Help - Al-Anon Family Group

rpendler · Newbie

Help

Simba · Veteran Member

You are not alone. My A did the exact same thing rehab... resentment... financial ruin. The disease has taken nearly everything from us but I have found hope and support here (Al-ANON). Know this you are not alone. It was one of the hardest things I ever did; to reach out and ask for help and I am pretty sure that it has saved my life and brought me serenity. Keep coming back.

Peace,

David

-- Edited by Simba on Wednesday 7th of July 2010 02:33:59 PM

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Rich Welcome to AlAnon and MIP

You have taken a big step by reaching out and asking for help!!!Alanon and this Board have been set up to assist those of us who live of have lived with the cunning disease of alcoholism.

The situation and resentments that you describe are very familiar to me and many who have lived with this disease. Alanon believes that alcoholism is a disease that we did not cause it , cannot control it and cannot cure it. The best we can do is learn to take care of ourselves in a positive manner and learn to let go of our destructive ways of interacting with others. That is the power that alanon and this Board imparts.

In order to find sanity, and peace of mind I urge you to try alanon and keep coming here and posting. Alanon face to face meetings can be found in each community

By going to the following link:

http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html

And placing your cursor over about us in the upper left of the screen, 3 more pull downs open. One of these is information for the newcomer, and the second is Al-Anon for you; both have good information.

Another good place on the Internet to find out about Al-Anon on the Internet is at Online Al-Anon Outreach at:

http://www.ola-is.org/

We have on line meetings here 2xs a day and a chat room open 24/7. It is important for your recovery to reach out and know that you are not alone and that there is HOpe and Help!!

Keep coming back

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha Rich...Don't run away...you have found home for what you are going thru there
is family here that know what your shoes feel like and how to walk in them so there
is tons of help for you here and a lot of it from guys who know what you are feeling,
talking about, thinking about and doing...so don't run, sit down and listen, take notes
and building up the courage, followup on the suggestions you hear. Your life like
David just mentioned will change for the better whether your alcoholic is still drinking
or not. If you have reached the point where you have been jailed as a consequence
of a reaction to her drinking...hang around because you have crossed some boundaries
that might not have been crossed had you not found help earlier. Sorry but jail time
and incarcerations are apart of the journery.

Go to the white pages of your local telephone book and look up the hotline number
for Al-Anon and call it. If there is no live person on the other end there may be a
recording that tells you where the next meetings are and at what times. Write it
all down and get to the very first one you can get to. Go early, there will be a chair
waiting for you, look over the literature table and get as much as you can...often the
pamphlets such as "So you love an alcoholic wife" are free others are moderately
priced and are daily readers.   When the meeting starts sit down and with as open
as a mind as you can muster...get silent and listen, listen, listen. If they ask you
what brought you there tell them and watch the heads nod...They have and we have
lived it with you and know how to change the course of it for ourselves.   There might
not be a thing you can do for your wife.   Lord knows you have tried everything you
thought you had power to do and it failed and maybe you tried stuff that got you
put in jail and that failed...she is still drinking, using, drinking and using, using and
drinking some more, always drinking more ad nauseam.   Only she can stop and
she will stop when she has had enough and willing like you to get help or she
goes completely insane and dies.   Alcoholism is a disease...a fatal one if it is not
arrested by total abstinence.

You are here now...We are called Miracles in Progress and not that you are here
you are also in progress.   Keep coming back and keep reaching out cause that is
how anyone knows you need and want help.

(((((hugs))))) smile

maresie · ~*Service Worker*~

If you go to the top of this page, there is an offer for a free book, Getting them Sober. I think that book is a great start for dealing with resentments. We all have them. I was once absolutely toxic with resentment. I work through them daily and some of them never go away. I think they go along with being around an alcoholic.

I'm glad you are here.

Maresie.

rpendler · Newbie

Thanks everyone

RLC · ~*Service Worker*~

Richard,

Welcome and glad you are here. You found the right place and you don't have to be alone anymore.

I have been where you are many times with a stomach full of resentments. Dwelling on them over and over as I felt my stomach turn over and over. Being crazy....sick and tired.... not knowing which way to turn....counting empty cans....wondering what I could do to make her stop....hoping she would get stopped by the police and taken to jail....the list could go on and on. You are still one up on me....I never went to jail. But you probably never cut your index finger wide open on a piece of glass digging through the kitchen garbage counting empty beer cans late at night, something only and insane person would be doing. I didn't have to go to jail for that, but I did have to go to the doctor to get stitches.

Why do I tell you all those thoughts and situations I went through?.....I wanted you to understand you are no different from any of us. You are and have been effected by the disease of alcoholism. You can get better and live a better life whether your wife chooses to or not. As others have said you can find the help you need in the rooms of Al-Anon.

I noticed in you Bio you are retired Air Force. We have a member in my Al-Anon group who is your age and also retired Air Force. His wife passed away from the disease two years ago. He related a story in one of our meetings about the time he told his wife that they suffered from the "Triangle Effect".....He told her....he loved her....she loved alcohol...and alcohol didn't love either one of them....a sad but true analogy....something we can all relate to.

Richard do the absolute best thing you can do for yourself...jump in the program with both feet. I did almost four years ago and it's the best thing I ever did for myself. Even though your wife is sober your life has been effected by this cunning, baffling, powerful disease. Get the help you need.

