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I'm coming down to the last week staying with my (soon ex-) AH. I'm going to be moving into my new place 4th of July weekend, and he'll be moving to his new residence, too.
We've stayed amicable with each other. In fact, a lot of the time, he seems to be treating me nicer and with more respect than he did when he thought we were stuck with each other the rest of our lives. I'll take the nice stuff, thank you.
I'm still looking forward to not being around him any longer, though. He did a lot of cheating during our marriage, and already he's working on hooking his next distraction. It's just painful to witness. I think it's a long distance thing - some girl he knew from back when we lived on the mainland. I was sitting on the couch watching a little TV and his phone was right next to me while he went to use the rest room and up pops a text message on the phone from this girl with a bunch of "XOXOXOXXX!!!"
Irritates and hurts me to see - so I think that irritated hurt person in me decides to pick at my AH a bit, because I just KNOW he's going to lie right away. I just want to make him squirm and feel uncomfortable. Not nice, I know. Amend to make in the future? I'm sure.
"Oh, so are you dating someone now?"
him... "What do you mean? I'm not dating anyone."
me... "Well, 'Tammi' just sent you a text message with a bunch of XOXOXOs all over it."
him... "I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't see it."
me..."Of course you didn't... it just came through now."
him, checking his phone right away "I don't see anything. I'm not dating anyone. I don't know what you're talking about."
Just... WOW. That denial is just amazing. This is what I've been living with for the past six years. Lies covering lies covering lies.
In any case, it's not my business if he's dating or not. Although our divorce papers haven't even been filed yet, I know we're both mentally divorcing ourselves already.
It just boggles my mind to even think about dating someone right now. My best intuition right now is to NOT go dating anyone for a while and just spend a good deal of time working on myself with Al-Anon and possibly even professional counseling. I seriously don't need to go getting myself wrapped up in another relationship because I know that's only going to distract me from working through the grief and the lessons I've been presented with this marriage.
Just shows me how sick my AH is. He's not even out of the house and on his own and he already needs to find someone new to stroke his ego and take care of him.
Thank goodness for Al-Anon - I'm glad its at least got me knowing that I won't find wholeness through another person - and that it's perfectly okay to be alone for a while and not involved in a serious relationship with a person.
Aloha, thank goodness for Mip eh? The DENIAL is astounding, the denial that they create and that I have found myself on the recieving end of on many accasion trying to fathom, Katy sctaches head, oh yes and then there is our denial over their denial, pheweeeeeeeeeee, I just thought D for DENIAL, D for don't even go there, D for thankgoodness we know the the D for difference NOW!
Your feelings are very similar to mine. I filed for a divorce 3 years ago, went back with him for a while and then 8 months ago we split for good. My divorce was finalized June 17th. I'm griefing for what I thought we could have IF he had stopped drinking. I, too, do not want a relationship other than with myself at this time; I want to process the past 36 years and move on. I have had professional counseling for many years. However, I ended it because the psychologist could only take me so far. Now, I feel Al-Anon is the way to go.
We are amicable also. Sometimes, I wish I had no contact with him. However, we're still in the process of getting all his things moved out of the home (I'm keeping the home). He has a lot of tools and big equipment in our garage. He had to buy a pod (container) to store it temporarily on his brother's country property.
He didn't cheat as far as I know. That has got to hurt terribly! I can't begin to imagine. I'm sorry that you had to endure that.
Take care of you, Gail
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You have to go through the darkness to truly know the light. Lama Surya Das
Resentment is like taking poison & waiting for the other person to die. Malachy McCourt
I absolutly applaud your decision to work on yourself right now and not jump into another relationship. Your reward for that will be pricless and you will have all the alanon tools you need to go into a relationship with open eyes and a recovered mind. It gives you a chance to choose a different and more heathy relationship where you both are emotionally available to each other. Many many years ago I dated one A after another after the last one I took a 1 year sabatical so to speak on dating cause i could see my pattern and where it had gotten me. HP saw fit to then put my husband ( not an a ) into my life and while it felt weird at first not having all the chaos etc I stuck it out and soon it became normal to have a man who treated me with love, respect, kindess and honesty. 27 years later we are still happily married. I wish you all the best and most of all serentiy Blessings
Don't be too hard on yourself for testing him, sometimes we just need to remind ourselves why splitting up is a good thing. Considering you're still living together I'd say you will probably have several more instances of testing. I know after living with my ex AH, nothing can shock me anymore. I remember finding needles around the house and him swearing they weren't his LIKE I KNOW ANYONE ELSE WHO WOULD BRING NEEDLES IN MY HOUSE!!! LOL I can look back on it now and laugh. You sound great, just keep doing the best you can every day and find some relief in knowing you will be the only one you have to worry about soon!
