The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
a little background. my husband has been drinking most of our 32 year marriage. he has quit ( I call it delaying the next drink) many times in the past. had a dui and didn't faze him. recently he was drinking almost a bottle of wine at lunch, then returning to work. what I did not know was that he was also consuming half a bottle of rum on the commute home. believe me if I knew that I would have tried to get cops involved if only to save someone's life.
he rarely appeared drunk returning home from work and when he did look tipsy he would lie, deny, etc. everyone here knows that story. so I stopped asking.
finally it got so bad ( passing out at work, etc) that his boss offered to pay for Betty Ford, rather than fire him.
of course I was glad about that and he has been home now 3 months and sober, as far as I know.
therein lies the problem- after 30 years of lies, deception, etc I do not trust him one bit. also working on my resentment issue, I am finding out more and more of the stunts he pulled while drunk and am not happy about that. he travels overseas for business, a lot of his memorable moments happened there.
before anyone suggests alanon- I do go, a lot. but it is hard to get over the last few years of hell, wondering if he would get home alive, me being neglected so he could drink on the sly, etc. the month he was away in rehab was actually peaceful.
this is truly the dilemma of the alcoholic marriage- do I give up on 32 years, or stick it out and hope no relapses? I don't think I could take being let down again. lots of people wonder how I lasted this long. I certainly wouldn't have without alanon, but the choice is still mine. and its a tough one
Hello and welcome am glad u are going to meetings for youself , if you don't have it already iwould suggest u purchase our book The Dilema o fthe Alcoholic marriage it has awsome stuff . letting go of the past was easy once I got that I couldnt change the past whats done is done .. if you have a sponsor talk these resentments out with her we had a part in the mess too and once I accepted responsiblity for my part my anger towards him went away , I chose to stay and for yrs just accepted what was happening and never said enough ,I taught him how to treat me he was only doing what worked for him ... I didnt want to hear about his past so told him to talk it out at meetings , I found it very painful to hear some of the things he was doing .. keep the focus on yourself we have 20 yrs of sobriety in our home to day thanks to both of our programs as u said with out it we would have never made it . sobreity is not easy. As far as trust goes , u just take a chance and enjoy sobriety . as long as u take care of yourself regardless of what he does you will be just fine.. You husb will never truly understand how his behavior affected your life any more that uwill understand his compulsion to drink so trying to explain to him your fears your anger was just an exercise in futility for me . . I came to understand that the alcoholic was full of guilt and shame so he didnt need to be reminded by me what he had done in the past . That was really hard for me because i wanted him to hurt the way I hurt , i didn't' know he was hurting already. Don't miss the good days .. Louise
Aloha Oscarmom...glad you found the site and the board...congradulations of your program and commitment to yourself...what would you be like without it? You must have literature and that must have indexes...If you want great feedback on resentments go to the r section and read, read, read. Make sure you get the info on self resentments which are the nastiest kind. It took me a long time to learn that self resentment is one of the hooks the disease plants under my skin. It hurts going in and it hurts worse trying to pull it out. Self love, understanding that you have done the best you could with what you had, affirmations, gratitude lists etc... you've been around and know. You also know that to stay there is a choice...sick choice but a choice all the same. In support of pulling you out of it. (((hugs)))
Hi (((mom))) It IS a tough choice,, and one that can't be made quickly or easily. I, too, have been married to my AH for a long time-31 years. he started AA in September, 2008. He was sober for almost a year and a half, then diagnosed with prostate cancer. After a successful surgery, he relapsed. He has now been sober for 2 weeks but, like you, I am now struggling with the question of whether or not I want to live the rest of my life waiting for the next relapse. Of course, the choice is ours, and ours alone. Through al-anon and MIP, I am learning to slow down, that I don't have to make a decision right this minute as to how I want to spend the rest of my life. It has taken a lifetime to get to this point and realistically I know that it won't be 'solved' overnight. My HP will guide me to the place I need to be, I'm sure of that. It's just that sometimes I feel He works SO slowly and , being the impatient person I am, I want answers RIGHT NOW!! One day at a time is hard for me, sometimes one minute at a time is hard. But I'm trying and I feel a litlle more serenity with each day that passes. I'm thinking of you and hoping that you can find some measure of peace of mind for yourself. Please keep us posted as to how you are doing.
Denise _______
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
(((Oscarmom))) I have also been married for 32 years. My AH came home from his 4th rehab about 4 months ago. My AH didn't really pull any "stunts", he is simply an alcoholic. When he was ready to come home, I really had to do some soul searching. Believe me, I have have anger issues, resentments, etc... I don't think a person can live in the situations that we have lived in, and NOT have a few issues. But, I guess I came to a couple of conclusions, I do love my AH when he is not drinking.... then he is who I married. I am trying to forgive old hurts as he was actively drinking and doesn't even remember them. They tell the alcoholic that they can't go back, they can only look forward and I guess that is what I am trying to do. I have been reading literature to deal with my issues and I am giving him one more chance. You stated that you are active in alanon. Do you have a sponsor that you could discuss some of these issues with? Have you purchased any literature to assist you with your resentment issue? I have decided that for myself, if I don't get the questions answered with the literature, I may go see a therapist to clear up a few issues that I have been unable to clear up by myself. For your last question about giving up on the marriage... that is the same question that I fought with. I decided that when he was fresh out of rehab, he deserved ONE last chance and I am giving it to him. Now the ball is in his lap... if he wants to continue with me in his life, sobriety is the ONLY way that I will continue. It's all about choices... Good luck to you.
I found that it takes a long time to be able to trust again. It took me nearly 5 years to stop going through the trash (inside and outside the house) looking for beer cans and bottles. And the kisses where you breathe in to see if you smell alcohol? I did that too.
Over time the trust comes back if he stays clean and sober. I found myself getting wound up in my own mind only to find out that everything was ok. They learn to not drink any more and we learn to trust...it takes awhile.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
But, I guess I came to a couple of conclusions, I do love my AH when he is not drinking.... then he is who I married. I am trying to forgive old hurts as he was actively drinking and doesn't even remember them. They tell the alcoholic that they can't go back, they can only look forward and I guess that is what I am trying to do. I have been reading literature to deal with my issues and I am giving him one more chance. You stated that you are active in alanon. Do you have a sponsor that you could discuss some of these issues with? Have you purchased any literature to assist you with your resentment issue? I have decided that for myself, if I don't get the questions answered with the literature, I may go see a therapist to clear up a few issues that I have been unable to clear up by myself. For your last question about giving up on the marriage... that is the same question that I fought with. I decided that when he was fresh out of rehab, he deserved ONE last chance and I am giving it to him. Now the ball is in his lap... if he wants to continue with me in his life, sobriety is the ONLY way that I will continue. It's all about choices... Good luck to you.