His Anixity is Chokin me!!! - Al-Anon Family Group

Jozie · ~*Service Worker*~

His Anixity is Chokin me!!!

lyndebi · ~*Service Worker*~

Trying to imagine Mr.Anxiety with his hands around your neck. hmmmm

From my experience,many moons ago...the AH did not like to be out of his comfort zone. Most I have known are so tunnel visioned. It is like they have to know where there drug can be had,or bought,and a place to do it.Even ones in recovery may feel this.

They may not even know what makes them so freaked out.

I gave up and never went anywhere anymore and learned to enjoy being home with him.

I hate to share this...gads,I pray you don't find you wish you would have left him home and strapped a dog on your bike.

Hugs!!! be careful! debilyn

abbyal · ~*Service Worker*~

Yikes , that was dejavue for me , we made plans for yrs only to have him do exactly what your husb is doing right now , then I learned about plan B , make your plans and if he starts acting out , go anyway , the next step will possibly be he will pick a big fight with you and end it or so he thinks ... trip is off ..
As my husb progressed into his disease this happened all the time , then a woman a AA member told me that my husb could function only in his familiar enviorment , his workplace , his friends etc .. anxiety about how to hide how much he was drinking from others away from home is crucial for the alcoholic .. always need to be one step ahead .
If you decide to do this trip alone u dont have to make excuses for your husb simply tell your friend he changed his mind but u decided to come anyway .. goodluck
Oh and if its his first trip in sobriety , he is scared shitless , new people strange surounding etc . so compassion works here and of course alot of patience on your part .

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Jozie the best thing I've ever learned about fear is don't feed it and love anyway.

Most times if you don't react to their fear your peace of mind and serenity will
rub off.

Have a great trip Harley Lady. Vrooooom ((((hugs)))) smile

Andrea12 · ~*Service Worker*~

I hope you have a safe and wonderful trip and all the BS stays behind.

With Hope,
Andrea

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi Jozie, my husband always defaults on our plans last minute, or makes so many stipulations before we go, So as in the past I used to be so anxious I possibly caused a bigger scene worrying so much and projecting the worse, so these days plan B is a blessing for us, and also once you get used to going alone a few times the dissapointment is replaced with relief, (((((((((((((((((SIGH))))))))))))))))))

Katy

x

never going back · Senior Member

Oh my gosh, I can SO relate to this. I love to travel and have always taken a trip in the summer (I was a teacher, so I had to limit traveling to summertime). My AH and I started traveling from the first year we were married and continued after the kids were born. We travel cheap; tents at the KOA, Seal-A-Meal for supper, sandwiches for lunch, going to all the free or 'cheap' attractions. Slowly as the years went by, he started having anxiety before and during the vacations. We would always have huge fights before hand, and he was just as you described, Jozie, going into 'complete overdrive'. Only he would leave the important things, like car maintenance, until the very last, hoping, I think to be able to cancel the trip when the car wasn't ready. I don't know how many times we've picked up our vehicle at the repair shop, loaded it up and taken off from there! One year when my 2 oldest were 9 and 5, he told me he wasn't going to be able to take a trip that summer, too much to do at work. So, I loaded them up and we went to Mammoth Cave by ourselves for a week. (MUCH to his surprise, I'm sure!). Another time when my kids were 13,9, and 4, he told me 3 days before we were scheduled to leave that he wasn't going to be able to go, thinking, I'm sure, that we would cancel the trip. NO WAY! I loaded them all up (Plus a 'stray' kid that was living with us at the time) and we took off for a week to Michigan's Upper Penninsula. My kids and I still remember these 2 trips as the best we ever took, I'm sure because my AH wasn't there to criticize and complain about every little thing.
He obsessed about having car trouble, hated to stand in line for ANYthing, had a conniption every time we ran into road work, wanted to know exactly where we'd be and what we'd be doing every minute, and if we weren't right on schedule, he'd go into a rant. Vacationing with him became a dreaded chore and I really hated it for my kids sake. And what would REALLY piss me off was that, after making us all miserable for a week, we'd get home and he couldn't wait to tell everyone what a wonderful trip we'd taken, what a great time he'd had. Hmmmm, where was I when HE was having such a great time? Must have missed that part!
However, he soon found that his behavior in that area could not control mine. Like I said, I would just take the kids and go, leaving him at home where he would spend the entire week worrying about us. I also take a 'girls' trip with my friends once every year and that has been wonderful! I LOVE traveling with people who can find fun in a detour, instead of making out like it's the end of the world! Abbyal is right, i always had my Plan B in place, and carried it out when he made that necessary.
I really liked Lyndebi's and Abbyal's comments. At the time all this was going on, I didn't know my husband was an A, but it all makes so much sense now. He didn't want to leave his 'comfort zone'. He didn't want to spend a week with his family, knowing that he probably wouldn't be able to drink for those 7 days.
I continue to marvel at the things I read on here, and how often they mirror the experiences I've had.
(((((Jozie)))))), I hope you have a wonderful trip with or without him. And thanks so much for sharing, helps me to know I'm not crazy and I'm not alone!!!
(sorry about the long post, I'm a rambler, too!!)

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

It has been my experience, Jozie, that whenever we have planned some special event, he finds a way to cancel it or make what should be a fun occasion miserable.

He either starts drinking as soon as we reach our destination, cancels the trip altogether and leaves me to decide whether I really want to go by myself, or embarrasses me to tears. Last year we planned a big birthday dinner for me. He started drinking before the guests arrived, behaved in an obnoxious manner, and yes, he spoiled my celebration. One could say, "Don't let his drinking spoil things for you." Well, I have yet to get to the point of not allowing his unacceptable behavior to bring me down.

I am unwilling to give in, give up my life and hopes and dreams, and stay home with him when there are so many things I want to do, and places I want to see.

All of this tirade does have a point: I understand how you feel. I believe they are all the same Jozie. They just come in different packages.

I send you bet wishes,

Diva

Oh I nearly forgot the biggest insult of all...In April we had planned a wonderful trip for two weeks. Had all arrangements made here at home, flights, autos, and hotels booked. He decided to binge a few days before our departure. He left the house drunk, and did not return home until the afternoon of the day we were to leave. He said he thought I'd be gone. Looking back, I should have gone. Somewhere. ugh!

-- Edited by Diva on Saturday 26th of June 2010 09:26:19 AM

Mynameismom · Veteran Member

Consider it your friend and your journey. If he backs out, consider going for you! This is something you really want to do. If, God forbid, this man wasn't here, would you do it? If so, then go for it. Leaving him behind won't change anything that you can control. I know these are only words but, it is your life as well, and you are valuable.

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