(((Diva))),

You are a strong woman.  When you are finally ready you will know it because you will just do it without giving it a second thought.  I know the feeling of growing old alone.  I miss my Tim everyday.  However I am comfortable being alone. When I really think of it, I'm not growing old alone. I have my family and friends, as well as my beloved Pipers Kitty.  I am content.  That's saying alot for me.  You will be too.  Much love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,
Karilynn & Pipers Kitty

I've been right where you are.  I spent 36 years of marriage hoping he'd see the light. 

I'm divorced now.  One of the things that stopped me was not wanting to be alone.  But then I actually listed all the things that we did together that I enjoyed.  It was a extremely short list.  And then I listed all the things I want from a relationship and compared the two lists.  The decision was clear.  No doubts.

Now I'm not fearful of growing old without a significant other.  Actually, the idea of being in a relationship freaks me out!  I LOVE my solitude when I'm at home.  When married, I was very alone while he was here.  To me it was the worst kind of lonliness.

I figure I did the best I could to make our marriage work.  I also figure that if I keep hanging on to 'Mr. Wonderful' I might be missing opportunities to meet someone whom I'm really compatible with and drinks within reason, or better yet. not drink at all.

I told myself that I had to let go of what wasn't working in order to be able to embrace what will come.

BTW, I'm considered a bit old - age 55.  However, I don't worry about age.   I just concern myself on how I feel.  And I feel wonderful now - more energy than I know what to do with because I'm not bogged down with worrying about the A that was in my life.  I still care very deeply about my ex.  We are quite civil to one another and I help him out some when I can.  I always told him before we parted that I was not gonig to turn into his enemy.

Whatever is right for you, Diva, it will come.  Take it easy on yourself and try to avoid labels.

Take care!  Gail

Hi Diva,

I was there too, although my marriage to the AH lasted only 1-1/2 years before the divorce was final.   When my first husband died, we had been married for 18 years.  I was terrified to live alone.  I was terrified to grow old alone.  I have no relatives.  I have no children.  My friends had disappeared when my husband died.  So, when I say that I was alone and fearful, I really mean that I was a-l-o-n-e.

I married my second husband, who was the A, largely because I was being ruled by fear.  Here was someone who would be with me and I wouldn't be alone.  But, I quickly found out that being with him cost too much emotionally and I was frightened of him and of the things he did.

So, I had to make a decision: stay and be miserable and alone, or leave and be miserable and alone.  Either way I was living with fear.  Either way I was living a life I didn't enjoy.  I decided to make the choice that left me open for some sort of happiness.

Once he was out of my life, the relief was great.  I learned to face the fear of being alone and learned to tolerate aloneness nicely.   I learned that being alone and being lonely are two different things.  I gained confidence just by doing small things.  I felt comfortable and gradually I no longer felt afraid.  Then, out of the blue, I met a really nice man.  He treats me very well.  He is honerable, respectful, gentle, kind.  He is everything I loved about my first husband. 

We were married last year.  We are both very happy.  I keep thinking about how close I came to never meeting him because I might have been too afraid to leave the A.  I finally understood what FDR was talking about and he was right:

"...the only thing we have to fear is fear itselfnameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance." - Franklin D. Roosevelt

I can so relate to the "alone" feeling. But after, many years, 3 marriages and 4 children, the person that I was really afraid of was Me. Once I began to accept myself, which wasn't easy, life alone took on a whole new meaning. I opened a business ( I was lucky to have a mom who helped, who was by the way also a single mother), I worked hard and I loved it. It gave me confidence in myself.

I've had to deal with so many anger issues with my children. They didn't have the life that everyone else had. And believe me when I tell you it went on for years. It is still going on to an extent, although I find as they get older and realize that life is never easy for anyone, they have begun to understand and accept. Whether it is opening a business or going to the movies by yourself, it is all the same. It is about you.

The important thing that I learned was that, it wasn't a man or person that I needed. What I needed was to be able to rely on something. Something that wasn't going to be gone tomorrow (I think this all started with my father who left at an early age") but ultimately that something was me. It took some years and investing in myself. I learned photography (with a simple point and shoot, couldn't afford anything else), but it filled a lot of lonely hours. At this point in my life, I have a great camera, I'm still a sponge for knowledge and my days are filled with that.

I'm married to a wonderful man who supports my interests and deals with my insecurities. This is by no means a Cinderella story. I have a daughter who is an alcoholic. I have a daughter who is Bi Polar. I have been on State Assistant in raising them, when there was no money. But, in retrospect, I think everything I have, was because, at some point I realized I had me, and refused to be defined by anyone but me.

Never give up on yourself.