The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This weekend was good. We only fought once and that wasn't long. I am tired and don't want to engage anymore. Yet I find, sometimes I just go there, so fast. I get angry, hurt, or so stressed I feel sick and then boom I am fighting like a caged animal. I have gone to my second meeting.There are two a week where I am so this board is a life saver for me right now. I have a book on the way, I can't wait to read it. I am really working on "letting go.
I am just so exhausted and sad from watching this man I love go away into his sickness. Watching my marriage disingrate. I don't have alot of hope that he will get sober anytime soon. To me that means I can't stay. I am not ready to leave yet and I know this program will help me and I will go when it's time. I have never threatened to leave because I don't want to say that until I know that I am leaving. I just keep crying, grieving sucks.
I hear you Miss Carol, and I also hear too hope that you are way more understanding about your situation than you might be aware of, instead of using the difficult times watching and waiting on our hubbie's, it's very nice to use those down times to do something nice for us, you reminded me of how when I first came to Alanon and found some litrature, I was hungry for everything and anything that made any sense of what I thought was the matter, it's ok to feel our feelings too, just best not to try and dwell on them though, I set myself a a crappie time, during that time I allow myself a sadness, but after a time limit, I say Hey thats it now, pull yourself together woman, and get on with my day, dry those tears and smile it feels much better
Hi (((((Miss Carol)))) Just know that you don't have to make any decisions today, or tomorrow, or next week. Take care of yourself, try to get away from his problems (hard to do since they all seem to involve you, too), and know that the answer to the question of whether to stay or leave will come when the time is right.
"I get angry, hurt, or so stressed I feel sick and then boom I am fighting like a caged animal."
Geeze, I can sure identify with THAT! I KNOW it does no good, he feeds on it and I feel terrible, hurt, and even angrier when I give into the urge to lash out at him, but sometimes I just can't seem to help myself. It DOES feel like a caged animal. I just want to hurt him as badly as he hurts me. And all it does is give him another excuse to drink. It almost seems like you just can't win, doesn't it?
I just keep coming back here and doing all I can to learn to get in touch with ME, so if the day comes when leaving is necessary, I will have the strength I need to do it.
Know you are not alone, please keep coming back and keep us up-dated on how you are doing!!
Denise
__________________
"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Thanks, so much for the support. I can't believe what a miracle it is to not feel so alone. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!! I am going to have a good day today.My choice, my day!
I totally get where you are coming from. My son is our A and the fighting etc was so exausting I was just tired all the time. And as I was sick also he wasnt always the one who started the fights I would get so frustrated I started many a fight myself. Of course people not in the program pushed me to throw him out on the streets and I certainly threatend that so many times but it was an empty threat made usually out of sheer frustration and of course my son knew it was an empty threat the first time i didn't follow through. Thankfully when I found alanon they told me not to make any major decisions in the first 6 months to a year. That was such a relief to me cause I needed that time to work my program and start thinking with a more healthy mind. Right now my son is in jail has been for the better part of a year and wont be getting out until Nov. This time away from him has given me time to work on me without the distraction of all the chaos. Don't get me wrong I adore my son more than anything but I know now I cannot live any kind of serene life with an active A. So he knows when he gets out of jail he is not coming home. He will have to go to a sober living home and prove himself to us cause we have heard all his lies before and been let down. I can make this decision with a clear consience knowing we have done all we can for him and now it up to him now to make his choice of sobriety or drugs. But the point i guess I am trying to make is you don't have to make any major decisions today, you can take the time and learn the tools alanon provides and then make a decision that is right for you. Blessings
SOMETIMES WE JUST HAVE TO CRY; AT LEAST I DO, I FINALLY STOPPED CRYING, THOUGH. AND, IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THE A IN MY LIFE. IT WAS PERSONAL & NOW I AM FINALLY GETTING OVER IT!
