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Hello all! I am so glad I found this site, I have been going crazy for the past week. My AH will be coming home from rehab soon and I am so afraid. I know I need to find a group in my home town but I thought I would jump on here while I find one. I went to family week at the rehab and spent a lot of time asking questions and they said Alanon will help. so since I have a one on one with the couslor Tues. I thought in attemps not to waste the consulor time on things Alanon could help with I would ask questions here. I have included my story below if you are interested!
1. What feelings are appropriate to share? I don't have much confidence that he will be sucessful- and it is weighing on me.
2. How can he say that he has had no feelings for a long time then say he loves me.
3. I am worried about certain comments he has made: a. the patients don't like---- she is the only consuleor not an addict, she doesn't get it. What does that say about me? I am afraid he won't talk to me. b.-----been here 6 times geez! When he said that I just think what that could be you are you not willing to work on rehab as many times as it takes?
4. when he comes home I am afraid he won't talk to me or communicate what is going on his excuses will be I had a tough day, I don't feel like talking or I am mentally exhaused and don't want to talk.
5.What is approrpriate to expect when he gets home: can I expect him to uphold the same rules as he did living at rehab, ie: pick up after himself help around the house ect, even though he did not do those things before? If so how can I enforce the rules.
6. what are appropriate boundries to set?
7. I know we need to take thinfs day by day but how? I am a planner!
8. How do I get rid of the feeling that I have to tiptoe around? And just be normal.
As you can see I am pretty mess up! am I overanalysing? What topics should I bring up with the consuleor?
My story: I have known my AH since '85,been married to him for 10years,dated him for 7 years before that. Drinking and partying was our life, we had many good times! and bad(mostly my behavior). We had our 1st child 2002 and that is when things changed! I quit drinking, he went on Paxil for anixety,and started drinking to quiet his mind. I didn't know he was so bad (hiding bottles)ect, for years. Then in 2007 my dad died and AH went to get a physical blood test came back and Dr.gave him 5-10 years to live! I was and am so scared. AH was sober for only 1 month. At that point I kicked him out of the house, he got drunk and ran into a lightpole causing significant damage to his truck but thankfully not himself or anyone eles. His dad and brothers go rescue him, I feel guilty and blamed! He continues to drink I continue to ignore it. In my attempts to fix him he is diagnosed with bipolar. I have spent the last 3+ year tring to find reasons for why he drinks and how to stop. Many hours tring to find the bottles. And of course I have just gone crazy! We have 3 children 8y,almost 6y and a 7 week old. He brought alcohol (hidden) in the hospital while I was giving birth . That made me angry, so I told my MIL and the next thing I know my inlaws are all freaked out and pull him out of work. Want him to go to rehab that day but he could not get in. It was a big crisis! So he lounged around the house for a week or so finally called rehab and we waited for a bed to open up. So now he is in rehab and working the program. I am so proud of him for sticking with it. But ,I feel so far gone that I don't know who I am anymore, I feel a combo of motherhood and living with an alcoholic have striped me of who I am. I have no hobbies no interests no friends of my own,only his family. I don't know where to start or what I want to do,like,try ect!
Thanks for listening! Any guidance is much appreciated!
I totally feel for you. and you will find people here that share your same story. In alanon we don't give advice but we give our own expericences and you amy take what you like and leave the rest, There are no quick answers in the program... by the time we reach alanon we have reached our own bottom much as the alcholoic/addict reaches thiers. We work the same steps as AA but in a different context. First and foremost we learn We didn't cause it We can't control it We can't cure it We work on our recovery while our A works on thiers ( if they have recovery if they dont we still wrok on ourselves) The only suggestion i would give you at this time is Take it One Day at a Time. Sometimes its one minute at a time. I understand you don't trust that your hubby's rehab will "take" so to speak. And by past behavior you have no reason to trust that he will stay sober. Actions speak louder than words. Don't bother looking for bottles and pouring them out etc. They will just replish themselves and lead you back into chaos. Please get yourself to some meetings and things will become much clearer to you... we also have meetings here on line that are awesome. Bottom line is the alcholic will do as they please.... alanon will give you the tools to cope with his behavior in a more rational way and a way that leads to your own serenity. Many A's start out drinking or drugging in an attempt to self medicate for another mental illness. Many of us come to alanon thinking that it is a program to help get our alcholics/addicts better ( thats what brought me here) but this program is soley to get you better ( i almost left when i found that out as I wasn't the "sick one" ) I am so gratful I kept coming back because i found i was sick maybe sicker than my addict and i needed help desperatly. We become addicted to our alcholics/addicts, we make our lives revolve around what they are doing or thinking etc. I believe here you will get your identity back !!!!!!!!!!!!! if you work the program You will have love and support here and no one here will judge you, your situation or your decisions. So Welcome and please keep coming back Hope any of this made sense lol Still waking up
Welcome to MIP,and glad you found us... Your questions are all good, valid, and yes, you're definitely over-analyzing, lol...
