The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have had a huge pitty party weekend which included trying to talk to my A about my "feelings". Didn't go well. He always implys I'm emotionally needy and I always end acting as if that is exactly what I am.
Doctor wants to take out my "girl parts" and I feel way to young for all that. Although I'm not, I'm 44.
Got me thinking (rather feeling) all over myself, still crying now yuk....
I miss so much having someone who loves me do a double take and tell me I'm beautiful or smart or whatever. I am both and he is lucky to have me.
I am lucky to have him because he tries in his own way to show me he cares/ right now it's not really about if he cares, although he does take me for granted a bit, it's about me wanting to feel his hand on the small of my back when we are out, it's about me wanting him to notice when I dress up, it's about me and what I want.
Our "anniversary" of the time we met is next weekend, and admittedly I have changed a bit from when I was 38 and size (0) and tan and really in the best shape of my life.Now at age 44, I'm a size 4, I still tan and work out and yes I do look like the age I am now. Not as perfect as before.
It really feels like if I want that kind of "attention" from him I have to be "better"
Maybe I need to find some other(healthy / good ) way to fill whatever it is in me that wants this kind of affection or love.
Validation from work is great and I get this often, my kids love me, all is good, why is this such an important part of my life to me?
Yes it would be great to get all that validation from the man you love. But, I dont need to remind you that your partner is an Alcoholic. They have a hard enough time dealing with their disease, nothing else seems to matter when there into the drinking.
Your looking for validation outside of yourself, in those shallow things that really dont matter. Looking good and being in shape we do for ourselves.
Being with the A is the lonliest game in town, if we are to stay with an A, we need to face the reality of the disease.
In order to survive this disease we must practice the principles and the program of Alanon and concentrate on the inner journey we must take in order to more than survive it, to come out of it spritually fit.
Keep coming back because it works if you work it. Wishing you courage and wisdom. Luv, Bettina
Its so easy to get off track. In order for me to stay strong, I know I have to be apart.
26 years of being together didnt do it .
The trick in my mind when I start to get swayed, is to go back in my mind to all those crazy disasters and let me tell you , there were loads. LOL
I mean I could end the relationship completely with the X and not bother, but how am I going to grow without him. I need him as a reminder. Nobody else in my life shows me how I can expand my life and be the compassionate person I strive to be.
When your going thru that gratitude list, dont forget to add your A!!
Hugs, Bettina
-- Edited by Bettina on Sunday 27th of June 2010 10:31:12 PM
