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Hello all.. haven't posted in a while but have been lurking. All is as well as can be with an A who is trying to control his drinking. I detach, detach, detach and basically remove myself (and the kids) from his presence when he is drinking. Not too hard when we are at home, because he does most of his drinking at the neighbours in the garage, and sometimes in our detached garage.
My request from ESH comes from a family vacation that we have planned to go away on a camping trip. I have rented a trailer and are planning to take the kids to a provincial park where there will be other children for them to play with and lots of swimming/hiking etc. I would like to request ESH on possible boundaries and how to set them.. I toyed with the idea of saying "I expect no drinking on this trip or we won't go" but then I realized that that is a boundary placed on him, and I can't control or police what he does while we are there. He would promise that, and still drink in all likelihood, so why even go there. Instead I am toying with the idea of telling him that he should pack a tent to set up because if he has been drinking the boundary that I am setting is that he is not staying in the trailer with us.. That way, if he is out late at night wandering the campsites, I can feel at peace knowing the kids and I are settled down for the night safe and sound and he can stumble into his tent whenever he pleases.
However, I also feel like I would be enabling, knowing that we would be around him having family fun while he drinks beer at the campsite. I felt a bit like this this weekend when we went to our cottage. He drank 12 tall boys in under 24hours and I never said a thing about it. He was well behaved (no anger/arguments), the kids had fun, so I let it go, thinking about the 3 C's. But part of me thinks that I made it easy for him to drink, as he had company while he did it, and got to enjoy our family time. I don't know which part of my mind to listen to... I am leaning toward the first side of me that says I con't control it, don't focus on it, if he is going to drink he is going to drink regardless of whether he was with us or on his own, but don't allow bad behaviour to impact me. I set the boundary in my mind that if it got out of control, I would pack the kids and leave for home, leaving him to find his own way home... That never happened and in the end we had a fun family weekend, with no arguements that the kids will remember as good times.
But then my mind races about the week long camping trip. What if he behaves badly and starts making a scene? Then I will need to pack up and leave, and that will hurt the kids. I would also probably have to deal with a 4 plus hour ride home with him in a huff. I suppose I could make him leave and find another way home.., but not sure I could follow thorugh with just leaving him on the side of the road with the kids watching as we drive away. Or, I could make him leave (taxi? call a friend?), and the kids and I could remain. I made sure my name only is on the trailer rental and the campsite.. But how do I make him leave if he is causing a problem? I suppose if he got angry enough my HP would take care of it as someone on the site next door would likely call the police based on how loud he sometimes gets.... Should I speak with him about this in advance and suggest he take a second vehicle up? Broaching this topic may also be like setting off a powder keg. Or, do I just Let Go and Let god and take it one day at a time and not worry about this at all, as it may never happen. He could behave all week long and we would not have an issue... I'm soooo confused.
ESH on how everyone has handled this is the past is MUCH appreciated...
I don't have much experience with this so I am eager to hear what other people have to say.
What I do have experience with is that A's will drink, no matter what the promises or boundaries. It looks as if you're planned for this, but you're trying to think of what to do if he gets sloppy drunk, noisy, disruptive, etc.
For me, worrying about it would be so stressful (not to mention that it would be so stressful when he did it) that I'd take the kids without him. I know that might not be a practical solution for you. That's just me -- I find it nervewracking waiting to see if my time is going to be disrupted and if I'm going to have to make difficult choices when I'm supposed to be having a good time. I'd rather just know I'm going to have an easy-going time.
I, too, eagerly await the wisdom of others on this. We will be going away in a month to take our oldest son to college for the first time. I believe that my gameplan will be to plan well for the family's needs (which I already have begun), and to take my meditation tools and Al-Anon literature with me. Thankfully, we will not be too isolated and our children are older, so I can keep them busy in the hotel pools and hiking.
Another gameplan I will map out for myself is to have computer access for my nightly Al-Anon meeting here on the MIP website. I will also take my journal and healthy foods in a cooler. I plan to continue to remember the three C's and do a gratitude list every day in my journal.
Would love to hear from the wise ones.
-- Edited by punkydoodah on Monday 5th of July 2010 09:30:21 PM
__________________
PunkyJen
Abe Lincoln said, "Most people are just as happy as they make up their minds to be."
Another favorite: "Every minute is another chance to turn it around."
Well, this is a tough one. I've been on several vacations with my active AH where I thought, I hope he doesn't drink. Or maybe I can make him not drink? But I realized that if my AH was active at home, he would be active on vacation. I'm not sure I could have a credible boundary in one place and not another. I had to be comfortable that my AH was gonna be my AH and behave consistently. The issue wasn't the vacation, it was what was ok with me at home. On other occassions, when I knew my serenity couldn't handle having my AH with me, I went on vacation without him. I think in setting a boundary, the consequence isn't what you expect the AH to do, the consequence is something you will do for yourself if the boundary is crossed. Otherwise, the boundary is actually an ultimatum.
(((((Missy))))) I could hear all of the egg shells and pieces of glass under your shoes on that one. I saw all the projection and fortune telling that I use to do in situations like this myself and I heard a former sponsor's voice telling me..."If you're gonna what if this and that to stay balanced you have to "what if not this and that." If it doesn't all happen what kind of vacation are you having with all the unmet expectations?
I like Rocky's last sentence and it use to be what I counseled when working with the families of alcoholics and addicts. If he knows (and he does by now) there will be consequences its best if he doesn't know what they will be. Any alcoholic worth their salt with manipulation can always decide ahead of time if the drunk will be worth it.
Just from my experience. You can't get there from here cause you haven't arrived.
This is a one day at a time deal , you cant forcast the future or plan for it . You can have a plan B ready if he drinks too much u can ask him to sleep in the tent .. you pack it just in case , or maybe one of the kids would want to sleep in it anyway. Asking an alcoholic to not drink is like waving a red flag at a bull , waste of time . Go enjoy and remember that your not responsible for his behavior , if he makes an ass out of himself at the camp site so be it.. you can keep busy with the kids swimming hiking boating , enjoy
Why not take a tent FOR YOU if you cannot deal with the behavior?
In my E, setting up a boundary based on someone's unctonrllable behavior is a recipe for confrontation.
a. take your emergency tent b. be prepared to leave him there if it gets too bad c. don't take him in the first place
or
d. set up a battel of wills, put him in the center of attention, act surprised when he drinks, have a fight, or ten, get the kids good and upset, rally support from other campers, make a few scenes, go home fuming with resentments...
Try not to futurize. You can't control it. My AHsober was a pain on family vacations. He would decide how far we were going to drive, where to put the tent, what museum he was going to see, etc. I would try to negotiate before we went and alternate the decisions. There will be other families there having the same problem with their A's. The kids will probably know when he gets out of hand. Plans change. Have as much fun as you can. You can always camp in your backyard.
Thanks to all of you for your words of wisdom.. I can feel the tension spring in my mind unwinding as I read all your ESH. One day at a time it will be (with the emergency tent on board for plan B). HP will take care of the rest!
