The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
We are behind on everything and my A has now decided I should be the one talking to them. I really just want to tell them this: I am not working, my husband is not reliable and I don't know when or if you will ever get your money. Thank you and have a nice day. (or come and get the truck). We just moved but it is more of the same. I didn't expect things to be different.
You don't have to do anything right now. Get to some f2f meetings, and if you have a sponsor, give that person a call (and if you don't have one, maybe consider finding one.)
I know whenever my A said "jump", I was always supposed to say "how high?" But I've learned now that I don't have to take my A's word as gospel. That there are probably 100 other possible solutions out there other than the one he came up with (and when an A comes up with a solution, it's almost always self-serving to the ultimate detriment of others.)
Doncha love it when somehow its now our problem ?? I would simply tell them when he is expected home and hang up -- Often just telling them the truth , your in a rough patch right now creditors will re asses your payment ..( hubbys job .) U dont have to listen to threats from anyone . good luck Louise And please find Al-Anon f2f for yourself your worth the effort .
I have sympathy for you. My AHsober is not happy unless he buys big ticket items. At one time we had two house payments and a rental payment. I was pregnant with our third child. I would say no we cant afford it and he would buy it anyway. I don't think that creditors can harass you. Go to a meeting for yourself.
I read your "bio" and noticed you were planning on attending your first f2f meeting tomorrow. That's the best thing you can do for yourself and where you will find other caring and understanding members who will give you their experience, strength, and hope.
I have had the feeling you are experiencing...being sick and tired...full of stress, resentful, and all the other emotions that come with this disease. The disease always come first and it always wins. I never found a way to beat it and I tried it all. But I did find out how to live a better life. I found it and you can to in the rooms of Al-Anon. You "will" find the help you desperately need.
Keep coming back and posting, tell us about your first f2f meeting, welcome, I'm glad you are here !!!
Hey Carol, if you have not noticed....your not alone anymore....get to that meeting tomorrow....it keeps getting better.
HUGS, RLC
P.S. Just because the phone rings doesn't require you to answer it. Caller IDs are a wonderful blessing. Are you could tell the "Goats' on the other end to hold for a minute and you will get your husband....Lay the phone down and go back to what you were doing with a smile on your face and your serenity in tact. By the way you won't find that suggestion in any Al-Anon material. LOL
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 22nd of June 2010 06:16:44 PM
-- Edited by RLC on Tuesday 22nd of June 2010 06:19:30 PM
Welcome to MIP! There are alot of people who have experience with this tough situation. Talking to creditors in the best of bad times is dificult enough without the added stress of alcoholism being part of it.
My experiences in this area vary. Since I was married to my XAH and in Wisconsin am responsible for his actions most of the time. I chose to deal with creditors for my own sake. With results from very good to not so good. The not so good was a quickie loan on the car that required him to speak to them in order to find out that the couple hundred dollar payments being made monthly were only covering the 100 and some percent interest rate (ridiculous). The very good results came from weekly phone calls to the credit card, mortgage holder, second mortgage holder and hospital for over a year. My credit was a mess but each noted I stayed in contact and did everything possible. I chose to tell them the thruth, my XAH had quit his job to drink 23/7, I had filed for divorce and was not sure how the debts would be handled and my ability to work as I had was impaired by recent vision loss. The great results in all cases were an immediate stop to penalties and lowered interest rates, not to mention the hospital finding a grant to pay my entire bill. My XAH had at some point taken out credit cards and lied on the application about being married, I did not take care of his business as these were not my responsibility and would not effect my credit or well being. Actually I laugh a bit each time the lawn mower comes out now, it was 80.00 but somehow a 5000.00 credit card he lied about was maxed out on the way to get it. I'm really glad I felt no responsibility to talk to that particular one
Now that I have rambled all that I guess what I am trying to say is do the solution that best takes care of YOU in the situation. I sometimes write down different ways of handling something to see which feels right and which serves my best interest and then move acordingly. I hope you are able to get to a meeting and find some literature that helps with ESH and brings you hope, too.
Jen
-- Edited by Jennifer on Tuesday 22nd of June 2010 06:47:49 PM
All you have to do is tell them to quit calling you. period. By law they have to stop. I don't know who you owe, but some will put the account on hold then add the arrears to the balance.
If you need help with utilities contact Salvation Army they can guide you. There are government funds you paid into.
"I am not working, my husband is not reliable and I don't know when or if you will ever get your money. Thank you and have a nice day. (or come and get the truck). "
The truth is what they work off of best and after I got into the program that is what I used including "go get the car". No by law they cannot harass you and they know it and I didn't want to make it any harder on them or myself so another thing I said was "I know what's going on. How can we work this out if it can be?". My alcoholic wife was a collector herself at the time and I learned some good stuff from her though one of the things I learn was how to have them get in touch with her and not me.
Thank you everyone. I am going to my first alanon meeting at noon. I will tell the truth, it has been my experience that gives the best results. Thank you all again. It's amazing how asking for help allows me not to feel sooo alone.
Being a collector myself and also have been in your position of not being able to pay my creditors I can relate to both sides of the situation. Tell your creditors the truth.. you are not working and you are not able to make payments at this time. Don't give them false promises the truth is the best way to go. Also if they are calling constantly ( which some do ) tell them this..... To cease all calls immediately and to contact you by mail. If they tell you they can't so that or they want it in writing etc tell them according to the Federal Consumer Debt Protection Act you can verbally tell them to stop calling and that you have now recorded the date and time ( try to get thier name or collector code) you have requested this and if they call again you will contact a lawyer to press charges ( which is your right ). For me getting the constant calls was a huge stressor for me.... i didnt need the daily reminders that I couldnt pay my bills so just having them stop calling took a huge weight off my shoulders. Also depending on how far you are behind on your bills is another thing to consider. If its over 180 days then technally your debt has been "charged off" and they have sold your debt to a 3rd party creditor. If this is the case that 3rd party creditor has bought your debt for 10 to 20 cents on the dollar so you have huge room for negotiation. If or when you are able to start paying your debts never offer to pay more than 50% of the balance. Your credit has already been shot so you've nothing to lose there. If some of the bills you are behind on are things needed for basic living such as Gas, water, eleltric etc most of cities, counties have special programs for low income you may qualify for so look into that. Sorry to ramble on probably more info than you wanted but this is my area of expertise. As far as your H being unreliable may be time for you to take over the "bill paying" and make sure the bills that are of absolute nessity are paid. If he is spending the money before you can do this.... open up an account in your name only and on his pay days transfer the amount you need to pay bills immediatly. Sorry if i bored you LOL Good luck and God Bless
abbyal wrote: Doncha love it when somehow its now our problem ?? I would simply tell them when he is expected home and hang up -- Often just telling them the truth , your in a rough patch right now creditors will re asses your payment ..( hubbys job .) U dont have to listen to threats from anyone . good luck Louise And please find Al-Anon f2f for yourself your worth the effort .
I agree. Just because he wants you to take on his responsibilities doesn't mean you have to. I"ve learned that the less I take on of others problems, the better off I am. And the big surprise is that my now sober a husband has actually started to grow up and become more financially responsible.
One of Lois's Don'ts is don't do for others what they can do from themselves. I think that most of us are very guilty of this. I know I have to say "Stop that" to myself often.
Get to a meeting and keep going back. It's the best thing I ever did for my emotional health.
I agree with Jerry come and get the truck it is what it is....when my husband died I was so far in debt i couldn't see one inch in front of me.
Three yrs later I am back on track...it didn't happen overnight and it woln't get better tomorrow. However, I promise you with working this program it does get better sooner than later.
