The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My last long relationship with the ex a for 7 years is what brought me here. I first went to al anon more than 20 years ago and did not think I qualified. I was not ready then. I can see why. Doing this work is one of the most painful things I have ever approached. I am not talking about the damage, the chaos the frustration of living with an alcoholic, I'm talking about me, who I was, who I had become and what I would tolerate as "love". I needed the ex A because I felt I couldn't function without him. I did not care for, love, respect or have any patience with myself. No wonder I took him on.
Looking at my part, how I had such low self esteem I put up with the mess, chaos, financial ruin and car crashes for years. How I really didn't value myself at all and so did not have any alarm bells about having people around me who were on self destruct. Looking at who I really was rather than the air brushed picture of patience, love and caregiving I produced for so long. That picture was a great "screen" but it wasn't acurate by any means.
The ex A certainly dragged me down into the gutter with him. The fact is I wasn't too well to begin with otherwise within 5 minutes of meeting him I'd have seen the light.
I think that there is something in all of us here, that for some reason, we have/had very low self esteem. We can be successful in our business life, be valued members of the community, and appear very put together. But when you peel the layers off us, we don't think very highly of ourselves. I have been reading a lot and have been very startled to find this out about myself. After months of self examination, I too have realized that for some reason, I didn't think that I was lovable. I don't know if subconciously if I stayed because at least I was "needed." Being here and attending alanon has truly been a journey and I know I'm not even close to getting to my destination, but I am making progress now. Take care of yourself and be gentle.... we deserve it!!
Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass; it's about learning to dance in the rain.
I think that there is something in all of us here, that for some reason, we have/had very low self esteem. We can be successful in our business life, be valued members of the community, and appear very put together. But when you peel the layers off us, we don't think very highly of ourselves. I have been reading a lot and have been very startled to find this out about myself. After months of self examination, I too have realized that for some reason, I didn't think that I was lovable. I don't know if subconciously if I stayed because at least I was "needed."
Were you peeking over my shoulder when you wrote that? Because that's the story of my life.
Except that I figured out the "not feeling lovable" part early on, since my A parents rammed that message home to me on a daily basis. Yet even knowing now, on an intellectual level, that it was about their disease and not about me doesn't automatically change the way I perceive myself.
Al-Anon helped me clue in to the fact that being "needed" represented more security for me than being loved -- because sooner or later he'd realize that I wasn't lovable. But need had more permanence. And that I somehow gained some strange, warped sense of self-esteem from being a martyr.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
. Looking at who I really was rather than the air brushed picture of patience, love and caregiving I produced for so long. That picture was a great "screen" but it wasn't acurate by any means.
The ex A certainly dragged me down into the gutter with him. The fact is I wasn't too well to begin with otherwise within 5 minutes of meeting him I'd have seen the light.
Maresie.
Dear Maresie
What a great awareness !!!. My very first 4 th Step revealed tha tr painful truth to me as well!!! My surface certainly looked kind and compassionate however MY MOTIVEs were extremely self serving. I am truly gratefu l for this program for now I do value myself and feel true compassion and understanding for others.
This is so true. When I did my fifth step with my sponsor, I told her I was mad at God for dropping a whole bunch of alcoholics on me. She chuckled and asked me if I really thought God did that TO me. It made me really think and see my part in it all. Even though for a long time I didn't recognize that I was making choices at all and I felt like I had NO choices, I made the choices that got me where I am. My exAH's drinking bothered me from our first date, but I still went out with him. He wrecked my car while he was drunk within the first month we were dating, but I kept dating him and married him. And then I was shocked that he didn't change!?? And 8 years later when he hadn't changed, I divorced him. Then I met my now AH, who stood me up for our first date because he was drinking. And did I learn anything the first time? Apparently not, because I forgave him for standing me up and went out with him and married him. It's easy to see all the mistakes there, and all the choices I made that caused my own drama - but I really don't think I'm so different from many others that qualify for al-anon, and I don't apologize for the choices anymore or feel dumb for making them.
Sure, maybe I was set up from childhood to make the choices I made and so those choices are not a surprise. I got the message from my parents loud and clear that I was a burden and imperfect and unworthy. It was no surprise that I came to believe the things they impressed on me for so long. Thing is, those things were lies. The messages were given by people that were spiritually sick and incapable of anything else at that time. It sucks that it happened that way, but I can't just sit there and blame other people anymore. Now I'm an adult and I have my own kids. If I want to get better, I need to look in the mirror.
