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I know my question is not alcohol related but I was hoping that someone could give me insight into an issue with my Mother that has become increasingly a problem.
My Mother will be 85 in October, I know that she is getting old, and losing her memoryI have always worked to be respectful of my Mother , me and both my brothers are always there for her.
The older she gets , the more resentful she gets of me, she favors my brothers and seems to dislike me. On a trip to Italy last Oct. she fell and fractured both her arms, I took care of her as much as I could, both her arms were in a cast. I had to feed her , etc., My Mom was also in love with another man, not my Dad, even though she stayed married for over 55 years. Her lifetime love lived in Italy. Finally after many years they were reunited after the death of their spouses and they lived in Italy for a few years till he died of pancreatic cancer.
I know she was saddened by his death and felt it all ended too soon, instead of being grateful for the time they had together. When we left Italy, I took the clothes from her suitcase and put it in mine, because, I couldnt carry all that luggage and she couldnt either. Tonite at a family gathering she said "Gee, I wonder where that suitcase went that I took to Italy, I told her we left it behind with your brother and of course she went off and said I would never do that, bla bla bla. I told her yes I did, because I could not carry that too. I should have just left it alone, but it escalated and she told me to shut up and I was a bitch and a bad daughter. I told her Mom, you should really think about why you have a problem with me, because its getting old.
I cant figure it out, Christmas time she had everyone's Christmas card out on display, but hid mine across the room behind a picture. That hurt ....Im thick skinned, but I do have feelings. I turned Buddhist 26 years ago, Im thinking maybe thats the reason, recently separated, and losing my condo, could she think that Im not as good as my brothers , because now they have big beautiful homes. Im stymied, anyone have any ideas. I would appreciate them, because I am at a loss... I am so angry at myself for arguing with her tonite and especially in my brothers new home and the first family gathering there. I sent an email apologizing to my brother and his wife, although they did make light of it. Ive tried talking to my brothers because I think My Mom has a touch of dementia, but they just laugh it off. I have tried everything to get along with her, but she resents me. Thank you. Luv, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 4th of July 2010 03:14:49 AM
Bettina...might she be afraid of something and holding you responsilble for it. For me fear is the first motivator and then comes anger and resentment.
Jerry, I hear what your saying. Fear of her life ending??? Fear of Sickness??? Fear of the unknown??
She talks about death in a natural way. She did say she did not want to have a stroke that would make her debilitated in anyway. She had a TIA a couple of weeks ago, but very mild.
Instead of me being hurt and angry, I need to pray for her more then I do. She hurt me tonite, when she said I was the worst daughter, one thing I cant give her is more time. She obviously wants something from me that Im not giving her.
Sorry to hear your having problems with your mom. I had to respond because it reminds me of both of my grandmothers when they started to have some memory problems. (Both of who were wonderful women) Are you the one that seems to do most of the caring, chores, mundane things for your mom. For some reason, the person that is there for them the most, seems to be the one that they resent. In the case of my maternal grandmother, (she lived with me), she would talk about and complain about me behind my back to my mother and I was her only grandchild and the apple of her eye my whole life, lol! My paternal grandmother had 5 children, ONE of the daughters did everything for her in the last few years, while the rest helped out once in a while and you would swear my grandmother hated her. She was the one that would go to see her everyday, get her magazines and treats at the store etc. and my grandmother would turn around and say hurtful things to her. Could it be memory problem frustration or altered thinking from medications, who knows, but it is not very nice. People always seem to take their frustrations out on the one closest to them, i guess the elderly are no exception. Not sure if this helps at all, take care
(((Bettina))) So sorry for the pain you are feeling. I believe the old saying "You always hurt the one you love" and think it applies here. I agree with macintosh, I think we tend to hurt the ones we are closest to. Maybe your mom treats you as she does because she KNOWS that, no matter what she says or does, you are still going to be there for her. Maybe she doesn't have that same feeling toward your brothers? Maybe she feels that if she treats them this way, they won't put up with it and will cut her out of their lives. And maybe she knows that no matter what she throws at you, you will still care about her and will stick by her. As we all know, we have no control over others' thoughts or actions, whether they are alcoholics or not. I hope that you can find some comfort in the fact that you ARE a good daughter, that you love and care for your mom as best you can, even though she lashes out at you and hurts you time and again. You ARE a good person, and I'm sure that in her heart she realizes that, although her actions seem to show the opposite.
