The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I left my AF yesterday. I called my parents and asked the question I knew I'd have to ask eventually: "Will you guys come pick me up?" Lucky for me I have great parents who are able to drop everything, rent a U-Haul, and drive 10 hours to come rescue their 26 year old daughter.
It was hard, it was actually HORRIBLE the day I left. I felt so rushed and like it was so sudden, even though it wasn't and I'd been planning this for months. I KNOW in my head that I made the right decision and that my ex-AF is now free to choose his path without me hindering him. My question is this - Is it ok to NOT close the door on any type of future with this person? I mean, I wouldn't consider communicating with him unless he had some sobriety under his belt, but how long should he be sober before it's "ok" for us to talk? My friends and family think it should just be done for good between us, but obviously I really love this person and think he'd be a wonderful father, husband, etc if he could give up the booze. I'm not saying I'm going to wait for this person, I know I have some work to do on myself and that I need to go on living my life. But I don't want to get ahead of one day at a time and go predicting whether or not this door will be closed forever.
Thank God their are Alanon meetings everywhere I go. I moved yesterday and there's already a meeting I found here to go to tomorrow that's only 10 mins away.
Hi and thank you for your post. It takes a lot more than not drinking to recover for an alcholic or addict. Like all the reasons they chose to cope with life by numbing themselves. I think most people you will hear this from. Its doesnt get ok just becasue they stop drinking. As a matter of fact it can be worse, because a dry drunk is just if not worse than an active one. The only difference is they dont drink all the ism's are still there unless they really get into recovery. It sounds like you made a healthy choice for yourself, working on you and focusing on you. I heard someone say if you want to know what your life will be like with an alcholic, look at how it is now and thats what it will be like....Without recovery since its a progressive disease it can only get worse. Good for you for taking care of you......every choice we make is the beginning of all that is yet to come.....:)
You will be able to answer your own questions in time. Your f2f meetings will be the perfect place to start. For now it's time to put the focus on Clare an start taking good care of her. She is the most important person in your life and deserves all the attention you can give her.
Don't forget it's called "Alcoholism".....Not "Alcoholwasm".
oh you sound like me, except younger and hopefully smarter
There really is no hope he will be a good father- I live with an Adult from an actively drinking home ( I know you said 'if he got sober" , it's not worth the risk when we are talking about children )My adult alcoholic from a Alcoholic home is so messed up emotionally, he feels guilt over everything everything pain, guilt and hopelessness, it's not worth the risk to believe he would be a good father if he stopped drinking.
By the way his sister trys her best and she is a horrible mother with emotionally disturbed children... This is the grandchildren of the alcoholic,,,, it goes on and on, the pain. She has one adult daughter who will not let her baby stay with the Mom because of the results of alcoholism in the family, This is the great grand child of the orginal alcoholic parents... Are you willing to cause your whole family line that much pain?
Do you love this man enough to endanger your future children's slightest hope for a happy life???? If so stay in touch--- if not your out,, so stay out.
I don't believe the alonon program would support this direct of a comment but if it stops one child from the pain I've seen I'll risk it.
Hi, so glad you made a wise choice for your life. To communicate with the A or not is your decision.
As you get furthur into the program, it is good to establish boundaries.
When I asked the A to leave, its was 18 months before we spoke, because he was so drunk, I wouldnt speak with him and if he called I would hang up.
He has been somewhat sober, last 6 months and even then, he ended up in the hospital from one nite of 2 32 oz beers, he almost died. This disease affects them all their lives. Us too if we let it.
Just stay with your program and you will grow stronger and wiser and able to handle whatever you decide.