Thanks for the share - I reeeeally needed this today.
I don't think any of us subconciously look for an A. It just turned out that way. My AH drank while we were dating but I don't think he was an A at that time. My parents didn't beat me or abuse me. They simply ignored me, made me feel like I was a burden, and withheld any type of affection. I don't think they knew any better. I think they did the best they could and neither of them had good childhoods. Their lives growing up were tough to say the least. Maybe all this happened to us for a reason. Maybe there is somebody out there that we are meant to help in the future and all that we learn here, we can pass on and help ease their pain. I know myself personally, I wish there had been somebody out there a long time ago that understood what I was going through and had reached out to me. It may have helped me sooner. I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason and maybe this happened to me just so I could become more compassionate and a better person. I guess I'll have to hang around and wait and see...
Everyone, its ok to love an alcoholic, doesnt mean you have low self esteem, I look at it as having hope and believing in the human potential of every human being.
If you judge yourself in saying you have low self esteem, then you are judging the alcoholic as not being worthy of love. Being an alcoholic is not a moral issue and loving one is not either.
Are part in it is the fact that we chose this person, would we have low self esteem if we married and our spouses had contracted another physical type of of disease.
Even though the A and I have parted, I can honestly say I stayed because I had hope and faith that it would always get better, sometimes it does and sometimes its not, Thats life , it is what it is. There is no such thing as a paradise, life will always have its struggles with or without the A.
Lets linger on how we can make our lives positive and creative for ourselves. Luv, Bettina
Great lead and greater feedback no wonder I've been able to have the recovery I have enjoyed...it was originally lovingly drapped over me by the Ladies of Al-Anon. Sometimes not so lovingly cause I use to practice some serious Ratism back then. LOL
After the seeds were planted I learned that the most natural desires of myself and many of my fellows was to Love and Be Loved. That is why I tried my damdest to standy by my family, friends and alcoholics (ics) I wanted to practice my loving. On the other hand I was looking for love from them and others and often times like the song goes "in all the wrong places". The consequences of that one is that I got lots of proof that I was unloveable because it wasn't coming back and not returned in a way or time that verified me. I got into the perception that I wasn't loving good or hard enough and what do you do with this perception? Love harder; sometimes so much harder that it pisses the others off and I get shoved away. Failure means try even harder except when I get here and learn to let go...hmmmm what do I do with the low self esteem I got from not being verified or loved back?
I learned to and started to practice love with the one person I abandoned...myself. The greatest commandment reads..."Love others as you love yourself." If I don't know what self love is then how in the world do I know what love of others is? I call it love but is it. I learned that it had nothing to do with love and everthing to do with attention. I gave tons of attention and wanted tons of attention back!! I wanted a spot light on me and I spot lighted lots of other people...I had a major spot light on my alcoholic and I gave her more attention than anyone could want I power and controlled that woman with attention until I learned (later) the meaning of shame and guilt.
It was a female member of the Al-Anon Program where I grew up in who gave me my definition of love; which is "Love is the complete and total acceptance of any other human being for exactly who they are." When I heard that I knew that I had never known the definition or practiced it before. Nothing in that definition about getting and giving strokes or patronizing so I look good or getting in return. Love is unconditional acceptance of the person for exactly who they are...nother words just like HP accepts me...Love is a personal characteristic.
I dont think we are judging ourselves, when we have awareness that we have low self esteem. I think it is just a matter of facing the truth about ourselves in that moment. It's not blame or judgement, it is merely about understanding the why's and how's - of how we got to this place/point in our lives. I dont judge A's - I put them first in my life for the majority of it and it took a lot of painful awareness and deep searching before I could change. I did have to accept where I was, first.
The truth was, I did not love me first and therefore, I put other's opinions over mine. I did not love and value me first, so I didnt listen to myself. Once I did put me first, I did question why I had put up with so little in return in my past relationships and for me it all came down to not loving and valuing me first. After setting boundaries and changing friends -- I didnt have the same (sick) need to be around others, (attemtping) to fix them, I simply work on me and continually practise detachment from other's issues, feelings, attitudes. I can only change me and loving my life first, is a gift today. Today I validate, honor, respect and love me, so I am not looking for that from others. It has been freeing and liberating.
