The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'd rather not get into the whole background. I am here due to my fiance being an A. He is not abusive, just rather sloppy and tired. More of a 'happy' drunk as me and my therapist calls him. Anyway she has suggested Al-Anon and I have a print out of some meetings.
I realize I am enabling him. I made a set of rules today, the money he has is his to do what he wants with it, not to ask me for any cash for beer, not to ask me to get him beer. He'll have to do it himself.
Anyway a few things. 1. Has anyone successfully stayed with a using alcoholic? Or do we all leave them?
2. We've been together 6 years and have/had plans to marry in a year or so after I am outta school. We only have one car that I drive all the time, but it is in his name. Anyways, I am seriously considering leaving... But with that, I won't be able to attend school, which means a sucky ass job, trying to live on $7.00 an hour. Sure subsidized housing can help, but it's not a route I would really want to take, but if I must, I shall. So I am at a crossroads...finish school and then leave or quit school (I'll have to start paying on loans), leave, and work till I can afford to go back. I have 1 more year at it, however I was speaking to the dean of my school and she mentioned a new program I was interested in, which would make my 1 year become longer (I don't know how long yet though).
I've been up since 10:30 Saturday am. It is now 3:15 Sunday am. My mind is just spinning as to what to do, how to do it, trying to remain calm. He's been drinking very heavily the past two days. We had a party to go to (my sisters graduation) and he was drinking during the day. So we went to the party at 5 and then by 7 he was completely drunk and I had to have my brother help me take him home. He passed out for a while only to wake up and grab another beer... It was so embarrassing for me to have others see him like that. I was mad that I had to leave to take him home so he wouldn't ruin my sister's party. I went back after a few hours and apologized to her.
I've been trying very hard to leave him be...I'll go for a walk, just to get my head straight. Earlier today he's been mumbling about something that hasn't even happened today, but a few weeks ago. Then he says he was talking to my in which was impossible because we hadn't spoken for an hour. (We were on our computers with the TV on.) He has a mental illness, is on SSDI for it, he's been taking his meds on top of the drinking which is just messing him up cognitively.
So I dunno, I just really am, not sure what to do, or at least when to do it.
Hi Rebecca and welcome... I too agree that getting to some meetings and reading as much as you can about addiction would be of great help and support to you in making a decision. There are success stories out there about alcholics/addicts getting sober..and recovering. Just stopping using isnt recovery, the user can stop using, but still has the same thinking (all the ism's that accompany addiction)...I heard someone say if you wonder what your future looks like with an alcholic or addict look at how your life is now...thats what it will be like......most likely worse becuse its a progressive disease. Educating your self and getting to some meetings will help you with your choices. blessings :)
I agree with the previous posters that you will find a lot of help in the meetings. It's really nice to be able to get out of your head for an hour and sit and listen to other people who have been there. It's nice to meet friends that actually understand the exact place you're in because they've been there too. When I started going to meetings, I felt like I was different and nobody else would ever really understand. I LOVE the knowledge today that I am NOT different - WOO HOO, I'm not special!!!! :)
Anyway, the stay or leave question is different for everyone. The program does not tell you what to do, rather, allows you to see that you can be happy whether he is still drinking or not. Happiness is different for everyone - you get to decide what it includes for you.
Do you have plans to attend a face to face meeting soon?
Welcome again to the board - hope to see you lots!
Some people stay with their A's, and some don't -- there's no single right answer. One question would be: How contented are you able to be in your alcoholic's presence? It's also important not to lose sight of what's normal -- after several years with my A, I counted myself as "happy" when he wasn't out drunk-driving. But that's a pretty low standard of "happy." You might want to look hard at what you want a relationship to be, and see if that's available to you if he doesn't stop drinking. Different people have different answers.
The one extra factor to think about, over time, is what happens if you have kids together. You have the choice to go or to stay, but they have fewer choices.
On the whole Al-Anon recommends no major decisions for six months, because there's a lot of learning and thinking to do. One thing I hear is that you're considering staying not so much because your happiness level is high, but because you want your education. That's certainly a worthy goal. You might also talk to the financial aid people at your college and make sure you know about every source of aid. It's good to make choices when you have several options -- then you know you've chosen because it's truly the best choice, not just because you're in a corner.
There's so much wisdom and experience on these boards. Keep coming back!
While we don't "give advice" here in alanon except in cases of abuse we can only tell you our experiences and give you food for thought. You seem to be in this relationship with open eyes which already is a huge step. It is suggested that you work the program for at least 6 months before making any big decisions so don't feel you have to make a decision right away. This is a progressive disease it only gets worse until or if the other person finds recovery. I would ask you to consider a few questions as you already know your finace is an A 1. Are you willing to live in this manner or worse as he falls deeper into addiction... in other words do you accept him as he is and what he may become? 2. Is he some one you would think would make a good husband such as can he provide you with the stability, love and affection one would expect of a spouse. Is he emotionally available to you and your needs. In my experience thier is no one as emotionally unavaible as an A. 3. Are you willing to always come in 3rd in his life.... living with an A thier priorities are themselves, thier next drink and than you 4. If you are planning to have children would he make a good dad? could you trust him to watch the children, be a good role model and fill thier needs? Thats alot to asborb i know but basically if you work the program and I strongly suggest that you do I belive you will find your answers. Their are many here that live with active A's, it is possible. This is a life time disease for all of us as many times by the time we reach out for help we have hit our own bottom. Please start attending meetings in your area, working the steps and you will find the answers you are looking for. You will likely hear your own story told time and again and find how others have behaved in your situation I commend you for addressing this issue before you tie the knot. whatever decisions you make after working the program you can honestly say you made an informed decisions. God Bless
I don't have alot to add to the wonderful ESH that has been posted, but I noticed your rules list. That is a great start to creating your personal boundaries of acceptable and unacceptable. I wish you the best on your journey to find your answers and serenity
One of the key reasons I stayed with al anon when I first got here is no one said to leave the now ex A. I stayed with him for a number of years. During that time I learned some al anon tools like detaching, focusing on myself (in this moment) and seeking support from others.
I do urge you to give al anon a try. Whatever you do, stay or leave you will get help. I eventually made a plan be. I took my time about it. In some ways making a plan be took my mind off obsessing about the stay/leave issue. I could outline what my resources were rather than dismiss them.
I am glad you are here. You deserve help and al anon can certainly help you tremendously.