Concerning resentments.....I came to realize through working this program that at the end of the day the only person effected by resentments was the person who harbored them.........Me.

Keep coming back....get involved in the program....and don't forget ....you are not alone anymore

HUGS,
RLC

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Rich and welcome , the first thing I would do is find an Al-Anon meeting u need support and u will find it in our program .. resentments are killers , u simply cant afford them in our program u will learn how to deal with them in a healthy way anger helps no one .. she is sober that is a bonus .. the finanical stuff will work its way out eventually we had a part in this mess , in my case Isimply let it all happen and then got po'd when it all hit the fan .
the best way for me to support our alcoholics sobreity is to have my own program, and stay out of thier stuff ,the shame and guilt she carries will take time to heal as will your resentments .. easy does it , enjoy the sober days any sober day is better than a drunk one .. until u find a local meeting we havethem here on this site , 9am and pm eastern time hope to see u there .

Nalina · Veteran Member

Seeing someone you love be soooo sick will make a person angry and heart-broken.
Last week, I busted open my hand on a mirror and SHOULD have gotten stitches.
I was angry and hurt that he left to go BACK to the bar for more alcohol.
My pinky knuckle was taken off to the bone.
Now that the mirror is gone, there is no longer anything covering the holes that he had punched in the door a few months ago while he was drunk.
It was insane of him to drink so much that he punched holes in the door, it was insane of me to cover the holes up with a mirror, and it was also insane of me to bust my hand open because of his drinking.
My ABF is no longer the only crazy person it seems and I am normally an extremely even-keeled, mild-mannered person.

You are not alone.

I'm very much looking forward to going to my first face to face meeting tomorrow, so that I might start to get my head back on straight.

Maybe you could try it to? My mom is going with me for support.

Sweet Stanley · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome. You will find support, sympathy, encouragement, and experience here. Get to an Alanon meeting. They mentioned the book listed above "Getting them Sober". I read it and it was so helpful to me. It gave me a greater understanding of this disease and the consequences of what it does. The anger and resentments will get better, it just takes time. Life is a journey and you just started a new one. One day at a time....

rpendler · Newbie

Thanks, that really helped.

xeno59 · ~*Service Worker*~

Rich....... welcome and glad you found us
first I would like to say again what Jerry told you.... Don't run away
When I first walked thru the doors of alanon I thought I would find a quick fix for my son who is an addict, when I found it was for me I almost didn't return and that would have been very bad for me. I literally hit my bottom when I got here and had no where else to turn. No one else except those in alanon could possibly understand what I was going thru. Friends were well meaning but they didn't know what it felt like to pretty much have the cops at your door almost consistently, or watch thier kid stumble around the house high as a kite, or have to call 911 for all the overdoses, or have your neighbors come over to tell you your kid is up at the shopping center being taken away either by ambulance or police sheesh I could go on and on.
Husband and I did everything we knew screamed, cried, begged, negotiated, locked him out again could go on and on.
And whew talk about resentment all we could see was what our son was "doing to us". I would stay awake for days at a time to watch him so he didnt die or burn down the house. i was so anxiety ridden I wouldnt eat for days. I had resentment so bottled up inside me it came out in all the screaming and threats. I felt like a piece of crap mother for saying some of the things I said to my son. A few years earlier everyone who knew me would have told you I was a model mother then all of a sudden I was feeling hatred towards my own son. for whom I would lay down my life for.
One day ( just another typical day in chaos) I jumped up in my sons face and was screaming at him. He just stood there and took it and I looked in his eyes and saw the most incredible pain I have ever seen in anyone. My son was in such pain and I never saw it.
Never saw that he wasn't doing "anything to us" he was numbing seriously a pain I have never seen the depths of. He was doing it to himself. Turning to drugs to forget what ever pain he was feeling deep down and I was only adding to it. It made me physically ill to realize that my son was seriously sick. And it wasnt him I hated or resented but the disease.
I had to separate the two. I had to learn that when I talked to him even when he was sober I was talking to a disease not to my son. I had to learn that I couldn't expect him to act any differently than what he was... an addict. I had to learn that pretty much anything that came out of his mouth was a lie. And to trust what my insticnts told me and what my eyes were seeing not what he was telling me.
I had to face the fact that his disease will do anything to get what it wants.
Alanon helped me work through all these things and I can honestly say that without this program I would be dead or locked away some where.
So please Don't run away from the people who know all to well what you are going through and the support they can give you or the tools alanon will give you in order to restore some sort of sanity back into your life.
You have already taken a huge step by getting out of denial and reaching out for help. And don't underestimate the impact you may have on others in the program. Your story may be just what someone needs to hear. I get something out of every share when I sit back and listen and learn.
Blessings to you and hope to see you soon

nmike · ~*Service Worker*~

(((((Rich)))))

Welcome to MIP! Your have come to the right place. If you look at the top of the page it says Alcoholism is a family disease. And that is an understatement. Alanon helps alot. Post here, go to face to face meetings, read the literature, get a sponsor, and keep coming back.

In support,
Nancy

never going back · Senior Member

Welcome ((((Rich)))
I am fairly new here myself and can only hope that you find the same encouragement, advice, and love that I have found since coming to this site. The people here are wonderful and knowledgable and have been a great source of comfort and strength for me. Please keep coming back and letting us know how things are going for you.

Love from Denise

_______

"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.