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Something has been bothering me for a long time and I am hoping that if I put this "out there" maybe I can get over it. Been married to AH for many years and had tons of "friends", our house was always full of people. I seldom ever shared a drink with any of them, but truly enjoyed their company (AH drank with them constantly). But now after 4 rehabs and a AH that IS working the program and doing well, it is like we have been shunned. If they meet us on the street, they will say hello but that is about it. One of these couples were our best friends (for like 20 plus years) and it seemed like when AH was at his worst, they were right there, telling me to leave him, shaking their heads at his alcoholism. Now, we see them seldom, they have replaced us with other friends which I KNOW is ok, because they evidently weren't our friends in the first place, but it still does really hurt. I never realized that people can be so shallow and when things aren't "fun", they just move on. Or am I just being naive at believing that people DO stick around when things aren't going well?
I'm not sure if this applies in your situation, but my experience has been that sometimes people deal with their own discomfort with an issue by avoiding it. That discomfort can arise because they're afraid of possibly having to examine their own relationship with alcohol, or reawakened memories of dealing with A's, or just not knowing the "right" things to say.
And there are those friends of the "fairweather" variety, who don't want to deal with any speedbumps in their interactions with others.
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Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could... Tomorrow is a new day. You shall begin it serenely and with too high a spirit to be encumbered with your old nonsense. - Emerson
What an interesting reaction to someone doing something positive in their lives. I agree with the reasons in the above post. My AHsober left 5 years ago after 30 years of marriage. My oldest friends are still around and supportive. They have gone thru similar scenarios. However, my family and the general public say nothing. The silence is weird.
I agree with the above. Also, 'drinking buddies' are much different than friends. Drinking buddies are definitely around for the good times, but disappear during the bad. My husband has seen virtually none of his drinking buddies since he quit drinking over 4 years ago unless they needed something. I think this is very common although very sad. I don't know whether it's because the fun is over or whether they don't want to look at their relationship with alcohol, but it's very hard when you are the one being shunned.
Both my husband and I have started looking elsewhere for friends. I"m also much pickier about who I make friends with now. It leaves me with fewer friends and less of a social life, but what I have is a lot more meaningful.
I can relate to all of the above and I am reminded of what a man I had great respect told me when I was in my early 20's and he was in his 70's. Of course when you are in your 20's you have tons of friends, so I had doubts when he told me....."If a person goes through life and can fill up one hand with "good" friends he has had a very successful life"....As I got older I realized he was correct.
Be grateful the friends have driffted away , less tempatation for hubby and remember they are still drinking so he would make them feel a little awkward --I know it hurts but be grateful , make new friends he is in AA and hopefully u are attending Al-Anon meetings the fellowship makes it so much easier .. my husb and I found 3 couples to chum with and we had pot luck suppers ,or movie nites for a couple of yrs . 90 percnet of our friends now are AA and Al-Anon members , some of our old friends have drifted back in our lives now after we were the ones who reached out to them , people drinking in front of my husb dosent bother him at all .. remember its not personal its circumstances that have changed .. period . The wives are probably secretly jealous u have a sober husband . hehe Goodluck Louise
I think I have some friends that are kind of like this. They were drinking buddies of mine, really - well, we spent a lot of time drinking when we were younger, anyway. Now that I don't keep alcohol at home anymore and don't want to be around places where there is a lot of drinking going on because I can acknowledge that it makes me uncomfortable and that I'd just rather NOT, I see a lot less of them. Some of it is my doing, honestly. Sometimes they invite me to parties that I know will just be drunk fests, and I don't care to go. The more time I spend with friends in recovery, the less I want to be in any environment with alcohol. I mean, I would enjoy my friends' company if we could have a not-liquid lunch, but that mostly doesn't happen. These friends don't understand alcoholism as a disease, and don't understand why I don't want to sit around with people getting hammered and not get hammered myself - lol. I think once I said no several times to the invites, they stopped asking nearly as often. They don't understand how my life could possibly be any fun without alcohol in it.
I guess I really feel okay about all of it, though. I wasn't happy in the times where I partied a lot. I can't help wondering if my friends are truly happy - and I hope they are, but the choices that they are making are not the same choices I want for myself. I'm glad that my AH and I have made friends with some other couples in the program, and we can have people to do healthy and sober stuff with. I consider myself more fortunate than my friends, because I realize how much I have grown. :)
Thanks for all your input. I guess I knew the whys but unfortunately I still feel left out. I know that we are better off without them. My AH is doing a few things now with different members of AA and I am really glad for them and I encourage this because it is so good for him. It's just hard not having the "couple" thing anymore. Thanks for all your feedback. I feel better just knowing it is off my chest....
I could be wrong, but I feel like my husband's drinking buddies, some who had been in our lives for 30 years, drifted away and became uncomfortable around my AH because they no longer had what is, to them, the most important thing in their lives in common anymore. Once he quit drinking, they just didn't have the same idea of 'fun'. And they avoided him (us) because they were ashamed to admit to themselves that their feelings and priorities all revolved around alcohol. He now made them uncomfortable and that's an intolerable feeling for a drunk. But you're right, it still hurts.
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"The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time."
It sucks I know, you will begin to see who your real friends are. Sometimes other people dont like the reminders that they may be indulging just a little Too much. or afraid its catchy.
Everyone has advise for the spouses of Alcoholics, they have never been in the program of Alanon and do not understand the disease. Dont look for validation from other people who dont really know about alcoholism. Just keep with the program and dont be discouraged.
Yes, real friends stick around.
Keep coming back, because it works if you work it.
Sweet...that is more usual than expected. I went thru the samething myself and it was okay to let go of those who bailed out when the drinking stopped and just let life rebuild with sober people. It never gets perfect some of the sober ones gots their issues also and none of us are perfect. It is nice not to be around alcohol fixated people any longer and to be off of it myself. Friends within the disease are weird and that is what they use to say about me!! LOL. (((hugs)))
When my husband was the fun drinker, our home was filled with people stopping by all the time....once he became an obnoxous obvious alcoholic it slowed down.....once he tried to quit.....they all stopped coming except a few...our real friends.
Now my house is just as full sometimes too full of teenagers..lol
If they are your true friends they would not stop coming....it's funny how life always shows its true face.........
Take it easy, enjoy life...and don't worry about it, after my husband died I had two people to stop in and check on me and those were my friends of 30 years. And I have a huge family.
It is unfortunate but that is exacly how it is...the free booze stopped flowing and hmmmmm look what happened. it is what it is dear friend.
With Hope, Andrea
-- Edited by Andrea12 on Saturday 26th of June 2010 08:15:11 AM
During the worst of my ex-AW's addiction, I decided to abstain from drinking altogether - didn't touch a drop for over 5 years - for the sake/sanity of the children.... During this time, I lost quite a few "friends", who were uncomfortable with me NOT drinking. What a concept!! In the end, I suppose my "true" friends are still with me, while some of those others never really were 'friends' in the first place.... I remember being quite shocked at the time, but "it is what it is"
Take care Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
the fellowship makes it so much easier .. my husb and I found 3 couples to chum with and we had pot luck suppers ,or movie nites for a couple of yrs . 90 percnet of our friends now are AA and Al-Anon members , some of our old friends have drifted back in our lives now after we were the ones who reached out to them , people drinking in front of my husb dosent bother him at all .. remember its not personal its circumstances that have changed .. period . The wives are probably secretly jealous u have a sober husband . hehe Goodluck Louise
