throughout her illness your mother was confronted numerous times by everyone. Interevntion only works if the person is ready for recovery. Please be easy on yourself, none of this is your fault in any way. It is a cunning and baffling disease. We beat ourselves up because we know there is a cure but the person has to want the cure and if they don't want it we feel it must be our fault somehow. I hate this disease with a passion. But I love my son unconditionaly. Know that under any circumstances it is normal to grieve for a loved one and we all grieve in our own way, this is the only disease I can think of where we blame ourselves for the effects it has on others. Let yourself grieve for the loss of your mother but know in your heart you were not respondsible. Blessings to you
I am so sorry for your loss ,and no u are not to blame there was nothing u could have done to save her .. i am sure u have had many conversations with mom regarding her drinking , your fears and concern for her in the past nothing worked she still drank. For your sake I am glad u kept in touch with her by phone and had called a few days before she passed away u have nothing to feel guilty about. She has no more pain now . again am sorry for your loss .. please if your not already start attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself even tho she has passed away your life has been profoundly affected by alcoholism and u too need to recover . ((((((((( hugs )))))))))
Thank you again, everyone. It is a shame that this horrible disease has to be the reason that we've all found each other...but I'm glad we have found each other. Thank you. I hope one day, when I've crawled out of my dark place, I can be of help to someone the way you all have been a help to me. Best, Robin