Aloha (((((Z)))))...the feedback you got here is absolutely similar to what I got and followed up on after I walked away from my own alcoholic wife and I had the same addictive reaction you seem to be mentioning...looking back over my shoulder if she would be making the effort to get sober and catch up to me so we could go buy that new white picket fence and the cottage and more. How ever I ventured into to the program and started to learn about me and what part I played in the disease in our family, my life and my problems and I put the focus on me and started growing away causing problems and pain in my life because I choose the wrong women to marry and want to find happiness with. That was a big part of my problem...my choices. I use to also pick older, broken down cars to fix up too. I was always fixing broken stuff rather than building from new plans. Anyway...follow up on looking at and rebuilding Z and turn the rest over to your HP. If it is meant to be nothing will keep it from happening. (((((hugs)))))
zhotdogs99, Sobriety in my experience does not make a good father, not unless much work is done to change habits of a life time, I applaud you for having the courage to leave, but I would be very sad if you use that time to reflect on the what if and maybe's, trying to focus and work with the what really is will benifit you greatly, much love.
I appreciate the honest feedback. I suppose I didn't convey the message I was wanting to here very well. All I wanted to know is if alcoholics ever do recover enough to have healthy lives so that we can be a part of it in a healthy way. I'm living my life and I'm not "looking over my shoulder" waiting for him to change. But I'm not going to shut that door forever either. No one knows what tomorrow will bring. All I know is that for today I want to be alone and free from the A.
Hi ((((Z)))))!!! In answer to your question, in MY experience, yes, alcoholics CAN recover enough to have healthy lives. My AH is a case in point. Once he started AA, he was sober for a year and a half and that was the most wonderful time we have ever had together (in 38 years!!). He had a relapse after being diagnosed and having surgery for prostate cancer. The relapse lasted 3 (horrible) months but he has now been sober for 2 weeks and is attending AA meetings pretty much every day. I have no illusions that he will be sober for the rest of his life, he could be drunk again tomorrow. I have no control over that, so it's something I am learning to put out of my mind. We have an agreement; if he's sober and working to stay that way, I'll be here for him. If he is drinking, I am out of his life. I am waaaayy too old to spend even one day agonizing over his alcoholic behaviors, I wasted too many years doing that. ( Thus my user name! )I spend the energy I used to spend trying to understand HIM to try to understand ME. I try my best to turn it all over to God because I've seen the wonderful results that this brings when I'm able to do it. I come to this site often to hear from others and to vent about my problems. I have begun attending local al-anon meetings. I read everything I can get my hands on that deal with the problems I'm facing. Things didn't start to turn around for me until I took the emphasis off him and his behavior and put it back on me. Don't know if this helps at all, but I wanted you to know I was thinking of you!!
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
Well, there really aren't any rules . . . do what works best for you and it appears you have a good plan. For me, finally giving up worrying about what they are doing, even that little whisper of hope of future reconciliation, and totally focusing on myself was what it took. Hope for their recovery, hope for mine, is great . . . but the future is unclear and just focusing on today with good goals for myself is the easiest path, although it doesn't feel like it at times.
As for good parents, bad parents . . . what has been said here actually bothers me. There are bad parents - sober ones and drunk ones - shopoholics, overeaters - if they are bad parents then they are just bad parents. Just like cheaters cheat and so on.
I am an alcoholic and I am a darned good parent - I am just a HORRIBLE drunk. I had an A in my life that is passed on now who was a GREAT parent. For both of us, driving while intoxicated really was the worst our affliction brought our children. Dumb, yes. Bad parenting, yes. Fixed by sobriety - yes. Heck, while I was active I did other stupid stuff as a parent - but I am sober now and have been a good parent and will continue to be. I made a mistake for a couple of years, got lost in the bottle and a bad relationship, but found recovery and put my sobriety, my life, and my daughter first. The neat thing, her exposure to the program has given her a good view of what it is to be a fallible human, how to pick yourself up, and she now knows where to go if she has problems of this kind in the future.
If you say he is a good father, husband, etc. then I believe you. Just because he is an A doesn't automatically make him bad at all these things. My lesson - banking on potential. I need to stop doing that. Being with someone because they have the potential to be a good __________ usually doesn't work out. Now I look at what they ARE. I am talking about the core stuff. If a guy is studing to be a doctor, lawyer, real estate agent etc. - learning how to be good at that kind of stuff is good potential and fun to bank on. But if I am banking on a guy to be a good dad, good guy, good husband, loyal, honest, integrity, hard working - if he doesn't come with those features out of the box - I should be running the other direction. If they don't have those features by the age of 18, chances are pretty high they never will.