The reality is that he is going through HIS recovery, and you have to go through yours..... This didn't take one day to get to where it's this broken, and it certainly isn't going to be resolved in one day, even if he remains sober....
I am a huge advocate of the book "Getting Them Sober", written by Toby Rice Drews.... Volume one is the key one, but she also has books and chapters on what to expect during early sobriety, etc., etc....
I would encourage you to get your hands on those books, and it will help you kick-start your own recovery.... Kudos to you for the work you've begun already, in coming here, setting up Counselling appointments (for yourself), and planning on going to Al-Anon.
Take care Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Welcome, coffee! (Speaking of coffee, I am sitting here with my cup, desperately trying to keep my little min pin from licking out of it when I turn my back! She loves coffee and does not understand that I don't want to share with her!)
It's easy to get all caught up in what will happen after rehab. Things have usually gotten so crazy by the time rehab gets in the picture that it's hard not to hope and hope and hope that he'll get sober and all the chaos will be gone. For me, my AH went to rehab several times before he got a chunk of sobriety. I didn't know that life with a newly sober alcoholic was going to be hard, either. Al-Anon will really help you to learn to put the focus back on the thing you DO have control over, which is yourself. When I got here, I had no idea what that even meant. I'd spent so long in damage control mode, just cleaning up the messes alcholics in my life had made and anticipating the next disaster that I wasn't even really living my own life. Like Xeno said, I am grateful that I kept coming back because I was really sick too, and I needed help - I just didn't know I was sick because I wasn't the one that was drinking. Here, I learned that sober (which is what I was) does not equal healthy or sane (which is what I thought I was).
It takes a while to understand what's going on, and the first few Al-Anon meetings may leave you with more questions. I wish I'd known that before my first meeting. Because I didn't get a quick fix and nobody told me what to do or how to proceed next, I decided I wasn't going back and I was irritated that I lost an hour of my life. It was a year and a half before I tried another meeting. Now I try to tell newbies to not be discouraged if you don't get all your questions answered in the first meeting, just to keep coming back. I still don't have all my questions answered and I've been here for 2 years now - but I'm in an amazing place in my life and my recovery. The miracles are here for you as well. :)
As far as what feelings are appropriate to share - I think whatever feelings you have are appropriate to share here. It doesn't matter what they are, if you feel them and want to share, do so! :) I don't think there's anyone on this board that would not understand what you're saying about not having confidence that rehab will "take." The good thing is, you can begin to have confidence that your own recovery will take, whether or not your husband's does.
Seems like you already have a great attitude - keep it up! Read everything you can get your hands on about alcoholism and Al-Anon literature. Come here and ask questions and share and make friends!
Good luck with your first face to face meeting, and I can't wait to hear how it went for you.
Thanks guys! What I have read here is nothing new I have heard it all before but tend to forget or choose not to listen! ,lol! I am looking for that quick fix and there isn't one. Something worth working for is worth the work! My mind just races with these thoughts and I drive myself crazy! I just need to breathe. I feel calm now, but I may not stay that way. My days and nights are rollercoasters, one minute I feel empowered and hopefully the next I feel hopeless crazy and out of control.
What are somethings you do to calm down? I am thinking I might want to try meditation, any good programs out there?
-- Edited by coffeegrounds on Sunday 27th of June 2010 11:59:09 AM
When I am feeling stressed, I have a few different things that I do... read the literature, journaling has been very calming for me, I work in my yard (that always seems to clear my mind). I come here often besides my weekly F2F.You will find different things that work for you. One thing that I did do before my AH came home, was to make a list of "deal breakers" that we need to do. Things that I need to continue being married to him. I read them to him and we discussed each one at length and we both had to agree to them before I would let him unpack. These are common respectful things that most couples take for granted. He has been home for almost 3 months and things seem to be going well. I don't "check up on him". I don't do "find the bottle". I don't sniff or sip his drinks. I don't remind him to go to his meetings or talk to his sponsor. That is HIS responsibility. I am busy working on my insecurities, my own independence, my own recovery. Today is good and tomorrow will take care of itself... tomorrow. Good luck to you and yours. Peace.
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain.
