The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK bear with me folks........you may need to have a nap half-way!
Serenity.... a word that was never in my vocabulary. Serenity conjures up a calmness and stillness of the mind........ so very far removed from the chaos and insanity of the cunning baffling and powerful disease that made me think I would rather die than continue to watch the child I carried for 9 months, who I loved and nurtured unquestionably into adulthood,deteriorate into an unrecogniseable shell of his former self. The pain knew no bounds.
Serenity was something I never thought I would have as long as my son was actively drinking, hell bent on controlling the beast that all As think they can control. I never thought I would have it within me to remain calm when the threat of prison is hanging over him....even saying it might not be a bad thing! How can I tolerate the fact that he begs on the streets. How can I bear it as he slides further into the hell of it all and associates with the hardened alkies he was so sure he would never be like, and used to pity.....he could control it, couldnt he?
This is the living hell of the family disease of alcoholism....how can you recover, where do you begin?
Let it begin with me you said........
How?.......because you told me I didnt cause it, I cant control it and I cant cure it.....but that I can get better if I am willing to change. You told me its a disease of the mind body and spirit. Its not my fault and this is one thing a Mother cant make better.I cant love it out of him but I can kill him with love. You told me about boundaries and loving detachment, and a whole lot more, and I listened and learned. You gently nudged me to find a f2f......scarey putting myself there, but I did it.......rewarding........oh yes!
Its 18 months since I found MIP and by checking in, one day at a time I am progressing. There is no overnight fix, its damn hard work and a lot of grief has been worked through and many tears shed. I still cry..... for me , for all of us affected by this hateful disease but Im in a better place today than I was then. I accept that I am totally powerless and a power greater than me is restoring me to sanity. Fear, that nearly sucked the life out me, has been replaced by faith..... enabling me to let go......... I am getting better whether the drinking continues or not. I was told these things and more would happen, if I kept coming back.....well, I did, and I want more so will keep coming back because without you all I would probably have thrown myself under a train long ago.
My son is back in detox.... again......and I feel far removed, emotionally, from his chaos. I hugged him hard when he left here on Friday, I had no words for him particularly as theyve all been said before...there was no need. I feel incredibly sad, but somehow detached...I cant really explain it. I knew I was different but I didnt know how much until he was standing right beside me again......I am seeing it, he was seeing it, because I am living it. I think he was brought home here 10 days ago to show me how far Ive come and for him to see the changes. I feel I will be ok whether the drinking continues or not. He will not be ok if the drinking continues.....
I know the sadness will always be with me and and my son, whether he achieves sobriety or not, will always have the disease of alcoholism that is why the Al-anon programme will always be with me....
TY for being here sharing all your ES&H. Your gentle encouragement, love and support have got me to where I am today.....progress not perfection
(((((((((((Hugs))))))))))))) Ness x
P.S....If you are a newbie and have read this far, I was told not to leave before the miracles happen, well being an old cynic I had my doubts but I had nothing to lose and I have gained much..... keep coming back , it works if we work it.
Wow... that is an incredibly inspiring and humbling post.... My hope is that everyone - particularly any parent of an addict or alcoholic - on this board.... reads it.... Very powerful stuff, and truly does show the power of choosing recovery for ourselves....
Awesome stuff
Tom
__________________
"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
Thank you for your post. I am a mother of an addict and you so eloquently put my feelings into words. Your progress in this program gives me hope. I to have found that love cannot cure this disease and that even as I thought that as a parent I could fix anything for my children, this disease is so far out of my control I can't do anything except turn it over to my HP. My son is currently in jail and I cannot feel anything but sadness that I am gratful he is there in thier rehab program. I mean how can a mother be gratful to have a child locked up. But It gives me great solace to know that he is safe, sober, food to eat and a bed to sleep in because frankly he was on his way to living on the streets. Will the rehab work? I've no idea... will he end up living on the streets or in a shelter? I've no idea. I only know that through this program I can no longer live with an unrecovering A and will have to respect whatever decisions he may make for his life. I mourn for the child I raised... who was smart, loving, humorous, athlectic and truly had the world at his feet. He could have been succesful at anything he wanted to be and he chose drugs. I spent so many hours, days crying and thinking about when and where things went wrong. He wasn't raised this way so I was sure it was something i did or didn't do. I wanted a do over and make it right. Of course thats not possible. For now i can only support him in his attempt at recovery and always remind him that he is loved no matter what he does. But also let him know our boundaries. If my husband and I are to have any kind of normal life I actually have to let my child go and that breaks my heart to no end. Blessings in recovery
Ness, I really needed to read your post. I'm still so worried bout my son. I'm still here reading everyday. I'm trying to interact but??? This is encouraging. OK
Thank you so much for your powerful, message. and the example that by attending this program and sharing here, our situations may not change but our ATTITUDES certainly do.
Your explanation of how you were able to feel sadness at the pain of this disease at the same time feeling, serenity, peace, acceptance , gratitude and hope certainly inspired me.
I know that this was not attained overnight and that by working your program ODAT and coming here the Miracles happened . Your are right it is not easy and there is pain but the rewards are great.
Thank you for sharing your recovery with us.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 27th of June 2010 07:10:49 PM
Wow, and thanks so much for sharing, I can't go into enough detail to tell you how impressed I am by your courage and the fact that you love your son enough to let go!--- I've seen the other side- where the Mom hangs on, controls and contributes to the illness of her son. I've also seen Mom's of men who are not A's control and ruin who they could become as people. I've seen women do this with their daughters some but not as much. You are a Mom who gets it! It is our job to do the best we can with what we have at the time and then give them space to grow into who they want to be- whatever that path may be, I like to think of "Train up a child in the way he should go and when they are old they will not depart from it- doesn't say they won't stumble- or even go down many difficult paths-- but when they are OLD (mature) they will not depart from it. --- assuming we let go and let God!
Ness x