The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
He was an active functioning alchoholic his entire adult life, he never married and lived with my mum, he was controling and manipulitive, he ruled the house and all our lives within it, he was one of four, I am the youngest, I always wondered why we all had to rally around him and try to keep him sweet, it never seemed to work though, and he would control us all with his moods and his aggresion, he had a spell serving in the army and for that short time peace rained in our home, as soon as he returned though it was the same old same old, as we all left the nest Mum was left with our John and she really became a prisoner in her own home, she was isolated and alone, and once or twice I would ask Mum why do you put up with this, and she would say he is my son I love him and gave him breath, if I can't love him better who can?
It got where if we didn't play by the rules, we wern't welcome, I brought my mum a bird box and my brother said you can take that back we have one and there is no room, lol the garden was full of trees and hedges, but eventually visiting my mum got so stressful I stopped going and said Mum come to me, we can do anything and you won't be living on egg shells, she wouldn't though, she wouldn't leave our John, but then she took ill, dementia, and wot not, and my brother told us all she was his problem as we were all married and he would take care of her, so my older sister and brother and me said yes we will abide by his wishes untll he can't cope and then we will be there to help, and so it happened he managed to wash and clean our mother for two whole years and work night shifts, with little or no sleep, and eventually my sister said John do you need our help? he said yes, so we shared her, and he was welcome in our homes no animosity, it was our mother his mother, well she eventually died, and he gave up the family home too swiftly maybe two weeks after, and moved to a flat, he phoned me to thank me for my help with his mother, I said no need to thank me, he said I am not going to show you my flat until it is all done but your sister has seen it I said ok then, and I also said to him, ya know John you have not always been right with us, but we have always loved you very much, do you now that, he said yes and cried, and the next day he came to my door, and demanded I got in his car, he said come on I felt bad not letting you see my flat so your coming lol, so I went and it was great.
He was seemingly very upbeat about the death of our mother very matter of fact and we honestly thought this was a new beginning for him too, but the following week he took his own life, many things have run through my head, was it the conversation I had with him previously, of course I can never know, all I do know is? I spoke my own truth as I saw it, and the love I said I had for him was very sincere, for me personally I cope with this sad loss with peace in my heart, I felt I was given an opportunity to make my peace with him, I had no clue he would go on to do what he did, but I know I made the right decison.
He had a secret life too unbeknown to us, his work mates had nothing but praise for his honesty and said he did the work of ten men, the church at his funeral was fit to burst with people he befriended and helped in some way, mainly old people or disabled, I loved my brother unconditionally, bless him!
Mahalo Katy and that also brings up sadness for me. I cannot see where you had the power to cause his condition and decision to either let you into his life or to take it. He did both and many other things also. Understanding takes patience and time and effort and I pray that whatever is in the way of understanding and acceptance for you disappears and you can arrive at "I know now." I am grateful for this personal share from you...it is a "teacher" for me. (((((hugs)))))
I am so very sorry that you are experiencing this painful loss.
Learning that your brother was such a valued employee, who had worked so hard and helped so many in his lifetime, was a beautiful gift to receive at the service.
Your Family will be in my thoughts and prayers.
-- Edited by hotrod on Wednesday 30th of June 2010 02:03:30 PM
Jerry F you evoked this share from me, and hotrod this was not a recent event it was ten years since, but to all that replied thankyou, I suppose the point I was trying to make was that sometimes life throws us lemons, we could grimace and feel yucky or add lemonade to feel , we always have choices, and the choices we make determin the outcome, sometimes doing nothing is enough, sometimes it isn't, sometimes making a mistake is what gives us the asnswer's, we need to learn, all I know is, arn't we LUCKY to have mip, to beable to run things past each other, and for some one to give us ((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))) when we don't get it quite right or are unsure, it's fail safe this programme, for every question there is a zillion answers, we are similar but quite unique, Love you all Lot's xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
