The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm so anxious this morning. Things are going smoothely at home. The kids are being fun and helpful and not getting on my nerves. But I have this looming anxious feeling. My mother in law is coming in to town. I haven' seen her since last summer. She was not always friendly to me and is very much an untreated alanon. My AH is my qualifier, this is her son. Right now I am living in one of her homes, and the other home attached to ours just became vacant... so she is in town to fix it up and get it ready for new tenants. I'm anxious because I'm afraid of the chaos that comes when she comes into town. She has on several occasions accused me of feeling a certain way or of doing something, I just didn't do. And I get upset when she comes into our lives, turns things upside down and then leaves in a fury. Her son does the same thing most of the time. But he is my husband and the father to my kids. It's about all I can do to manage taking care of my kids with really no father, and manage to be civil to him.
The great news in all of this is that I am planning on moving in mid august. But that is a month and a half away and I keep going to the future worrying about what she is going to say or do to cause chaos while I'm still here. I am trying to stop the chorus in my head and just live in today. But I also have been terrible about expressing my boundaries and am anxious about what they should even be. I guess if I'm not a 100% sure I shouldn't say anything... or feel comfortable with being able to change them. I feel timid and like a little girl in front of a military commander when I am around her. I'm just terrified!
Not to mention I'm probably a little more emotionally vulnerable because last week I thought my ah was dead in his van somewhere... and I scheduled my 3 year old son to have surgery to have his tonsils, adnoid removed and tubes put in his ears.
I guess this is just part of my therapy. Share and share my fears until I can cope a little better with them.
Noone likes being accused of something they didn't do and noone can tell us how we are feeling or that we shouldn't feel a certain way. That's noones business. I like how you describe her as an untreated alanon.
Whatever she will do or say about you moving out is just that, she will do or say whatever she will do or say. Nothing you can do. If things usually turn into chaos then things will probably turn into chaos again.
Let her deal with whatever she has problems with. You can't change her but you can take care of you. You know that once you move out that will be the end of it. You have that to look forward to.
Just remember it's your home, your rules, your wishes. She's not a military commander, she's just another human.
I can understand thinking that your husband was dead was very, very scarey. That's scarey for anyone.
I can say one thing though, your son will be just fine. My daughter had her tonsils taken out when she was about 7 and recovery didn't take long. She was back to her old self 2 days later, except she lost some tonsils.
Your mother in law is expecting you to keep her son in check , so she dosent have too .sad but true . We have a right to stand up and say enough I am not taking responsibility for something I didnt do and walk away .A boundary is to keep u safe and being treated with respect at all times , if these people cant do that walk away . I was told by a councelor that by my silence,people assume that what thier doing is okay with me , speak up say whats on your mind , dont expect that it will change anything it is just important that u speak up ..u do it for you . Say what u mean , mean what u say , but don't be mean when u say it ..
I had a really loaded relationship with the ex A's mother. She absolutely totally dominated her son's life. I allowed her to dominate mine.
I eventually started to have choices. I missed all the family occasions where she controlled everything. I made an effort to be cordial to her when I did see her.
Detachment was very very hard for me when I first got here. I still have to practice not inviting chaos into my life. The way I can do that is very very subtle but its there. The more I can let go of trying to make everything right the better off I am.
