The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is only the second post from me, but I am curious as to what anyone's thoughts may be for me?
MY AH and I have history spanning entire lives/love each other very much/want to get married/I moved 600 miles in January for him/he is showing signs of violent temper and angry drunk/his mother died last year and he has emotional issues not dealt with....etc.
Last weekend I made the mistake of drinking (too much) with him and we got into a huge fight that was borderline dangerous for both of us. OK....It WAS dangerous for both of us.
DONT DRINK WITH THE ALCOHOLIC!!!!!! Now I get it.
I have driven 600 miles back to my other home.
The thing is: I love him to my bones and I do believe that he and I are soulmates. He says he will go to church with me and that he is willing to see a counselor. (He is unwilling to stop drinking)
He has not surrendered and everything is still "his terms"....but he will go see a counselor with me.
Couldn't this help?
I feel like seeing a counselor and church will help him and if I don't stick this out and go with him......that I may be the only thing to get him through the doors.
I am scared for him. I am scared that alchohol is going to....I don't even want to say it......I just hope he survives this affliction.
I do not want to turn my back on him even though things are clearly unhealthy and potentionally dangerous.
welcome to MIP. There is nothing you can do or say or not do or not say that will make him get sober. He will have to want it for himself. If he ends up not going to the counselor, that will be his choice.
Dealing with alcoholism is tough. I was around it for many years. Don't beat yourself up for drinking too much with him. The fight could have still happened if you didn't drink anything. I know this from experience.
What I definetelly hear in your posts is he, him, he, him. I understand you are worried about him and that is ok. But what about you?
I think if you give alanon a chance you will learn a whole lot and find answers to a lot of your questions. There is no simple answer.
"What if I'm the key to getting him sober"? Only he can get himself sober.
Aloha Nalina...I am a long timer member of both Al-Anon and AA, a past Behavioral Health Therapist working in Alcoholism and Substance abuse, A past cast manager in an Alternatives to Violence Program as a mens case manager and your post turned on all of the flashing lights and sirens and whistles for me.
Re-read your post as if you were somebody else and see how it looks for the writer.
Alcoholism is a disease...it is not a moral issue. The most successful guide to recovery is a spiritual 12step program called AA. Religious programs usually don't work with diseases of the mind, body, spirit and emotions. Counselors and counseling does help at times and is more successful when the client is referred to the social model 12 steps 12 tradition programs....A sober drunk keeping another drunk from drinking and dying. If he will not stop drinking...a church, counselor, AA or the AA sponsor will not, along with you, keep him from drinking and this disease is progressive. Saying that what ever is going on right now which honestly sound life threatening can and will get worse unless the drinking is arrested.
Everything that happens to him as a result of alcohol will happen to you and any other woman but worse...Alcohol tears up a woman faster and more completely than it does a man and it will tear a man to shredds. I am one and have been married to one and lived with another and dated more... in ad nauseaum!!
Don't drinking with an alcoholic for me today ends with don't drink!! I was born and raised within the disease. It is cunning, powerful and baffling and results in insanity and/or death. Sounds like you have arrived at the insanity and have been borderline on the violence.
He is unwilling to stop drinking...So that takes care of stopping for you doesn't it? You cannot be the reason he drinks or gets sober. It has to be for him and if he is unwilling...that's crazy.
I suggest you look up the hotline number for Al-Anon and find out when and where the nearest family group meetings are and get to one a early as you can so that you can find out what to do about and for yourself. If you are unwilling to do that also the outcome for both of you is scarey. Keep coming back and letting us know what you're finding out.
What if I am the key to getting him sober ? well for both of your sakes I hope your not .. way too much responsibility for any one person and if he sobers up to please you it probably wont stick , he either does this for himself or not .. your simply not powerfull enough to make him quit , no human power alone can do that for him . Please remember that an alcoholic will do anything say anything promise anything to get us off thier backs . his disease tells him that he can fool everyone. The best way to support him is to find a program of your own ,learn all u can about this disease and how it has impacted your life , get your life back on track and let go .. that dosnt mean u have to leave the relationship just step aside so God can get at him . were enablers we believe the lies , we lie for them , we cover up thier mistakes, we pay thier bills , as long as we continue to do for them what they should be doing for themselves nothing will change . this is a disease a progressive disease it only gets worse never better. Going to a councelor when the alcoholic is still drinking is a total waste of money he dosent think clearly so what is the point , just my opinion. Abuse is also progressive,the more he drinks the angrier he gets .. take care of you.. Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Saturday 3rd of July 2010 10:57:53 PM
I was married to an alcoholic for 36 years, and let me tell you, I was not the key to getting him sober. (He still isn't sober.)