Thinking of you today,may you find peace!!
Denise
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time"
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
(((( Bettina )))), I can't think of anything good to add, but wanted to tell you that I'll be praying for you. What has already been written about fear makes a lot of sense to me. I know that before the program I used to act illogically when I was afraid of something very often, and I still do it now if I'm not careful.
I can relate strongly to your post. I just saw my mother yesterday and had to let several snide remarks roll of my back. I say "snide" not hurtful because I now realize that people who are terribly frightened deep inside, lash out at other people at times. My mom has done this with me for as long as I can remember, even more so now since she is on medication, in a assisted-care facility (which she hates), and.... unfortunately, has behaviors which meet the criteria of Borderline Personality Disorder.
Before I go to see her, I remind myself that she is not well in every sense of the word and that she is so full of fears (some she now admits). Before I enter the facility, I pray that I'm guided to say and do that which won't make matters worse. My prayers are usually answered IF I don't start dwelling on her comments and make them my problems - just let them go.
I gosh, it took me years to get to this point. I mean YEARS & a great number of counseling sessions.
I have worked hard to get to a place of acceptance. I now accept the situation as it is. She can feel hatred and resentment towards me all she wants. What she will get in return is love and, due to her not being the most joyous persons to visit, limited visit. I'm not a saint
It's difficult because we want this two-way loving relationship. But we don't always get what we want. So we must make the best of it. You're in my prayers.
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I'm so sorry you are going through this. I notice that often as people get older, what they are intensifies. If they are scared, angry people, they tend to get more scared and more angry (to hide the fear). If they're people who never learned to handle their emotions, they have even more problem as they age. And if there's cognitive decline, it can often come out as anger. They're frightened by not being on top of things, and they lash out at people, especially those they feel safe with. And sometimes parts of their brain go haywire and just cause anger, even in formerly calm and placid people.
It looks to me as if you're fearing you should take this personally (as we all tend to slip into). You're asking, "What is it about me that she resents? Is it this, is it that?" Maybe the more accurate question would be, "What about me is she searching out as a pretext, so she can hang her anger on it?" It's just like an alcoholic -- the turmoil comes from within, not from what's happening on the outside. It's sad to realize that you could be the perfect daughter of all time, and she'd still be angry. But it shows that it's something to detach from, not to blame yourself about.
Of course, none of us is the perfect child anyway. But it's very clear to me that you want your mother to be happy and to love you. What more could any mother want? I hope you can take care of yourself and get some detachment, just as we would with an alcoholic. It sounds to me as if she's no more in control of herself than an A would be. Hugs to you.
Bettina I can relate to alot of what you said and have been in your shoes to a certain extent. I was never the favored child to say the least, in fact I was the one who endured the abuse doled out by my mother in my younger years. But when my mother was dying ( and I know this is not the case for you) we brought her into our home as she did not want to go into the hospice. My brother, sister and I took shifts around the clock to care for her. She treated them with the utmost respect. Yet whenever I tended to her it was never "good enough". I was a psych nurse and knew how to take care of her physically. She remidnd me daily what a horrible nurse I was and couldn't believe anyone would ever hire me. It hurt me deeply right to my core. It took me years to figure out it wasn't my mom talking but her illness and to let it go. Your mother is up there in years, maybe a bit of dementia going on So if you can look at it as it is not your mother saying/doing these hurtful things and look upon it as a disease you may not take it so personally. I would use my alanon tools to work through your issues with your mom and maybe that will help Blessings
Hi Bettina....I too was ''it'' when my Dad started to fail. The old song line.....you always hurt the one you love..... comes to mind. I've seen it happen with friends parents too. I believe it is age related driven by fear and this is their only way of expressing themselves. My father spent his last few months in a care home and the staff would greet me with....oh your Dad is always singing your praises he's looking forward to seeing you and I'd get in his room to be greeted by this surly moaning bad tempered ungrateful person that no one but me was privileged to see!!....The staff and everyone else thought he was wonderful and I know he loved me......BUT.