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Light, Love, Peace, Blessings & Healing to Us All. God's Will Be Done. Amen.
Kitty - that's exactly what I was trying to say but you put it much better. I don't judge myself anymore, but I am very very aware of how long I did before I got recovery. Now I put some effort into meeting my own needs instead of waiting for someone to meet them that can't even meet his or her own, and then being disappointed and crushed when I don't get what I want. :)
i certainly have "loved" many alcoholics, my family are always in my thoughts. However how I interact with them is conditional on their behavior. I have unconditional love certainly but that does not mean I am a pushover anymore. I was certainly set up for abuse, dysfunctional relationships. I can no longer blame that set up. These days I have to take full responsibility for my choices. I make choices based on what's available to me at the time. I'd really rather not deal with alcoholics or dysfunctional people but I do day in and day out. I make better choices in doing that than I did in the past. In the future I hope those choices lead me to a place that I won't have to interact so much with them at all. No matter how I detach, focus, do self care the fact is if I am around active alcoholics their chaos and dysfunction does affect me on some level.
Where this may be true in some, it is not true in all.
For me I liked men who played. Motocycles, skiing,swimming,hiking,camping all that.The fact they drank beer did not matter. We were young.
They held great jobs, had degrees, good families. The trouble is we have NO idea they are A sometimes until much much later!
Addiction does not discriminate. Good, strong, reliable,trustworthy, honest people can be addicts, as the disease progresses so do the symptoms!
I agree that some people and addicts are attracted to active A's when they are showing symptoms because they need someone who will accept them, or allow them to use each other.
I can honestly tell you, when the used to be AH in my life was a turkey, he was shown the door. My reason for keeping on for so long, was to make sure I had tried everything. When it became dangerous, that was that.
It was 100% my belief that marriage comes from our Creator, he hates divorce, that I made sure it was time to let go.
I am not attracted to addicts at all now.They seem immature and hurting. I cannot change that. I can show compassion, share what I can. But like everyone else, we can offer info and direction but they are the ones who have to use it.
Mary I LOVED your dropping out of the sky! lol lol You are showing your humor, would LOVE to see more of that! I love you, and your critters, deb
Thank you for that post I can relate on so many levels. Growing up surrounded by A's, abusers, unrecovered alanoners and ragaloics my self esteem was a 0 on a 1-10 scale. And while dating it was no wonder that i was always atracked to A's and abusers, it was what i knew and what I thought I deserved. For some unexplainable reason HP brought my husband into my life, not an A but also brought up in a family of A's. He was the total opposite of what i was normaly drawn too and it took me a long time to trust a man who was kind and caring. Kept waiting for that other shoe to drop and he would show his true colors because why would such a man want me I thought. But the shoe never dropped this was my first experince with unconditional love and we married. 27 years later I still wonder what I did to deserve him. But when I married I still had no self esteem so I pretended I acted as though I was a strong, confident and believed in myself. When our kids were young we moved them 3 states away from the chaos of our family so they didn't have to experience what we did. But even though I projected a person of high self esteem i was always sure someone would point a finger at me and call me out as the fraud I was. I didn't think i was sick I thought my feelings of worthlessness were perfectly normal. I too had the chance to embrace recovery 20+ years ago but again I wasn't the sick one right? My biggest regret is that I walked away from that recovery because as much as we raised our children totally different than the way we were raised we carried all the traits of the A and unknowingly passed those on to our children. Had I embraced recovery when I had the chance I could have taught them much more healthy coping mechinisms. Well one of our children became an A and all that pretending caught up with me big time. I would really like a do over with raising our children but that can't happen. So all I have is today and mostly my recovery. Still workin on that self esteem issue but now I have all of you to keep me on track Very importantly I want to say that I love all the A's in my life especially my son for whom my love is unconditional and never ending no matter what he does. A's are very sick much like i was/am. I don't see A's as unloveable or worthless they are just as deserving as any of us they just don't know it yet and that is heartbreaking to me.
While I certainly didn't embrace al anon decades ago, I did deal in therapy and other groups with my childhood issues. i don't believe for me that I would have been able to look at myself till I dealt with the fact I was abused, neglected and abadnoned. Recovery is a different route for all of us. I know longer think advanced recovery or beginning recovery I think of different levels.
