The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My son is finally moving out on Wednesday. I am feeling some guilt and a lot of sadness. Although I want him to go I know he does not want this. He is moving in with a girls that has 3 daughters. I am feeling guilt like I am forcing him into a situation that is not good for the daughters. This girl he has been seeing seems very needy...for a man to be in her life. I know that he will start going downhill from here but I guess that is where he needs to go. He even admitted to me that if he is not so close to me he will probably try harder to get his life in order.
I guess I don't really know what I am hoping will happen. He will either try harder to get himself into recovery and become much more independent or he will hit bottom and God only knows where that will lead him.
I do believe that you had turned this situation over to HP many times in the past . You were apprehensive about the living arrangement and now, without you forcing the issue, he is moving out. Great!!!
I know it is hard but trust the process!!! Keep showing up here, focus on yourself and Let GO and Let God.
I understand your fear and deep concern and will hold your family in my thoughts and prayers.
-- Edited by hotrod on Monday 28th of June 2010 01:40:57 PM
You are exactly right... God knows where this will lead him. What you can do, is focus on steps one, 2 and 3... and then, let go. Breathe a sigh of relief that God will take it from here.
I got a bit of a chuckle, that you worry about the others taking him on... That is exactly what I used to do! I worried and focused on everyone but myself.
Focus on the gift that he is out of the house and take special care of yourself. Time to relax. Trust that God is in control. ((hugs))
__________________
The prayer isn't for Higher Power to change our lives, but rather to change us.
((((((Gail)))))))).....This is good news!!!........he is seeking change, he is on a journey and it may, or may not, be a tough one, but trust that its what is meant to be. I understand your fear.......
Try not to project.........breathe........minute at a time.....
Oh, you seem like such a nice person... I can read how much you love your son, I bet the hurt of alcoholism has made the difficult task of relating to an adult child so much harder and I can see how much that woudl hurt and perhaps effect your view some- I know my view is really in need of "focus" very often.
I have alot of experience watching the different ways parents love their adult children some just keep on loving them as if they were 12 and will always need Mommy's direction, like sweezing the life out of a kitten because you love it so much.
I was walking with my "mother in law" and she said, and I quote" I look around and see all these "successful" men, why can't my son be like that???
I wanted to screammmm because of YOU!!!!! Let him grow up!!! I'm sure these men's mothers do not buy them clothes and check on their money matters and control every bit of their lives that they can, and alway ask "why are you doing this and why are you doing that" and by the way your son LOVES you with all his heart, all of it I know for sure... but I also know if he could without hurting you he would tell you to butt out of all the personal details of his life and love him as an adult who makes all his own decisions!!! and don't offer help unless he ask!!! Treat him like an adult "friend" not a "mommy bailing me out" because when you bail him out you tell him you don't believe he is strong enough to deal with his own matters.
It must be hard to see someone enter a relationship like the one you describe, perhaps it will be much more likely to go the way it needs to if you say or do nothing--- not the hidden "hint" or the aquistory "question" or anything..or even trying to help it work out that's just as bad .... it needs to be what it needs to be... HP can deal with and can make your relationship with your son really good, strong, adult, healthy. I promise!!
-- Edited by glad on Monday 28th of June 2010 04:53:05 PM
Sometimes what we do is the impetus for change and sometimes what we do has no impact on them. Their behavior is not related to what we do. And we never know which is which. Let go and let god.
Alcoholics really are amazing , if he is further from you he will try harder -- nice way to blame you for his problem . sheeeeeeeeesh She is needy so he has found himself another enabler , pray for her and her children .. No reason for you to feel guilty you have aright to some sanity in your life . Hang in there .
Sober or not an addict is gonna do what an addict is gonna do, nothing you can do about it. The only thing left is to turn him over to his HP and let him do the rest.
You have the right to live the your life the way you want to. That includes living without the chaos. This girl also has the right to live the way she chooses. So be it. Allow him the dighnity of making choices, good or bad and let the consequences be what they may.
As hard as this is, enjoy the serenity of your home. Remember what the chaos was like. No one likes that. Prayers for you & your family. Much love and blessings to you all.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Wow! That was a big step! Way to go! Letting go is one of the hardest things that we have to do. It shows that you truly love your son, that you are willing to let him go and hopefully get better. It is so hard to even "think" when they are under our roofs. He may falter and fail but it truly is about choices. And he has a right to fail if he so chooses. Now is the time for you to work the steps and heal yourself. Hopefully, he will allow his HP to help himself. Peace to to you.
