The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I kicked my son out of my mother's house (she passed away three years ago) three weeks ago today, it was a terrible scene with him and his friend both of them high and out of control screaming and cussing, the police tried to keep the situation in a negotiated mode, but it ended with my son being arrested for disorderly conduct.
Friends bailed him out and he is now at their house, he has started calling me for money and a car to drive, he blames me for his situation, says he is hungry and wants to work but doesn't have a way to find work (funny thing he never worried about that before).
I get so upset every time he calls, second guessing myself, getting so nervous I can't even think straight.
Hang in there and stay strong. You already know that alcoholics and addicts blame anyone and everyone for the situations they get themselves into. It is much easier to blame other people than it is to take responsibility.
If him calling is upsetting, you can set a boundary to take care of your emotional health. Maybe it could be to allow him to go to voice mail and call him back if you feel like it and not call him back if you don't. You are not on the earth to be blamed or verbally abused by an acloholic.
If he wants a job badly enough, he will figure it out. He has made the choices that have landed him in his current predicament. He can make the choices to get himself out.
One day at a time, Dreams - today you're doing just fine.
I can understand that this is hard for you. He is your son. You already know you are not responsible for him. He is an adult.
Of course it's your choice if you help him out or not. I have heard someone say a long time ago: When the phone rings, you can either pick it up or not pick it up. Nobody says that something bad will happen if you dont.
Of course he is blaming you, that's what A's do isn't it? Don't second guess yourself. Please take care of you.
I had to say no to a family member not too long ago regarding bailing him out of jail. It was one of the most difficult times of my life knowing that he was there. Just today he told me how thankful he was that no one did bail him out because he would not have learned what he did. He had spent two weeks there.
I understand the self-doubt. I think it is generated by our wanting to fix everybody that we think is broken. Fixing what is broken is an individual's job. When we try to fix them, I think we undermine their self-confidence. It's like saying sure, I'll fix you or your situation because you are not capable of it.
May your son realize that he can make better choices soon!
So sorry you are going through this!
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
(((((Dreams))))).....caller ID and the answering service are great things! If I feel weak or fearful I don't answer the phone.....if a message is left I can gauge if I need to react, or not. If I do answer and don't like what I'm hearing I now just say you know I don't talk to you when you call drunk so I'm hanging up now.....
It's tough I know but hang in there.....they don't like it when things start to change and they alone become responsible for their actions.
I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. You are one strong individual! It's hard to think of our child hungry and without the opportunity to find work. Instead of money and a car, it sounds like you've given him the chance to stand on his own two feet.
What a terrible situation. I have to say if someone calls me I dont' want to speak to I don't answer the phone. To get to that place I have certainly had to learn to detach.
You are certainly not in any way responsible for your son's addiction. In al anon we go by the three C's, we can't control it, we can't cure it and we certainly didn't cause it.
You do not have to put up with terrible behavior and I am glad your son was removed. I am sorry you feel at such a loss. May I suggest visiting the chat room here and going to meetings online here. I know the comfort of being around other people who know exactly what you are talking about helps a great deal.
