The material presented
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I posted last week about my AH coming off benzodiazipenes (prescription). I recently learned he has also weaned himself off of Effexor. Both were done without doctor supervision. We were separated until about one month ago. I wanted to try again, especially because he was acting like his old self. However, I am quickly losing hope. He will act normal, loving, wonderful for several days. But then he will start asking (what I consider) crazy questions. I know he has a period of his life "blacked out" and it must be very scary for him. He needs to "fill in" what is missing and rediscover himself as a person. However, I am not sure how much more of this I can take. For instance today he has asked me if I was every cheating on him (NEVER, not even close), he insists I have our daughter's disability money in a hidden account (I do not), he thinks I am leaving papers around the house on purpose for him to find (I am not, these papers have always been lying around and he just hasn't noticed). He really scared me today when he told me he is thinking of not going back to work after his sick leave. He wants to "make up for the past ten years of his life that he missed". This sickens me. We CANNOT survive on my income, although he inists he has "cranked out the numbers and we'll do fine". I told him I absolutely disagree and he in turn tells me that I am a brick wall, close-minded, etc. I feel like I am so alone. On MOnday we argued over our daughter's meds. He wanted to wean her off without docotr supervision and I refused. It got heated and I wanted to elave the house. When I went to leave he grabbed my arm and wouldn't let go. I got very angry and told him "Don't you ever fu***** touch me!" I got away and headed to the phone. He thought I was calling the police, when I was actually calling his father. He came up behind me (two hands over my shoulders) and knocled the phone from my hands and pushed me. I panicked, sure he was finally going to punch and kick me, fell to the floor and screamed. He has NEVER touched me before this and his temper has only shown itself since coming off the drugs. Long story short, I did call his parents and they arrived only to defend him. even though I have a bruise (small) on my arm and he proceeded to quiz me throughout their stay. I don't want to call my parents or friends b/c they have heard it so many times and here I have just let him back in the house. I feel so lost, so alone, so confused. I DO love him. I know he is sick and I don't want to desert him. But how much of this kind of stuff do I put up with during his recovery??? Is this recovery? Can I expect it to improve? Or have I put myself back into a bad situation?! I believe in God and my vows, but I worry I just can't deal with this kind of sickness. If you got this far in my post, thank you so much for reading.
People who just quit their addictions cold turkey, without a supportive recovery system like AA -- well, his behavior is not unusual. They have completely forgotten how to live without their substance, and some of them were so young when they started their addiction that they never had a sober living system in the first place. It seems obvious to you and me how sane people run their lives, but it isn't obvious to those with no practice. Plus he has his inner demons driving him -- the ones that the addiction quieted (somewhat, and temporarily). That can make him dangerous to himself and others.
It's true that he's sick, but it doesn't sound as if he's really chosen recovery yet.
I hope you will protect yourself -- some of this sounds very scary. I hope you have some face-to-face meetings you can get to? And if you need to separate, I hope you won't feel as if you have "given up on him." It sounds as if he has not experienced the rock bottom consequence of his choices yet -- the choices not to be in a recovery program, for instance. The consequences of not being in a recovery program are that you continue to act insane. And others need to protect themselves from insanity. One of the most helpful pieces of advice I ever got was "Look at his actions, not at his words."
I have been in law enforcement for more than 25 years (retired police officer). I was scared reading your post.I know we are not supposed to give advice but my experience and senses are yelling at me to tell you to get protection from him.You need to get away from him, you need to get an order of protection from a local judge and if he ever scares you like he did this time you need to call the police.This situation is more dangerous than you think.No person should have to live in this kind of fear.
You will be in my prayers.
I am sorry if I have crossed a line here. I truly love this community but I feel very strongly about personal safety and have been witness to senseless and avoidable tragedy and can not hold my feelings in check on this.
Physical or verbal abuse is totally unacceptable under any circumstance. If you read the same post from someone else, my guess is you might consider telling them what Simba told you. Nothing, absolutely nothing justifies abuse.
The program tells us to always take care of ourselves first. Please do.
Living in fear is not recovery , no one should have to live that way ,physical violence will only escalate and your going to get hurt . Taking yourself off drugs is not a great idea he needs help but until he sees it that way u cannot force him to do anything . please get to a meeting for yourself u need support..its obvious to me you wont find any from his family. Supporting the addict does not mean subjecting yourself to abuse of any kind.With out help this disease continues using or not addicts alcoholics call this disease cunning bafling and powerful .. way too much for us to deal with alone .Once settled in our program your never alone again .. Take care of yourself and child, you count .Do you have an emergency kit hidden somewhere , identification , extra money , keys clothes and bankcards etc .. if not i would strongly suggest u get one take it to a neighbours if you have to or in the trunk of your car . Louise
-- Edited by abbyal on Friday 2nd of July 2010 07:03:32 PM
-- Edited by abbyal on Friday 2nd of July 2010 07:05:47 PM
Please make sure you have a safety plan; be sure you are safe and/ or can get safe at all times. This can rapidly escalate. If you would like help regarding some suggestions, send me a private message.
I learned by going to a womans support group of abused women.
He is totally out of control and insane. There is a reason we have detox, and reasons we go to the doctor to know how to wean off of meds we are on.
Honestly your child,nor you are safe.
I read you let him come back. So it must be your place? Nothing is worth you or childs life.
I would get a restraining order NOW. Then he has to come get his stuff with a police officer or sheriff.The behavior he is exhibiting is not sane behavior.
Sometimes it is hard for us to see being so close.
Your loved ones will be there for you. Please get support.We all make mistakes,make choices we with we hadn't.
I also know how horribly hard this looks for you. It's scary thinking of making him stay away.
If you are ready to,the sooner he is gone, the sooner you will heal up and find your life again.
"little" bruise??? Did you hear yourself? What if your child had a little bruise? It is a warning.
His parents are as sick as he is. Try not to take it personal. None of it is about you.
Keep coming back.love,debilyn
-- Edited by Karilynn on Sunday 4th of July 2010 06:41:58 AM
When I got to these rooms I was in a very bad place. I was living with a man who behaved much like the one you describe. Every single thing was a power struggle. Our electricity was cut off regularly as was the water and phone. I can absolutely understand your apprehension, over responsibility and fear.
I found a tremendous resource in al anon. One of the first things was nobody told me to leave the alcoholic. I found people who listened, cared and did not judge me.
I also found a repetoire of tools that helped keep me sane rather than always on edge. I found companionship, empathy and help. I hope you wll give al anon a chance. There is a great book that will also help you a lot. Getting them Sober is a very very good resource at helping you to get clear on your expectations.
I am so glad you have reached out for help you certainly deserve it.
Alanon dictates that we give no advice only our experience, strenght and hope with the exception of abuse situations which you just described. The safety of you and your child must come first and forehand even before the love of your husband. I read your child is disabled and your husband wants to ween her off her meds. I don't know your childs disabilty but it seems that action would only be done by suggestion and supervision of her doctor. remember this is a progressive disease it only gets worse if protecting youself means a restraning order and his removal from the house so be it. At this point it is about protecting you and your child. Are you willing to risk his hurting either of you or hurting you to the point where your daughter would be placed in his care. I understand your commitment to your marriage vows but saftey superseeds all that. Please get to some meetings My prayers will be with you
