The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
During all my time with the exA I dreaded holidays. I felt left out, abandoned and neglected. I did not have the tools then to simply take care of myself.
This July 4th I had a simple peaceful time. One reason was that the roommate who has the worst alcohol problem has disappeared. Normally I would take it on as my personal responsibility to "care"about him. I would also be speculating a great deal about what happened to him. I don't know right now and I am leaving it at that. Meantime I am enjoying the peace and quiet.
I was not sure if some other roommates were having a barbecue (which they didn't invite me to). I made a point of not finding out. I made a point of not knowing. I made a point of not enquiring. I made a point of not being interested,invested and hypervigilant. I spent years with the ex A being jealous and obsessed about places he went with his friends and family I would not want to go in a million years. I felt I missed out on some fantasy I believe.
I have very little money at the moment and feel pretty alone. Recently I met a man who I would normally have jumped to be in a relationship with ( he even went out of his way to help me one night when I really needed help). For once I have operated with caution rather than desperation. My needs no longer rule me. I am certainly lonely and need help. I no longer have to jump at the notion of getting it. When I discovered this man had drug issues and moreover quite a bit of chaos in his life (which he didn't take any responsibility for) I simply let go. I didn't feel betrayed, I didn't even feel anger or disappointment. I could just let go and make a decision without desperation being involved. All that work on detachment does pay off.
I didn't have the greatest 4th. I hope to have better ones. At the same time I didn't make it into a catastrophe either.
Aloha Maresie and Mahalo for that "how it works" share. Sounds like it came right out of the manual. It got me to agree..."So this is how it works when we work it". We don't get to sell it...just give it away for free. Thanks again. (((((hugs)))))
Thank you for this truly honest insightful share. It is so true, we have choices an even if we cannot make a grand special holiday, we can take care of ourselves, not create chaos and misery and that is a big miracle!!!
I too had a simple quiet 4th and you know what, that was a great Holiday !!!!
I think that holidays are hard whether it is Christmas or the 4th. We put so much into with family or friends. Then, when you find yourself without many family or friends around it is hard. My sons were with me and that was great. However, I am always relieved when the big holidays are over and we can downsize what we do.
At one time this kind of a holiday would have felt insufferable to me. I was so full of should, could would. I am able to accept where I am today. I can't say I like it there is room for lots of improvement. I do not miss the drama one iota.