I am sorry you are in pain. It is strange I have had this experience shared with me a few times this week. This behavior seems to be fairly common with the elderly and thier primary caregivers. A friend was sharing her feelings of caring for her father as he was suffering from dementia for a few years and she was the golden child, her sister the whipping post basically. Now her mother is starting to shows some of the same behaviors and the roles have been reversed. Another friend who has always been the person to help and know all her father's decisions of life matters is starting to see signs of anger and similar behavior from him. And my mom is dealing with some of the same issues with my grandmother, at times she can do no wrong and other times ... there is nothing that can be done right in any way. I was trying to listen and absorb as much knowledge from them as I could knowing that someday I will be taking care of my mom. Whether the behavior comes from anger, resentment, loss of control or a physical change it doesn't change how much it can hurt. I saw each of them using detachment, compassion, and self care that reminded me of our toolboxes. I hope knowing you are not alone in this experience helps some. And I send my best wishes and prayers to you and your mom.
I feel your pain... my kids and I live with my mom, who turned 80 last winter. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've been yelled at for not telling her about things we've discussed and not informing her of any plans I've made for myself and the kids. Yesterday, I was told I'd never told her someone else was bringing something to our 4th of July family celebration tomorrow (our town's parade is on the 5th this year). so she made it. While I didn't specifically tell her someone else was bringing that one item, I DID write a detailed list of what she was doing. But sometimes it seems liike anything and everything I do is wrong; two of my sisters are always right....
Hang in there. You and your mom are in my prayers.
A few months before my grandma died and I helped take care of her, at times she acted like my mom (her daughter) was being mean. My grandma had dimentia and it was hard to see her that way. My mom did the best to take care of her and was never mean to her. It was the dimentia. It was awful.
It really helped me, I think my Mom does have some dementia going on and all your points of view are so helpful. I am too close to it and I couldn't see what it was.
Dear lady,We really have no idea what is in someone elses mind.
I have shared before that even our familes can be poison to us, toxic.For me I had to look at how to change me, how can I make me more comfortable. I know I am not going to try to change anyone else.
Sadly I have seen parents who really did seem to not love their kids for whatever reason.
I want to say to you, what makes you believe it is YOU? Even if it is, I invite you to love you for the decisions you make, for the tough things you survive.
You took care of her, you know you did a wonderful thing. Think about how sad it is she does not have those feelings you wish she had for you.
NO it cannot be pleasant, this is your mom for petes sake. We cannot change her.
I know I have nothing to prove to anyone. I do what I feel is right, and my feelings are second. I am talking when I am caring for someone who is sick or needy.
Not all of us are blessed with different supports and others that love us. I was very loved by my family. However I live without the love of a spouse. I never thought why doesn't he love me, I took care of him when he had the brain surgery.l he loves his mother more than me.
It just does not matter because I did it out of my heart. He did not have to appreciate it.
But we are human hon, it does hurt. However to me it is up to us to protect ourselves.
I can tell you for sure, no one has ever talked to me how your mother did you. I guess I don't care if they are demented or not, it is not cool to talk to me like that. Plus if it was dementia she would talk to your bros like that too.
Whatever is eating her, is not your problem hon.
I really like that,"to thine own self be true." We say that lots here.
I have seen your support here, you are always very giving and helpful, and an important member here.
Sending you a big hug and invite you to go to someone face to face and give and get a real hug,deb
For some reason some parents do act out over their children. My parents certainly did. I got great solace from reading books on adult children of alcoholics.
My mother and father and indeed my two sisters are and were incredibly dysfunctional their entire lives. I used to take every thing they did absolutely personally. Therapy and al anon has helped me to learn to detach. I can detach now. I no longer grieve about the role assigned to me. I no longer think I can fix them or could have fixed them.
Thank you LynDebi for your insight and Maresie, my Mother doesnt drink , neither did my Father, but yes I am learning to detach from her remarks and behavior, I do for awhile, and then she comes back with more zingers.
I have decided to not react to her disease, whatever that may be. I have heard from many friends whose Mother's had dementia and alzheimers, that they do pick on one sibling more then the others.