Please let me share something else: I went to counseling for many, many, MANY years in hopes of learning how to save my husband and myself. Oh, I learned a lot, and I don't regret the hours spent discussing my issues. However . . . . if I had to do it all over again, I would go to counseling in conjunction with attending Al-Anon meetings. I thnk if I had attended the meetings for the start, my journey of recovery would have begun much, much soooner!
Also, my exAH agreed to attend counseling sessions with me long time ago. However, after the pyschologist wanted to address his alcohol consumption, my ex decided that I was the one with the problem. Therefore, I was the one who needed to go, not him. He stopped counseling after two sessions.
Again, if I had to choose between counseling and meetings to address how alcoholism affected me, I'd go with the meetings. For me, doing both would have been ideal. Now, I've dropped counseling because I think it has taken me as far as it can and have begun trying meetings to help me maintain my sanity and peace of mind. good luck You have to do what is right for you! Everyone's path is different.
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Sunday 4th of July 2010 02:32:45 AM
-- Edited by GailMichelle on Sunday 4th of July 2010 02:40:08 AM
__________________
You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I was so relieved when my xah agreed to go to counseling with me. Although I gave him little choice it was either he find one and make the appointment or I walked out the door that very moment. Counseling went well, he even agreed that soberiety would need to be the first step wehn the counselor brought it up. Counseling helped .... me. My xah dropped a bottle of pills from his pocket in front of me one day, I explained to him I was not going to react, it was his responsibility to bring it up in our next session. He did not, nor the next ... I realised not only was he lying to our counselor but he expected me to join him in lying. Somehow in his brain if the counselor thought we were doing well then we were doing well ... never mind reality. I canceled our next joint appointment and made one for myself. That is actually when I figured out I needed the help more than he did.
With Alanon, MIP and counseling I have found a way to live with how alcoholism has affected my life, it is worth the effort.
Thanks to everyone for the replies and for sharing your own experiences in order to help me see mine more clearly.
I drove about 300 miles today, halfway back to my apartment that I share with my ABF in order to try to salvage my job. My employers gave me a leave of absense for last week.
My gut was telling me that it probably was not the best idea......LITERALLY...I now have an ulcer. At the halfway point, I pulled over sobbing not knowing what to do...so I called my ABF in hopes of reassurance. He was at work and cussed me, saying that when I got back all I would do would be sit around moping and depressed and that he did not need that in his life right now. (What he does not need is someone interfering with his drinking) I took his reaction as my answer, turned back around and drove 300 miles to my original home.
A healthy partner would have said something like: "I know this is difficult for both of us and that your job and only source of income is important to you. Be careful on your drive and I will see you soon." But he is not healthy and he is selfish....which blows my mind because he is not the same person I once knew.
My heart has been smashed to pieces, I now have no job, and I feel like I have been kicked out on the street from MY OWN apartment. I am the cosigner because his credit sucks, but I do not make enough money for a $1600.00 rent payment each month.
I honestly thought that at 32, I was finally getting married.
Do you have the book Getting them Sober. I do think that is a great great resource for getting your expectations down.
I have seen more than one counselor in a relationship. The ex A who I was with for 7 years absolutely refused to see anyone. I can tell you the whole issue with me was always my expectations. I hung all my hope on a counselor. I put such faith in it.
I did not focus on myself. I did not make a plan be. I did not try to get any balance in my life. Al anon has helped me to make those tools work. Detachment has also been very very key for me.
One phrase I've learned with the program is the "Three C's"
I can't control the drinking. I can't cure the drinking. I didn't cause the drinking.
If there were any advice I'd suggest here, it's to get to some face-to-face Al-Anon meetings. Get to as many as you can in a week, but make sure you attend at least six before you decide if the program is for you or not. If you decide the meetings are for you, keep going back, find a sponsor and start working the steps.