Just my take.
tlc
-- Edited by tlcate on Monday 28th of June 2010 12:35:07 PM
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To be trusted is a greater compliment than being loved.
Maybe my experience with an alcholic father has jaded my thinking some. You have gotten some pretty good advice from those who wrote before me. I only know that after my mother left my father ( in hopes he would find recovery ) I only saw him sober on a handful of occasions so i really didn't have a father figure growing up. Your kids are lucky enough to have grandparents where maybe your dad can step in an fill that father figure roll. Having said that it took me having a son who is an addict to develop compassion for the A's out there because they are so full of pain and thier escape is drinking or drugs. I believe they are as worthy of love and compassion just as we are. But an alcholic or dry drunk doesn't have the ability to be a good father. Not that they don't want to but it's just not thier priority and as stated above a dry drunk can sometimes be worse than one that is drinking. Reality is your husband should play a part in your childrens life when he is sober ( maybe supervised visits). When you have children with someone you are tied to them wehter you like it or not. So the first thing I would work on is boundaries. I don't think he should be left out in the cold so to speak in regards to his children. I know i sound as if i am contidicting myself here but its just becase I can see both sides of the coin. I am sure your children love thier father and at least for me as a kid I wondered all the time what I did wrong that I couldnt have any communication with my dad. Yes i was told he was an alcholic but I didn't understand that all I knew was everyone else had a dad but me. Is it possible to eventually have a healthy relationship with a recovering A? I would say yes on one hand as most of my family brother, sister etc are in recovery and we have a great relationship. But if I had a partner I would have second, third and forth thoughts on that being a reality because I would always be waiting for that relapse to come and if children were involved I would be extremly wary and on a personal level not even entertain the thought of living with an A recovering or not. Sheesh I have confused myself with this whole post again because i can see both sides. If your husband eventually embraces recovery thats when I would think about a possible relationship until then I would just do my own recovery and move on with my life Blessings to you and your children
Just wanted to comment how 'banking on potential' really resonates! It kept me hooked for years. Truthfully, I need to still remind myself that potential is just that and may never be anything more.
After so much confusion, I have come to believe that my exHA is not all good and not all bad- just a man who has hurtful behaviors from a horrible disease. Our daughter is 18 years old. Will he ever be a good father? I don't know. I do know that he loves her in his own limited capacity and that he wishes he could express how he feels inside. I am not sure that our daughter will ever feel it is enough. One day at a time.
I was pleased to read u had already found an Al-Anon meeting already, so many of us feel if we leave the situation we are okay ..not. you cant wait for him to *see the light * live your life the way u were meant to ,get happy and Bloom where your planted .. there are no guarantees that sobriety will change everything in fact it rarley does , but yes people can change if they want to ..as far as a normal life , for get it . hehe Nothing about this is normal
Yes, there are some success stories, to be sure.... I think the best "advice" I could muster would be to live your life, let happiness find you, and who the heck knows if your future will involve him or not.... No need to close that door (fully), nor any reason to open it up right now....
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I had a similar story. Around 20 days ago, I left my AH (we were engaged for half an year and the wedding was supposed to happen at the end of this year) after seeing him not getting enough help. I was devastated when I left him, like you said, it seems like that I left in such a rush but I actually planned in my head for a while as I just could not tolerate the way he sabotages my life and my happiness and don't want to live like this for the rest of my life.
I think you did a wonderful thing and you are a very brave woman. As long as we stay with our AHs, they will have an extra reason for themselves to not to overcome the addiction. You deserve a better life, a better man who loves you and care about you all the time, not just in the period of being sober.
Try not to think whether you will come back to him and when, try not to think how long he needs to become sober and stay in sober. IT DOES NOT MATTER. As it is not under your control any more, it is his problem and his decision. Try not let his decision influence you as you have your own life to live.
I know it is hard, it is terribly hard. As time passing by, you may start to only remember all these wonderful things he did with you but if you go back, he will do all these horrible things to you as well and the situation could just get worse and worse. Try to distract yourself with other things, give yourself sometime to think about yourself and your happiness without his influence.
